Little Lady
by VeniceGroove
Summary: To attend the prestigious all boys Hogwarts school of magic,Lily Evans disguises herself as a boy.Things get interesting when the Marauders take her under their wing,however Potter realizes there is more to their new friend than meets the eye. LJ no slash
1. Alias

Little Lady

by: thegloryfades

In order to attend a prestigious all-boys school of magic, Lily Evans disguises herself as a boy. Things start to get interesting when the Marauders take her under their wing, however Potter realizes there is more to her then meets the eye.

Disclaimer: Harry Potter was single-handedly created by J.K. Rowling, and not me! Darn!

* * *

Sunday 31 August -

My name is Lily Anna Evans. Before we embark on this magical journey, let's get this straight. I am _not_ a cross-dresser or any other type of perverted ideas you can fathom! I am simply a seventeen year old girl who has found need to further her education at only the best - Hogwarts School of Wizardry.

Get it?

Got it?

Good.

You may presume that I am self-absorbed, ignorant, silly teenage girl who doesn't pay any mind to the world around her. But see, I do! I care a lot. I just don't like what I see. There's this nut job Voldemort rising to power who wants to purge the world of all but purebloods. What a wanker. As far as the muggle world goes, they have this thing called the Cold War, or the my-nuclear-weapons-stock-pile-is-bigger-than-yours war. Basically, the United States of America and the U.S.S.R are having a contest to see who can horde more nuclear weapons. There is actually no fighting in this war, just the everyday panic that a bomb is going to come down on your town and blow it up in all its white picket fence glory.

More wankers.

But this is Britain, and I am Lily.

I am a good girl. I get fantastically excellent grades, always keep myself tidy, never act as anything other than a lady, and I always eat my veggies. If you know anything about anything you will know that the latter of that statement was a phenomenal lie.

_Normally_, I would go to a girls school. I had gone to a girls school for six years now: L'Académie des dames de Magie. No, I'm not French, but the school headmistress was French. The headmistress reminded us on countless occasions that calling the school by any other name was 'seemply unexcepteeble'

Insert French accent.

Stupid old bat. I myself was rather fond of the name nickname we had given it.

Beauxbatons.

Doesn't that sound much nicer? Much more feminine? The public would be thanking us for something that didn't turn their tongues into mushy baby food. Ick! I mean, parents try and shove that stuff into their young, blossoming children's mouths without realizing that the airplane and choo-choo sounds could do serious psychological damage to the tots aside from the taste bud casualties.

All the more reason to change the name.

If I do say so myself, Beauxbatons describes the school population quite well. We're well known for rich girls, snobby attitudes and always being prim. However, I am the wolf in sheep's clothing. Everyone else at school was blessed with grace, height, blonde, brown, or my personal favorite, black hair. Me? Nooooo. No, no, no and nein. I am a fully-fledged klutz. I am at 5'4". (at least I am nicely slender!) I had to have vibrant, slightly-lighter-than-apple red hair. If you don't understand how much I stick out because of that, think a sole red apple in a basket of green ones. Think pink robes among Ireland's Quidditch team.

Get my drift?

The powers that be have at least compromised me and gave me sleek hair. It falls just below my shoulders. I am proud to be frizz free!

Perhaps the only other notable and worthy quality I have are my eyes. I hit the genetic lottery with my eyes. They are this energetic, misty green. I have no idea what I did in a past life to deserve these eyes, but it must have been good.

Tomorrow I leave for Hogwarts School of Wizardry. I can just imagine what a show that would be if I boarded the train looking like I do now:

A girl.

So today it is my task to assume creating a brilliant disguise.

Ooh. I don't want to change my eyes.

I think the Headmaster would be okay with that. What a cool beans guy Professor Dumbledore is. He actually though it was honorable that I wanted to go to Hogwarts even though I lacked the male-ness that is usually associated with males. (I think you all know what I mean) And he was flattered because I believed it was the most prestigious didactic school in all of England and simply found my proficiency deficient at all other institutions.

Take out all those big words and you what I really meant: I think private girls schools are overrated and are simply geared to get even the ditziest of girls shining degrees to present to society with a fake smile so they can get some rich bloke to be their husband and never have to lift a finger to do any work.

Yes! Lily Anna Evans _actually _plans to work for a living!

So, that's how I ended up enrolled at Hogwarts. Dumbledore said that I get my own dorm to avoid…indecent situations.

Uh oh. I hear Tunie coming. And…

I didn't bother to back my Hogwarts things…

Stupid

Stupid

Stupid

You see I haven't actually told anyone about this but myself, the Headmaster and my best friend Alice. Not even my mum! She would blow ten gaskets if she found out. My mum is a 'member of society' and she fully expects me to get a degree, flash a fake smile and marry some rich bloke that will better her on the social ladder.

Yeah right. And Voldemort knits sweaters for all his Death Eaters.

But the point is here, that Tunie will be the perfect squealer to my mum.

Stupid sodding sister.

* * *

Later -

I am a bloody genius!

**1.)** I have successfully deterred my sister's quest to expose me with my immaculate B.S. skills. She is probably explaining to mum and dad right now that I should be landed in the nearest insane asylum, which is better than telling them about Hogwarts. Trust me on this one.

**2.)** I have come up with the perfect disguise. (With a little help from a spell given to me by Dumbledore) I have altered my height to 6'2" (Not so short now, am I?) My hair is now black! Yes! Black! I have managed to make it quite dishy too. I shortened it considerably to reach normal boy length hair and I have achieved this casual elegance as the hair falls slightly into my eyes. I have to say, I would date me if I wasn't…me. That sounds a bit wrong.

**3.)** I didn't alter my eyes one bit.

Erm, the bulky-ness of my new look makes me whoosh a bit. I have just went from about 56 kg to about 90 kg. (A/n: For the American chums reading this that is about 123 lbs changing to 195 lbs) Majority of that weight change is muscle.

I was just admiring my change when the rule of Lily kicks in:

If anything can go wrong it will.

I had consequently backed up into the ceiling fan which thwacked me on the back of the head. (My parents never imagined I would attain this height when they had the bloody thing installed) In all the drama I had staggered back and stepped on my sister's cat Fiona whom promptly howled and latched onto/assaulted my leg with her claws. My other leg had simultaneously become tangled in my bed hangings.

I am now in a sodding heap on the floor tangled pretzel-like in bed hangings.

Fiona escaped without a hitch.

Stupid bloody cat.

I hear Tunie screeching. She must have seen Fiona's flattened tail.

Serves her right.

Insert manic grin.

"LILY!" She screeches.

Sacré Bleu! I hide my head under my bedding when she barges into the room.

"Hmm?" Comes my muffled acknowledgement. Good show! Smooth, cool as a cucumber.

"What did you do to poor Lady Fiona?" She shrieked.

Lady Fiona?

Good Lord.

What a slag!

I cannot help that the cat was in the way of my klutzdom!

"Well what does it look like happened?" I snapped.

"Lord Lily! You are such a klutz!" Petunia bit out grudgingly and left (quite snobbishly) with the bang of a door.

I swear, she looks like she swallowed a lemon. She is vair, vair bony! We really look nothing alike. She was graced with height and black hair while I am a moderately short red head as previously discussed.

I am surprised she didn't notice a change in me. I am very surprised….suspiciously surprised…

Oh. SOD!

My voice didn't change with my look!

SOD! SOD! SOD!

I am off to sodding Hogwarts-a-go-go land in less than twenty four sodding hours and I must sufficiently sound sodding male by then.

SOD!

* * *

Much, Much Later -

I am all snuggled up in my bed as my normal self pondering the complexities of the universe.

Specifically why I have such a distinct voice. Even the acoustics of the Evans' Estate Grand Loo did not help me.

I suppose I will just have to settle for a light tenor voice. That is the lowest I can manage without choking on air.

After years of going to an all-girls school were manners are more important than IQ, I have developed some girly habits. Then there is also the posture problem among other feminine _things_.

Sacré Bleu.

* * *

Sometime in the wee hours of the morning -

Fiona has decided to play cat and mouse with my feet hanging lifelessly off my bed. I just let her.

The loony Evans matriarch is having one of her midnight tea parties with the ladies of society. I had insisted that if I was ever to make the journey to _L'Académie des dames de Magie _in the morning without having any stress or dramatic experiences, that I would need sufficient amount of beauty sleep. I also added it would reduce blemishes.

She bought it hook, line and sinker and I get off of 'society duty' scott free.

The old bat is so shallow. There are worse things that can happen to your face. I should conveniently leave one of my advanced potion books open sometime. Her reaction to the disfiguration potions would be hilarious. Bloody hilarious.

I can hear stuffy laughter from downstairs.

Do not roll eyes.

Do not roll eyes.

Do not roll eyes.

I think I'll get some fresh air.

**

* * *

On the Roof - **

If I'm not queer enough, one thing I am completely inspired by is the moon which just happens to be full tonight. It can change as rapidly as life and it always shines bright even when there are some clouds.

I want to be like the moon.

Poor werewolves must be having a hard time tonight.

Blimey O'Rilley, what if I was a werewolf? I don't think I could live.

Good thing I'm not.

I sprawl back on the roof and take in a big breath of cool night air. I just realized I haven't thought of an alias for Hogwarts and there is no time like now being under the moon to think of one.

Hmm. I want something that will preserve the integrity of my name.

Lily. Lil-lee. Lee! My first name can be Lee!

Now for a last name. Snave. Bloody hell no. My last name backwards won't work. Hmm

Naves.

Saven.

Vanes!

Same letters as Evans. Close enough.

It's official.

I am now Lee Vanes.

* * *

What say you? Good? Bad? 

REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW!


	2. Carrots and Bludgers

Disclaimer: I disclaim, Harry Potter is not mine! (and any other references I may use)

* * *

Monday 1 September -

Holy Shitake Mushrooms.

What was I bloody thinking?

I am the epitome of stupid.

I mean I always knew I pulled some dumb ones but this takes the cake of stupidity.

I am standing on platform 9 and ¾, staring at a very dishy male population bustling about.

What idiot took over my brain and made me think I could do this. I can't do this! Who was I kidding! Myself! That's who! I can't even contact Alice for moral support!

In fifth year, we came up with this wicked ideas to have compact mirrors that utilize Floo Powder so we can speak to each other any time.

However, as my guy self it would be extremely disturbing to be using a compact mirror.

I'm starting to hyperventilate. It's okay Lily. Deep breathing. Stay calm. You can do this.

I was just about to board the scarlet red steam engine when I suddenly found my nose slammed into the pavement.

I will take this moment to say: **OW!**

Why is it whenever it comes to Lily versus the Ground the Ground always wins?

"Sorry about that mate."

The collar of my robes was seized and I was quite forcefully pulled to my feet. I shook my head to clear the pain. I now make an amendment to the rules of life at Hogwarts-a-go-go land.

**Rule 26:** Males are very pushy, violent, competitive and just down right over zealous in their attempts to get through a crowd. Stay out of their way.

"Reckon I wasn't watching where I was going." My assailant said and gave me a firm clap on the shoulder.

I turned to give him a piece of my mind, but that piece crumbled like a cookie.

I had to remind myself to keep my lower jaw firmly connected to my upper one.

His hair was sandy blonde and his eyes crystal blue. He was abso-bloody-lutely dishy.

I am in love.

Too bad I have to pose as a I guy. I'm sure he's not …that way. I wonder what he'd think if he saw me as the real me? "She's pretty" or "She has the most amazing eyes" wouldn't be too much to hope for, would it?

Yeah that's right. He would be absolutely smitten.

Okay, mildly smitten…

Sort of smitten….

Kind of smitten….

….not smitten.

Argh! He would probably bloody associate me with a carrot! Nasty little buggers, carrots are. The giant ones especially. They randomly fall on you. When I was just a tot, my parents took me to the Land of Grease - America. They have this tradition where you can go sit on a giant bunny's lap at the nearest shopping mall and get your picture taken for Easter. I was waiting patiently for Petunia to finish having her picture when I accidentally knocked over some pretty colored giant eggs, which knocked over the photographer, who ran forward and knocked the giant bunny and Petunia over, who knocked over a giant paper maché carrot which then toppled over within a hair of my head.

We were thrown out of the mall.

And I have deduced carrots are out to get me.

But that's beside the point.

"You okay? You look a bit dazed?" Blue eyes was looking at me intently now. "You 'aven't got a concussion now have you?" He asked with genuine concern.

Actually I was simply pondering the impending threat of the supreme public menace: carrots.

But thank you for your concern.

"Erlack." I said and rubbed my hurting nose.

Excellent. Just bloody excellent.

Okay Earth, you can open up and swallow me whole now.

"Er. Right then." He was staring at me like I had grown an extra three purple heads.

I laughed nervously and made sure my voice was low and unsuspicious. "Sorry. I'm new. Lil-" Oops. "Lee Vanes." I held out my hand which he shook.

"Remus Lupin." He said. "I'll see you around." Then with a nod, he was off.

He's probably off to tell all his handsome friends about the complete tosser he just bowled over like a sodding bludger.

Remus the Bludger.

* * *

Hogwarts Train in a compartment all by my lonesome -

I have made a sort of splint for my nose out of toothpicks which I negotiated from the snack trolley lady.

Why do I not just heal it with my wand? Elementary, my dear Watsons.

I do not know any healing spells. We only start healing charms this year.

It would be vair vair ow bugger and ow ow bugger-er to get a healing spell wrong.

I hope Remus the Bludger is bubbling over with guilt that he ran into me. Sacré Bleu. Although unless my brain falls out onto the floor I will not be telling him that I made a nose splint.

Never!

* * *

In my dorm -

Ah, back to being my normal girly self, comfy in my dorm, after an adventurous day full of klutzdom.

Sigh.

Ooh.

Guess what!

I am a proud Gryffindor.

Here at Hogwarts, they have four houses: Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and Slytherin. . They're sort of like team families based on your personality/qualities/talents/potential. They all work together to earn points with triumphs and failures. It works brilliantly with guys.

I laugh. Imagine Beauxbatons' crème de la crème working together. Bloody cat fight that would be.

Meow.

I'd have better luck with _Lady _Fiona.

It's wicked how they decide on your House. You're forced to sit in front of the entire school population and the teachers at the opening feast while an old, pointy, ruddy hat spouts rhetoric at the hall and then declares your house. YES! It speaks English! Sod English, it's practically alive.

Can a hat be alive?

I managed to get through my sorting with minimal embarrassment. I was a large seventh year standing among a gaggle of little eleven year olds in first year. Bet that looked queer. The 'Sorting Hat', they call it, can see everything inside your head, even the things you don't know. Bonkers it is. It was kind enough not to announce my secret directly to the hall. It was being subtle. It gasped and said:

"Well I've never seen **THIS** before." As soon it was placed on my head.

Subtly my foot. Secrets around here are locked up tighter then Gringotts. So naturally the whole school is suspicious.

Of course, then it announced my immaculate, endearing qualities (insert snort) to the hall and then cried

"GRYFFINDOR"

If I do say so myself, I got quite the applause. I took my seat among the other seventh years.

I think I scored a spot of the best team. Remus the Bludger is a Gryffindor. He's a pretty okay bloke when he's not bowling people over with his bludgery self. (Mind you, he's not even a fraction of fat) He congratulated me right away.

"Brilliant Lee! You're in Gryffindor! Best house there is!" He yelled over the chatter of the hall.

I saw some nearby Ravenclaws glare at him from their nearby table. Little berks. They're so jealous.

"Oh you haven't met the rest of us. On my right is Sirius Black inhaling food in ways you thought was never possible. Across from Sirius is Peter Pettigrew doing the same and between you and he is James Potter. Across from you is Frank Longbottom. Everyone, this is Lee Vanes. He's new."

"Hey." I said. Oh I am good. One cool cat.

There was a chorus of hellos.

"We're famous." Sirius said after taking a big swallow. The rest of them rolled their eyes.

"You are?" I said dumbly. Their eyebrows all raised.

"Yeah. They're the Marauders - Remus, James, Sirius and Peter. They throw prank fests on the school, 'specially Slytherin. I'm not really into it but I've had my hand in a few." Frank said.

"You've _really _never heard of us?" Potter asked incredulously with a suspicious look.

I shook my head.

The Marauders?

Sounds like a stupid cleaning product.

But I'm over it.

They were all bloody gorgeous. I can't help but think I've seen Potter somewhere before. Hmmm. Blank, blank, blank and nothing.

Bugger.

I will research him and his dashing good looks later.

There was a loud sniggering from behind Frank, Remus and Peter. The table to our flank was sniggering at us.

Shut up sniggering, you sniggering prats.

"I almost forgot." Remus said coldly. "Stay away from Slytherin. They're bad news." He stared pointedly at them.

One of the Slytherins splated a doughy biscuit at Sirius's head.

Sirius (without missing a bite) shot them a rude gesture with his hand. That shut them up.

I love Sirius.

"Oi Black? How _EVER _did you get all that eye-shadow off this summer?" Potter was grinning like the cat that ate the canary.

Alas, I now create **Rule 27: **Boys thrive on alpha male rituals and you are simultaneously caught up in them even if you are not a boy.

Remus and Sirius snorted into their plates while Dough Boy choked on his pea soup. The entire hall was watching now, very interested.

"I heard the big bad wolf was after you. Should we call you Reggie-Locks from now on, huh Regulus?" Potter pressed. He was looking around the hall, gloating and pleased with the humiliating response.

I don't think there is any helium in the room but his head is certainly inflating.

Jerk-face.

But a sexy one.

"Silence, mudblood lover." Dough Boy hissed.

"Shut up, Black, before I hex you into next week!" Potter snarled with new found rage. The smirk was completely erased from his face. His wand was now out. And they say _girls_ have mood swings.

Wait, Sirius…Black. Dough Boy Black…..

Blimey O' Reilly! Two Blacks! This is vair, vair strange….

I am missing something here: a valuable piece of the puzzle.

Actually I think I am missing the whole puzzle.

I don't think I have even opened the puzzle box.

Sirius is related to the Slytherin Black but is in Gryffindor and Slytherin is bad so that must mean that Sirius comes from a bad family but Sirius isn't bad himself so that must mean Sirius isn't Slytherin because he isn't bad? Or maybe Sirius is from the same family as the Slytherins but Sirius is in Gryffindor because he is not a Slytherin.

Sacré Bleu! I am cornfused. I just confused Confucius!

What in the name of arse…….?

Prats! Those Slytherin arse wipes were talking about me while I was dazed with Confucius-ness.

GASP!

I am not a 'Mummy's Boy!' I am not even a boy!

Wankers.

I glared at them, leapt to my feet, and flourished my wand.

"Mummy's boy this!" I roared and shot a spell at them.

The Slytherins' robes changed to baby diapers.

I was amazed.

We were amazed.

It was amazing, that's why.

The whole hall laughed themselves blue. I smirked a million dollar smile, shined my new Gryffindor badge and made to gracefully exit the hall while I still had the last say. I even remembered not to walk like a girl!

I made it out of the Hall without a hitch. As I rounded a corner out of sight, I did my victory dance…..

….the klutz factor kicked in….

and danced right into a suit of armor which came crashing down on me.

Crickets.

I spent the rest of the feast in the hospital wing.

Just Eggscellent.

At least I don't have to wear a nose splint.

-

Tuesday 2 September -

Yawn. Stretch. Stretch. Stretch. Yawn. Yawn. Stretch.

The sun is shining like warm shining…planet on fire.

Good sun.

Ooh. I should floo Alice. I snatched my compact from my nightstand and popped it open. Alice's face…ermmm, what I thought was Alice's face appeared in the mirror. The mornings are not kind..

"Top of the morning to yer." I teased.

"Floo me when it is actually morning you prick." Alice spat and hung up.

She really isn't a morning person. About this time, I would be running for a bomb shelter. But I am hundreds of miles away and talking to her through a compact mirror. I am going to have some fun.

Floo-ed again.

I heard some incoherent mumbling before Alice's face reappeared in the mirror.

"Alice, it is your best pal Lily. I am calling you with wonderful news." I stated my case.

I can see her rolling her eyes.

"This had better be good. Even Dim Charlotte hasn't even awoken to begin her morning spa treatments."

"I'm terribly sorry that you happen to be in a different time zone than I but -"

"We're not in different time zones."

"I know."

"Then why did you say that?"

"Because now you are awake and talking to me." I resisted temptation to roll me eyes as her face was positively gob smacked.

"Bugger." She growled.

"But you love me."

She refused to answer that….

"Start talking. What's it like?"

So I told her all about the fabulous male population, the stupid Slytherin arses and the duel in the hall last night. I conveniently left out the part about my nose splint, the suit of armor and the hospital wing.

"Wicked. But I can't believed you pulled that off without breaking your neck. Who are you and what have you done with Lily?"

Honestly, I call her my best friend. Where is the loving support?

"Okay okay, there were a few hitches but I still pulled it off."

"A hitch as in a trip to the hospital wing."

I laughed. "Alice you are so funny."

"I wasn't being funny."

My laughter died like a broken record player.

"Maybe I knocked over a suit of armor."

"And?"

"I might have tripped."

"And?"

"Made a nose splint."

"See, doesn't the truth feel better?"

Stupid sodding therapist she is turning out to be.

"No."

"You embarrassed yourself in front of the entire school too."

I have to figure out how she is bloody spying on me. Maybe she installed a surveillance system in my shoe so they can report to her exactly when I fall over and how many people I make casualties.

"Possibly."

She started laughing. I mean not just your little giggle this was laughing until your stomach falls out.

Eww.

That's right up there with nose picking.

Shut up brain.

"Alice, you haven't got the sparkle of charm."

She didn't hear me. Have it your way Miss Funny Knickers but don't ever go near a circus. They might mistake you for a hyena.

I had a flash of inspiration and memory as I was waiting for her laughing fit to stop.

"Oi, Alice! I have just remembered why I have floo-ed." (I may have to reward myself for that later) "Do you know who James Potter is?"

"No. But he is familiar." Alice said between laughs.

Finally, I discover Alice can actually be useful.

"Ask at Beauxbatons. These blokes here are quite popular and _rich_."

"Point taken. Someone here must know him then."

It is revolting, but true. See what I had to live with for six years? Am I not so crazy now for bewitching myself to be a guy and running off to the other side of England while only two people in the world know who I actually am and where I am?

"Alright Sherlock, get to work!" I ordered.

"But I'm not called Sherlock."

"Yes, but you are going to be _like_ Sherlock while you solve this mystery for me."

"But I don't smoke."

"Yes, I know but-"

"and I don't have a sidekick named Watson."

"Obviously and-

"or one of those hats."

Good Lord.

"Alice, the little aliens are paging you. They want you to return home."

* * *

Thank you reviewers who have taken the time to read the ramblings of my prattish mind. You lot are vair vair fabulous! I have nearly keeled over in shock from your support of this story. I appreciate your feedback very much! I love to know when people are enjoying what I write or even when they don't so I can make it better. Merci! 

I realize that there seems to be a bit of discomfort in one or two reviews' comments about Lily being a boy and the eventual pairing with James. I assure you, James is not gay and neither are the other boys. When James and Lily finally get together, Lily will be 101 percenta girl. If you have any doubts, simply note the rating that is applied to this story. That's all I will reveal for now.

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	3. Blue Fingers

Disclaimer: You know the drill. I don't own Harry Potter but if someone is willing to buy it for my birthday I will be happy to accept.

* * *

Tuesday 2 September (continued)

Our revered and disturbingly unorthodox Headmaster Dumbledore gave another speech this morning at break-my-fast. Something about another 'interesting' year full of surprises and twists. He cleverly said "What you see is only skin deep. You'll find a person's true identity on the insides."

Is everyone trying to sodding expose me?

Pfft. Who'd want to view some bloke's guts anyways? I always found the intestines rather disturbing.

Can't potty without them though.

Shut up brain.

Schedules were handed out this morning. First thing is history of magic. Frank was kind enough to explain that the teacher, Professor Binns, was a ghost so I wouldn't get the willies or anything.

History of magic.

Bollocks!

It's about as useful as a wart.

After breakfast, we minced off to the Class of Uselessness in the polar block.

I said to Sirius as we walked, "If Binns is feeling exceedingly depressed, do you think I could say 'Ma'am, while you have suffered endlessly teaching History of Magic to delinquent boy youth, you are not obligated to inflict the dissasteriffic effects of ghost-dom on the population with living potential. Salazar Slytherin can go shove his pointed pureblood hat up the nearest arse for all I care."

Sirius laughed. "Binns used to be male. That's at least a week of detentions for the ma'am part. Then I'd have someone to stuff around with when I go." He snorted with laughter.

"You have a week of detention already?" I asked. Crikey!

"Of course. That's what Marauders do."

"Make a world record of detentions for the first week of school?"

"HEY GOOD IDEA!" Sirius yelled and clapped me on the back.

I love the immature prattish-ness of this school.

"What did you do?"

"To get me detention? Prongs and I found wanker Snivellus Snape poking around last night, so we wedgied him by his slimy, gray knickers from Polkler the Great's sword above the astronomy tower. Then we blew up the loo."

Now it was my turn to snort like a fool.

How attractive.

Hopefully I don't have any bogies dangling from my nose.

"Prongs?"

"That's James."

"Er, okay. Then who are you?"

"Sirius." He grinned.

"No, I'm serious, what is your code name?"

"Padfoot."

Bugger. I want a savvy nickname. I could be ….er….she-man? No! Bad mental image. I'll have to put that on to the To-do list.

"Don't worry, you can come along on our next public service outing."

Bloody hell, is he reading my mind? Absolutely disturbing.

"Blowing up a loo isn't a very good public service." My girly side must release some estrogen sense into this boy. "Isn't that a bit of a biohazard?"

"Only if you roll in it." He said with a laugh. He is so ludicrously pleased with himself. I crinkled my nose is disgust. Boys are weird.

"Sirius, I have always believed you were incurably crackers and criminally insane. This just proves it." I said as we entered Binns's classroom.

Brrrrrrrrrrito!

It's bloody Antarctica. Even the penguins went north.

Sirius headed off towards already seated James. I decided the knicker toaster (radiator) would be more beneficial to hold a conversation with.

* * *

Knicker Toaster -

Potter is staring at me strangely. Has he never seen someone cold before? The radiator puts out very little heat but you can't have everything.

What is it with boys?

If I was able to show my girl self, I probably would have had flobble-wobble knees and desperately needed a trip to the loo at the sight of Potter. But he is the original Ass of Jacks. I wouldn't mind supervising him taking a leap of faith.

Potter leaned back on his chair and balanced on one leg. The chair leg that is, not his leg!

I believe I have found the missing link between humans and flamingos.

* * *

Afternoon Break

Why can I not have a servant who will carry around my books for me and do everything I ask? Because I have the perfect candidate.

Lucius sodding Malfoy.

I was halfway to dreamland on the sleep express with my freshly warmed bum when the door banged open and the most gittish git strode in with a poor house elf scurrying behind him, carrying his books.

Oh rave on. I was sleeping jerk-face.

Binns gave him the evil…see-through… eye. "You're late."

Malfoy looked at him like he had curled his nose hairs.

I wonder if there is a hex for that?

"Excuse me, sir, but do you know who I _am?_ I am a Malfoy and seeing as my father is a major patron of this school I should be _allowed _to break the rules at least once in a while." His tone arched arrogantly. His ego is reminiscent of that giant lurking pimple on his chin.

Bloody

Sodding

Tosser

Testosterone Beauxbaton in motion. I resisted the temptation to gag on his patent leather shoes.

What a brilliant idea.

"Lucius Malfoy. Slytherin. Death Eater." Peter leaned over and whispered to me. The poor bloke was illiterate from sleep deprivation and nap disturbance. His head thunked back onto his desk.

Poor boy.

I looked hopefully at Professor Binns. Why is he stuttering? He's a stupid ghost. He has nothing to fear because he can't die…again!

The dwindling sanity in this school is maddening.

Malfoy took a seat with his Slytherin cronies, among them was Dough Boy, whom I finally noticed sitting a few seats behind me. He looked a bit peaky.

The carrots in the baby food must have not set with him.

* * *

Thursday 4 September - School Grounds

Heading out to Care of Magical Creatures on the edge of the Forest of Superstitious Fools. Hopefully I will able to read this later. I haven't got the coordination for legibility and walking in a straight line at the same time. I'd end up somewhere completely off course, like Brazil.

The Marauders and I have planned a fabulous prank for the Slytherins tonight. Let's just say it involves -

* * *

Forest of Superstitious Fools -

Bloody niffler holes! I had fallen into one up to my armpits!

That's a huge niffler!

Remus the Bludger and Frank, with restrained laughter and delight, had to pull me out.

I could feel the redness in my face. They insisted I got the sulks like unfortunate hole-dwelling youth get.

Arses. I stated my case.

"I think Professor….?"

"Cherenkov." Remus the Bludger supplied.

"…should restrain his nifflers from running free on Hogwarts grounds. They're a hazard. While he's at it, ban pygmy puffs because they were most certainly in cahoots with the nifflers."

I hate pygmies. Absolutely loathe them. They're too…pygmy!

Remus the Bludger rolled his eyes and laughed. A quick duffing up showed him the error of his ways.

We had Care of Magical Creatures with Hufflepuff. Professor Cherenkov had a teacher-in-training. He was a rather furry lad; his face was nearly hidden behind a burly black beard. Hagrid's his name; he's a half giant. He wasn't half bad while we're talking about halves. Certainly knew his stuff. But rich, snobby boys just can't let a good thing be.

"Where abouts be you from?" A daring Hufflepuff asked.

"Me dad wus' from Ireland. Me mum wus' Scottish." He said proudly.

"Your mum must have been big." I could see the lot winking at each other.

Shut up winking.

And what is it with all the mum insults?

Your mummies must have not taught you anything about the art of insults.

Oi, just reread that. I am becoming just like them! I just made a cheeky mum insult!

I hope lightning hits me and I die. Unfortunately there is not a storm cloud in sight. Darn.

"Ay. She wus' a giantess." Hagrid added. They looked gob smacked.

That shut them up. Thank you Hagrid, but not so smart on your part. Giants aren't liked. Although don't worry pal, the chances of them duffing you up are frankly like a whale challenging squid to an eating contest.

Unless it's the giant squid.

"You're illegal then?" They were all suspicious now.

"Nah. I passed citizenship tests and other ministry tests. I am perfectly allowed ter be in public." Hagrid lifted an enormous crate with ease and set it down amongst a slew of others. "But enough about me, it's time to learn about these." He pointed to…air.

"Are they illegal?"

"Shut up Diggory." Frank hissed and Diggory glared back.

I must agree with daft Diggory. Most invisible things are illegal. I have left the valley of the nutters and entered the realm of the terminal idiots. And I have agreed with them. However, there was nothing invisible about them to me.

They were Thestrals.

I had a feeling Hagrid would ask who could see them.

"Who can see them?" Hagrid asked.

I raised my hand. And I was as lonely as the Eiffel tower among ants. Remus the Bludger and Frank seemed a bit surprised.

I shrugged. I don't want to remember who I watched die anyway. Life is supposed to be happy and cheerful not mournful. That's how my cookie crumbles.

The lesson drawled on. Frank was humming Elvis Presley and Remus the Bludger was virtually burning a hole in the Thestral with his gorgeous eyes while he was magically trying to see them. If his eyes fall out I am not picking them up.

P.U.Y.O.E. Pick Up Your Own Eyeballs.

As I let my guard down, I could nearly feel some of my girly impulses emerging. I examined my nails casually. I did the once over, but a speck of blue caught my eyes and I doubled back.

My nails were not blue this morning when I cast the spell.

But they were blue when I was Lily Evans.

SACRÉ BLEU!

I reached for my head and ripped a spot of hair out. It was black with reddening roots. Then I looked at my watch. Twelve hours ago I had cast the spell! Dumbledore didn't mention the spell had limits! SOD!

I put a sickly look on my face that I usually use on Dim Charlotte and her Wet mates at Beauxbatons whenever they speak. I always have given them full marks on the Wet Tart Scale.

I tapped Frank's shoulder because Remus the Bludger was having a hard enough time holding onto his eyes.

"I'm going to be sick. I'm heading back up to the castle." I blurted softly to him.

Then I ran for my life because it would be my life if they found I was a girl.

I heard Frank shouting I had to rush off to the hospital wing because I thought I was going to blow chunks. Thank you Radio Frank.

I covered my hair with my arms as I fled back to my special dorm in Gryffindor Tower. I only tripped once but that was because I was trying to miss a trick step. The solitary lads I passed were some sixth years singing a crude song. No biggie at all.

By the time I made it to my mirror, Lily Evans was staring back at me. Phew. That was close.

Pant Pant.

Can heads explode? Because I think mine is going to do just that. My brain was so starved for oxygen. Stupid brain.

I might have to take up Quidditch. I never saw how blokes got so fit from it. You sit around on broomsticks and throw balls. But damn, it works! I have the personal experience viewing the faby-fab-fabulous results!

Pant Pant.

I fixed my appearance and decided to head down to the Great Hall. The rest of the lads would be heading for supper any minute. Then, afterwards the fun begins.

* * *

Incognito - Slytherin Dorm

Frolicking with the Marauders on their latest prank on Slytherin, as mentioned.

Record player assembled. Part one of plan complete.

Resisting temptation to step on Malfoy's face.

Dough Boy's bed is on the end. Cannot resist using gorilla glue and feathers. (evil grin)

Portly Peter Wormtail Pettigrew is now finishing up with the perfume and women's products. (Eww not _that_ product you sillies!)

We were just about to leave when dippy Wormtail tripped over a chamber pot.

Oh, Dear God!

Was he always an arse and a prat or was he once just a prat?

Potter, Sirius, Remus the Bludger, Radio Frank, Peter and I all froze. Peter whimpered when some bloke Nott (I read it on his trunk) stirred. Potter's invisibility cloak was lying on the floor. I followed Potter's eyes to it. He caught my eye, and I nodded. We all froze thinking he hadn't seen us yet.

"Who's there?" He muttered sleepily and clumsily pulled out his wand.

Argh. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em! I flourished my wand.

"Stupefy!" I yelled. The sparkling red spell hit him square in his hairy (EWWWWW!) chest. Nott was out like light with a blown fuse.

I gloated, then ungloated. I had aroused the remainder of them when I yelled the hex. Bum bum oi oi arse arse bugger bugger!

Potter dove for his invisibility cloak while Peter leapt to his feet.

And then we ran, laughing like the loony twits we were.

* * *

Another chapter finished in time by yours truly, twit extraordinaire, moi. I just want to take this space to thank you for all your reviews. They really keep me going especially when I run low on cynical, two-cent comments that are the mind of Lily. I'm glad you have enjoyed the story thus far. I've got loads of surprises in store! Keep reading and reviewing! 

For all my readers that tend to hide, (sometimes I have nothing to say too) I hope you are enjoying it.

**Arianna Leciav:** Thank you for informing me of the word 'queer'. I am not aware of how that word was used in England in the 1970's. However in the Webster's English dictionary, 'queer' has about a dozen meanings; the first on the list says 'against the ordinary', which was the definition I was aiming for when I wrote the chapter.

**J.E.A.R.K. Potter-** Hahaha, I don't know how you can be 101 percent anything either. It was merely an exaggeration to prove my point. As for your question about 'very': I used 'vair' in an attempt to bring out Lily's tortured vocabulary as a result of a French Headmistress at Beauxbatons. I was only aiming for a simple mockery of the correct English word.

R.E.V.I.E.W!


	4. Strawberry Flavoured Vigilante

Disclaimer: Not mine!

* * *

Friday 5 September -

Ah mornings are so much sweeter after a night of pranking Slytherin. And I've only been here five days! Just think of the possibilities for this year!

Dreamy stare.

I'm so happy, I could Floo Alice! But I'm not suicidal so I won't.

Some force of the universe must be on my side!

I quickly transformed, dressed and skipped down to the Great Hall extra early to ravish the fruits of our labor.

* * *

Corridor

Stupid knight and his sodding fat pony. He called himself Sir Cadogan. The little berk thought it suspicious for a teenage 'boy' to be up at crack of dawn.

Too bad I'm not a boy! HAH!

But he doesn't know that.

I was subjected to a round of thorough questioning before I could continue on my merry warpath peacefully.

"Who are you scallywag?" The picture demanded.

"Archibald." I lied.

Hey, the nutter knight was probably going to squeal anyways.

Except I wasn't doing anything wrong.

Can you get expelled for perjury?

Erm…am I under oath? I can't remember.

"Who do you work for!" Sir Cadogan asked as we rounded a corner, keeping up his spirited trot through the disturbed portraits by his prattling. Some of the grumpier portraits were belting profanities, but he didn't seem to notice.

"The French Underground Bison Society." I flashed my pearly whites.

The little knight looks as if he has just discovered a conspiracy.

Have you ever seen a Bison? Really hairy things, they are. You can't even tell what is hair and what isn't! They weigh 454 - 907 kg. (1000 - 2000 lbs) What if one sits on you? Would you become a pancake while they pour syrup on you for breakfast?

If you were sat upon by a bison, I would really hate to be you.

"Until I have proof that you're really a spy, I'll let you slide. But beware, I'm watching you!" He pointed to his widened eyes for emphasis. He ended up poking one instead. He galloped off…er…rather his pony did.

I girlishly skipped the rest of the way to the grand hall. Mind you, for the record, I never did this.

The Great Hall was not alone or on its own. Potter and Sirius were already seated at Gryffindor table as students were just starting to trickle in.

"S' new?" I asked as I sat down.

"Sirius is trying to get milk to come out of his nose." Potter explained.

They both acted like it was completely normal. Besides, everyone knows squirting milk from your nostrils really builds character.

"Why are you both up?" I tried.

"Sirius had a bad dream about chewing gum. I got dragged into this when he started assaulting me with his pillow mumbling something about strawberry flavored." Potter explained

I tried really hard not to laugh. Really I did! But there are many lost causes in the world, and this was one of them.

Sirius snorted incoherently.

"You never know what is in the artificial flavoring." Sirius said then started spouting organic righteousness rhetoric that was actually quite insightful for a Black.

But I wasn't listening to possibly the most memorable moment in history.

Instead, I was thinking about strawberries. Did Potter taste like them?

* * *

Breakfast

Cue Slytherin screams and curses all the way to the Great Hall. Yesssssssssssssssssssssss!

* * *

**After Breakfast sometime -**

I will get my revenge on Sirius Black if it is the last thing I do!

I will toss that tosser like a tosser tossing a tosser at a tossing contest!

The Slytherins had all came down for breakfast in their ballet costumes and stage make-up and the music of Swan Lake following them. Everyone was laughing. The tights I could have done without but that's only my sane opinion. Though hairy legs would have been just as bad. I suppose you can't have everything.

I was pleased to see Dough Boy was a ballet chicken. Gorilla glue is a fabulous invention. Best part is, you can only remove it with lots of alcohol, or a chisel.

Cue manic grin.

Dough Boy won't be procuring any alcohol in school.

Ah the glory!

But then….

How quickly glory fades, for Sirius had decided to laugh while drinking milk.

End result: he fulfilled his desire when it gushed out of his nose and across the table onto me.

Erlack.

* * *

Sunday 7 September

Well bollocks!

The lot of the Marauders plus myself spent Saturday all day in detention with caretaker Filch for our prank.

It was a good one though.

Never mind that. We were stuck cleaning it up…without magic! Stupid squib $#&$#$&$!

Ah, now I feel cleansed.

I did happen to find my new friend lurking during detention. He's a little tabby hamster whom I call Hammie. My transfiguration skills are immeasurably horrible so I cheated a bit when I asked Remus the Bludger to transfigure a cage for me.

He's such a nice bloke.

Hammie is inspecting his new home. He looks quite pleased.

* * *

Common room -

Worst day of the week, Sunday is.

Know why?

Because it is before Monday and Monday starts off the school and working week. And that is precisely why I am pouring over my three foot essay for Advanced Potions at ten o'clock on a Sunday night.

Oh look, here comes Potter to join me.

He nodded in greeting and took out his own parchments from muggle studies. He's a pureblood, Lord knows why he takes muggle studies. I suppose I shall ask him someday.

"Why do you take muggle studies? You're pureblood. I thought your lot hated muggles." I asked.

"I find muggle contraptions interesting. I really don't care about images and stereotypes either. I do what I please." He said quietly.

_I __don't care about images._ Hypocrite! I suppose that's why he's always has to ruffle his hair like he just got off a broomstick. See! There, he just did it!

The rest was very touching.

I peeked at his paper. "How electricity works." I read.

He nodded. "It's a bit complicated."

Au contraire. "It's simple. All around us are little atoms that make up everything that is matter. These atoms have electrons orbiting them; some are tightly bound to their atoms and cannot be altered easily while others move around easily and or freely. The way muggles utilize these atoms for electricity is through a conductor. To do this, they have wires that naturally have many of these little atoms inside. Using the magnet or the right chemicals, the atoms start to move in a uniform motion and generate an electric current. They also generate energy. However, to keep the flow going, muggles use something batteries. These batteries have a chemical paste, a carbon rod and a zinc exterior. Two wires are hooked to each end of the battery, the positive and negative. The carbon rod is positively charged and draws electrons to the battery. However at the other end, the chemical paste repels the electrons back into the wire and the cycle continues. This is virtual limitless power."

"Hold up!" James cried as he quickly scribbled onto his parchment. He finished minutes later and put his quill down. "That ought to do it." He shook his cramped hand.

"That wasn't so bad, was it?" I said in a sickly sweet voice. The complexities of the muggle mind would make a normal wizard illiterate. But we all know Potter isn't normal.

"How do you know all that?" He asked.

I'm flattered.

"My family is muggle." I said simply.

He was looking at me in a looking-at-me way. Do I have something on my face? A dangling bogey? A giant pimple? Oh please Merlin _not_ the pimple.

"This is a pureblood school. How'd you manage to get in?"

His question seemed so innocent. That kind of curiosity is always the first to kill the cat.

"I applied."

Duh.

Wait a second. "If this school is pureblood, who even bothers to teach Muggle Studies?"

"N.E.W.T.S require it. Other school aren't nearly so prejudiced as ours. They make it standard." Potter explained quickly.

Purebloods are really bonkers.

"About your lineage, it's okay if the Marauders know, but don't tell anyone else you're a muggle-born. It might be the last thing you do." He said.

That scared me.

Stupid muggle-hating Death Eaters.

I wish I had a mocking comment to insert here, but I don't. Perhaps it was because he said it so sincerely that I have to keep a level head for the moment.

Moment's over.

Moving on.

"Hang on. Dough Boy called you a mudblood lover on the first night. Why?"

"Dough Boy?" Potter chuckled.

"Erm...Black. Slytherin Black." I explained.

"Oh, Regulus. Regulus has been called a lot of things already, but not Dough Boy." He paused to laugh again, the laugher. "He's a year younger than Sirius and a lot dafter if that's possible. His mum buys his class rank though. She put so much money into the school that they had to promote him to the next grade before he's even of age."

"Dumbledore would do _that?_" I asked. Please say it wasn't so.

He shrugged. "Most of the Slytherin lot are Death Eaters anyway. I guess Dumbledore figures that if they don't know anything, they can't really be a threat. Dumbledore, he pretends to turn a blind eye but the bloke knows more than anyone." Potter explained

"Does that mean Sirius' way was bought for him, 'cause I swear he has the mentality of a first former."

"Nope, Sirius was disowned by his family. He lives with me."

Dear Lord. So that's why the clinically insane duo are best friends.

James laughed his infectious laugh.

Cue weak knees.

Was my face showing my incredulity?

Was I wearing clothes?

"But you wanted to know why I am a muggle lover? My family hates the idea of a divided wizard race based on blood. My father, an auror, prefers to deal with muggle cases. He does plenty of wizard work, but many of the Ministry members won't go near muggles for fear Voldemort will target them specifically."

"And you're not afraid?"

"Hell no. I don't care what other people say, but Voldemort is only human. The more we put him on a pedestal of immortality, the more immortal he will become. Not in the sense of flesh but in the sense of legend." Potter finished grimly.

Boy, he must think a lot.

I may have to cancel his subscription to the Big Twit Association. He has impressed me and actually said something right!

Then I had an idea. I must reward myself lavishly for this later.

"Would you like to see electricity at work?"

Potter watched me with keen interest.

* * *

Later -

Bouncing happy bouncing happy happy!

Potter and I are having a bouncing convention on my bed while air guitar jamming to The Beatles and The Bee Gees.

"So this is electricity!" Potter yelled over the music.

"Yep! How do you like them muggles now?" I yelled back.

"Brilliant. Bloody Brilliant." He said.

Bounce. Bounce.

I noticed him examining my room. "Ireland, eh?" He quirked an eyebrow.

Of course, he was referring to my massive collection of Ireland National Quidditch Team posters and merchandise.

I nodded. As it turns out, Ireland was one of his favorites too.

Potter has justgained a few brownie points in my eyes. Heis now only a fourteen out of ten on the Tosser Scale.

Bounce. Bounce.

I believe my brain must have dropped out because it has not mis-coordinated my limbs yet.

Something is vair vair wrong.

One thought of happy grace from me and everything goes to pot. It was at this very time that I lost footing on the silk sheets and shot right off the bed.

Blimey O' Reilly.

I need to get a new brain.

* * *

Groovy, it's chapter 4! I hope you all enjoyed it, I wrote it-disliked it-reread it- then decided it would have to do because once I write something it is very hard for me not to go public ASAP. I hope all my non-reviewing readers are enjoying it as well. I am trying to keep the attempted humor amusing. Keep reviewing and I will keep entertaining! 

P.S. - The Bison and Gorilla Glue scenes are dedicated to my pally wally 'A'. Good times.

P.P.S. - Fixed some goofs blundered by the uploading server in previous chapters.

**Weird Not Boring:** I will not reveal any specifics, but I will disclose that Lily will not be found out for quite a few chapters. This story will probably be an epic length. I have too many subplots and events that need to be worked in first.

**Cylobaby:** Who Lily saw die is VAIR VAIR important to her personality and is classified expository information. So naturally I can't tell you…yet.

**Arianna Leciav: **I was not aware any dates were provided for Lucius Malfoy's schooling. I haven't picked up the books in a few months, but I do remember something about him being older. My bad.

REVIEW, PER FAVORE!


	5. Fool For The Chaser

Disclaimer: I own not one measly scrap of Harry Potter, only a modest drive to write and a lot of prattling romantic dreams and klutzdom that is Lily Potter. Kindly do not sue.

* * *

Wednesday 10 September

I have deduced:

I have issues.

And not just the standard subscription to Witch Weekly, Wizard's World and the dry Daily Prophet type issue.

I go for the full monty.

I am a paid-up member of the loony bin and the world-renowned twit.

I live in the valley of crap, in crapland, crap kingdom on planet crap in the Universe of the Totally Hopeless.

Potter, Radio Frank and I were in Advanced Potions, brewing the astonishingly useless Freckle Potion. You know how much I needed freckles on a scale of one to ten? Minus fourteen. Potter and Remus the Bludger were paired together, while I was stuck with the more-useless-than-freckles Dough Boy.

Sacré Bleu.

Dough Boy was rambling for England about the injustices of being paired with the likes of me. "Professor Slughorn, I would like to protest being paired with the rookie………. I mean, ……..he only just transferred to this school. ………His level might be below the level of this school ……….because he only just transferred here. You know, maybe I should be with someone with a higher level……."

He's _such_ a pal. He said to me in his mind, "Take that you filth." So I said telepathically back to him, "Shut up Mr. Pillsbury."

Professor Slughorn seemed not to notice. Dough Boy was delivering him glares that might send the ol' Prof. Sluggie to bake in the great oven in the ground.

I'm talking about the nearest volcano, if you get my drift.

Grumbling like a mad hippo, Dough Boy and I started our potion, rather I did. I left him to his own tinkering in his ickle chemistry set.

About half-way through class, I had completed my potion, and sat back to bask in its hopeless glory. D.B. then had an uncontrollable sneezing attack and sprayed myself, Allister Kovinsky and Charlie Nott with nose debris.

I wish he had more snot control. I toweled myself down with my robe when I noticed a white blotch on my shoe.

Dear God!

MERLIN!

EWWW!

"Black! You sneezed a whelk on my shoe!"

He is indescribably thick. He didn't even hear me, and kept right on sneezing.

The _nerve._

"Prof sneeze Slug sneeze I think I'm allergic to Vanes's sneeze cat." Liar! Vair vair pathetico. I have no cat and I don't want one. I mean, really, I was in sheer desperadoes for days after leaving Lady Fiona at home.

Not.

I would have loved to tell him what would really make him sneeze in very fluent Portuguese.

However I don't speak Portuguese.

Dough Boy was excused to the nurse, without a bloody catch.

"Mr. Vanes, please clean up that…disaster." Professor Slughorn said nonchalantly as the infected one left the room.

I'll show you a disaster you overgrown toaster! I wish I had the audacity to tell him to bugger off.

I bent down to wipe the gook off my shiny new shoe. If there is anything that annoys me, it is a good shoe put to waste. I heart shoes!

Ick. I wiped my hand on Nott's shoulder in front of me (he cringed and glared at me), then bent down to polish off the job.

Except when I touched my shoe, I couldn't un-touch it.

I was stuck. To my shoe. Bent over in knicker baring glory.

REGULUS WHELKER DOUGH BOY BLACK! YOU JERK-FACE!

"Erm, Professor?" I yelled.

He looked around for his pager. I nudged the desk until he peered around at my bum-oley clear in the air for all to see. Of all the ways to be stuck, I had to be bent over.

"I'm stuck, Professor." I said.

"How'd you do that?" Professor Slughorn asked.

"It was Black! He must have knocked over a sticking solution onto my foot. I tried to clean it up but I'm stuck!" I explained.

"Really? How would you say you're stuck?"

"To my sodding shoe!" I yelled.

Why does this always happen to me? I must have done something horrible in a past life, like shaving someone's eyebrows off.

"You might want to go to the hospital wing then." Professor Slughorn said. He muttered something about an interesting choice of potion.

"Yes I think I might." I said dryly and hobbled out of the room.

Pferd! It is hard to walk with your hand stuck to your shoe!

I can't wait to get my hands around Black's neck. If he's at the hospital wing (bollocks!) when I get there I will make sure to glue his nose shut so he can never sneeze again.

Ever.

* * *

Friday 12 September -Great Hall

Mmmmmmmmm. Meatloaf……

Meatloaf is the most gorgeous, faby invention since taste buds.

And it's for dinner!

Score!

Even Sirius asked to shake my hand when I topped his meatloaf consumption at dinner. Peter stupidly ruined my victory when he asked if I wanted to go have my head examined at the nurse for competing with Sirius at the Supper Olympics.

As if.

My head is full of intelligent things and deep understanding. Gosh, Peter is getting majora stupidus these days.

Potter was smart enough just oogle at me disbelievingly. Remus the Bludger pretended not to notice (He was reading Pig-man….or…Hamlet, something like that.) Frank just continued badgering me with questions about what I was eating, why I was eating and when I was going to stop eating before they had another Sirius on their hands. The table cringed when he said the latter of that statement.

When we were finished, Dumbledore decided he didn't try to expose me enough. My nerves were fried as soon as he stood up.

"May I have your attention." Dumbledore said mistly and paused for the Hall to quiet down. "This year we have been invited to participate in an international extravaganza. The European Wizard's Elite Quidditch Association will be sponsoring an international tournament between Wizarding schools for scouting the newest rising Quidditch stars. I have accepted the invitation. Tryouts will be open next week for fifth years and up who wish to represent Hogwarts on the school's unified Quidditch team in the King's Quidditch Grand Championship. Captain will be elected after the team is chosen. There is a sign up sheet on each House announcement board and each candidate must enter themselves. Please, do not discombobulate anyone or thing in the rush. The hospital wing only has a capacity of twelve…" Dumbledore beamed at the hall.

"Brilliant!" Potter and Sirius high-fived.

"We'll all make the team. It will be so bloody amazing." Frank said.

Oh. Dear. God.

How could I tell them that I couldn't play Quidditch? Okay, I know the rules because of the marvelous and super fit dishy Ireland National Quidditch Team, but: I live in a muggle neighborhood and I went to an all girls school for _ladies_. That leaves how much time to practice Quidditch? Zip, zero, zilch, none and nil. I've never flown on a broomstick!

SOD!

How do I tell that to a bunch of blokes with enough adrenaline to flood the Pacific Ocean and enough talent to amass the galaxy that I can't play Quidditch?

I can imagine my funeral now. Loved ones and friends will be crying, repeating the mantra: 'She was so young and only in her prime' as they mourn They will look at photos of me, I'll make sure they're ones of me in a groovy plaid skirt and some killer shoes, even though I have big feet. The Hogwarts lads will be bent over my coffin, wondering why Dumbledore hadn't told them about the BEAUTIFUL girl that was among them. Mournfully, they will try and close the coffin…with difficulty…because I am so stuffed with meatloaf.

Erlack.

"I doubt that. Hufflepuff has Amos Diggory, and Ravenclaw has Ray Chang. Allister Kovinsky isn't a pushover either. Prongs, Padfoot and Frank may have wicked skills but not everyone here does. This isn't Gryffindor's House Team." Remus the Bludger said.

Frank grumbled in agreement.

Remus Lupin, I could snog you in any form! You might not like it but that's not what's important here.

"We're the Marauders, we'll make it! We're the best!" Potter cheered.

Merlin, could his head inflate any larger? It's nearly its own continent. I take back any nice comments I ever had about Potter.

"Also, everyone will be dead scared that they'll get a prankfest if they bump one of us off the team." Sirius added with a nod of his head.

I have absolutely decided I could not back out of this gracefully. HAH! I am the resident klutz of England and grace equates to my Quidditch skills: NONE! Take that, you cosmic universal powers that are against me, you!

Remus the Bludger sighed heavily and shrugged.

After that, we were all dismissed like a stampede of antelope heading for the watering hole. Little do they know that watering hole is probably infested with disease.Those poor antelope may get infected.

During the avalanche of hopefuls, I managed to loose the Git-auders as I crawled on my knees among a squabble of first years. Once out of sight, I bum rushed away from the confused little 'hobbits' and in the complete opposite direction of the Common Rooms.

Mrs. Norris, Filch's alarmingly stupid cat pounced on my trousers 'round the ankle as I tried to run. With a heavy, desperate heart and even heavier trousers, I ran-hopped to the school entrance when I tripped over the contorted hem of my pants and landed in a pile at the bottom of the entrance staircase.

No sign of Mrs. Norris. I think I lost her sometime on the way down. I hear her whining.

What is it with cats and human names? They're already smarter than us and I see no logic in magnifying the difference.

Found Mrs. Norris. She's perched atop the chandelier.

I wonder how she got there.

* * *

Later - Gryffindor Common Room

The Common Room was chock full o' nutters when I finally stumbled inside, gossiping about the new tournament.

"Oi! Lee! I signed you up for the tournament!" Sirius belted and waved from a window bench the Marauders were all crowding around.

"But I thought I had to sign myself up?" I nearly pleaded with him as I made my way over.

"You think the Marauders can't get around that?" Remus the Bludger said with a quirked eyebrow.

Crikey.

Remus, old buddy, old pally wally, I thought you were on my side.

I decided not to ruin their boyish high spirits, and instead I grabbed a banana from the adorable fruit bowl sitting in the Common Room and toasted it over the fire while manning my post on burning-down-the-tower duty.

All I could think of was Quidditch.

Krapfen. I am in deep poo.

* * *

Saturday 13 September - Common Room

I cornered dear Sirius after breakfast while Potter and Frank went to get their equipment for Exploding Snap. A night of tired logic yielded that I needed ignorance to bail me out of this situation. Alice would be laughing hera rse to China if she could see me now - er - maybe she can. But minor details! Speaking of details she hasn't flooed me yet with results for Project Potter. He's so good-looking some wet snob has to know him! The guy must have had a girlfriend before. Ooh, maybe I can casually ask him who his girlfriend is and then question her. She must be an angel to have patience and a lot of money to house is stupid inflated head and all his ego. They might want to add another floor because it's still growing with his Quidditch talent. Wait, talent, Quidditch…where was I before I so rudely interrupted myself? Oh yes. Stubborn Lily Eva- oi!- Lee Vanes has to ask for help.

"Sirius, I need your help."

"Have no fear, Sirius is here!" He saluted.

I tried not to roll my eyes, really I did!

"I'm a muggle-born…and-and I never really learned how to fly well because my past school was….useless." I blabbered like an idiot.

Sirius was gob smacked. "What back-water school are you from?"

A crap ladies' school (or I would so kick your arse in the name of lady.) I can belch its anthem if you'd like. Peter taught me how to change pitches -

Whooooo where did that come from? ACK! I am mutating into their kind!

Eww! That's gross!

"Erm, if it's unknown would you even know it?" I tried. He seemed to accept this logic.

"Don't worry Lee. Professor Sirius Orion Black will turn you into a Quidditch star by dinner time." He punched me in the shoulder for emphasis.

"Er - sure." I massaged my injured shoulder.

"Get your broom Lee! Quidditch pitch in ten!" He barked and charged to his dorm dramatically.

Blimey. Sirius was _serious._

* * *

Later - My Dorm

I am quite literally lying in a bed of pain. My Quidditch robes are soiled and soaked with sweat but I am too tired and achy to wrestle them off.

I am beginning to wonder if this effort and torture is worth the education. I've got a bit of natural flying talent if it's any consolation.

Hah. Consolation. HAHAHAHAHAHA yeah right!

I removed my identity spell and wiggled out of the uniform until I was just in my jumper and trousers

Hmmm. Snuggle snuggle. Ooh….sheep. One...Two...Three...Forty Four….zzzzzzzzzzzz

* * *

Sunday 14 September - My Dorm

Sirius Orion Black needs to be hexed in the face.

Why?

Because at bloody five thirty A.M. he levitated an alarm clock into my room to disturb my well deserved anti-zit beauty sleep. Who even knew he was capable of waking before lunch!

But:

Blokes plus Quidditch equals Loco.

By the time I was out of bed I was extremely grumpy. I am not a morning person as you may have guessed.

I cast my identity spell, grabbed my broom and cloak and scuttled down to the Quidditch Pitch.

"Aww lookit. Here's a beautiful morning glory." Sirius said, I can hear his voice dripping with sarcasm, similar to Chinese water torture.

What a smart arse. Of course he was referring to my hair that vaguely resembled Potter's shockingly untidy hair and my bloodshot eyes.

"Only sport obsessed psychos get up this early." I said in my defense.

"Well that's exactly what I'm going to turn you in to." He said. How thoughtful of him.

"Sirius, don't be a git and a fool and a prat. Or stupid. Have you seen my Ireland National collection?" I gave him a death glare and stomped to the center of the misty pitch. The grounds were breathtaking covered in mist with a rising sun however I couldn't care if they resembled Siberia.

We decided to start out by mapping out what positions I would stand a chance for:

James was the seeker. Sirius and Remus were beaters. Frank was a chaser and Peter tried to be a chaser. We decided that it would excellent for matches and for stuffing around if I would be Keeper.

That meant for a good part of the day, I was target practice. My Comet 180 wasn't as nimble as Sirius's Clean Sweep Four and he had his life's experience more than I. We didn't end our 'session' until supper. I only fell from my broom or lost control four times. Each time Sirius would either levitate me to safety or transfigure a giant pillow. (which I would have gladly fell asleep on. Afterwards he would only shake his head and tut like a chicken in Quidditch robes.

The slave driver and I rejoined the rest of the gang for supper afterwards. Potter made sure to give us both a suspicious stare. **What is it with all the suspicion?**

I watched Sirius pile his plate with corn.

Maybe he was a chicken after all.

* * *

Danke for all your wonderful reviews! I know this is probably not what you were all expecting! You'll have to wait and see what disasteriffic dilemmas Lily gets herself into next! I won't give away a word - because I have the next few chapters planned out to the tee and I refuse to spoil it for you. 

**Agnes1014:** Remus is indeed a half blood. However during their conversation, we the readers can only see from Lily's point of view so I am going to share James's logic with you. See, James figured that the majority of the school is pureblood, except for Remus and 'Lee'. If Lily realized that Remus was a special case, then she might figure out there might be a special reason for Remus's enrollment at Hogwarts since she herself was a special case as a muggle-born. Because of all the unpalatable and concealment charms on the school, (and her own special case) Lily would soon find out Dumbledore's mastery of disguise. James was simply worried that Lily might suspect something of Remus, and then pry and invade his privacy to find out what it was.

**J.E.A.R.K. Potter:** Lily and James are on civil grounds for now, but there is a long way to go before she completely abolishes the thoughts of twitdom coinciding with the name James Potter….if that's possible.

**WitchyMage:** An excellent question about electricity at Hogwarts! I figured some loophole existed with electricity at the school. Not that the movie is anything to go by, Mr. Lupin had somehow managed to get a record player to function during the Boggart lesson. If you'd like a very technical explanation, think back to Colin Creevy's camera. By electricity or batteries, it has to function on electric. I can prove the electric was present because of the flash that went off when he took a picture of Harry. Inside cameras, even in the 1970's is some form of prehistoric computer chip. Inside a little box on the chip is die-electric tantalum powder. Die-electric means the tantalum powder is always charged with an electrical current until the shutter goes off, triggering the flash. The powder releases the charge that erupts in a flash of light, then quickly cuts off the current after use and builds up electrical charges until the next release. There is your loop-hole that proves some electricity can function inside magic barriers. Or you can pretend it was just magic. ;)

Once again, please review. I would appreciate it greatly. I really enjoy reading your comments.


	6. The Super Orangutan Ego

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, but if I did…

Thanks go to my awesome reviewers.

Sorry for the delay! Here is Chapter 6!

* * *

Monday 14 September - After Practice

Something miraculous has happened! I, the world renowned klutz, have managed not to be klutzy. I made sixty six and three quarters saves tonight as Keeper. Honestly.

What else is good you may ask? Besides seeing dishy blokes in Quidditch robes? That this was all in a six hour practice that Sirius the slave driver had arranged. That's eleven saves per hour.

We're going to ignore the other forty shots per hour that I let in. You win some, you loose some.

I am leaving the Universe of the Useless and entering the realm of the Nearly-Not-So-Useless.

Oorah!

* * *

Tuesday 15 September - After Practice

Brrrito. Fall is here a bit early. I have procured a milky pops drink from the house elves to soothe my tattered nerves, as well as my numb-blue fingers. I made sure to accidentally breeze by the bloke's changing room to catch a drift of hot shower steam. (When I say accidentally I mean deliberately.) Can't linger too long or they start thinking you're a bit gay.

Ahhh, sweet bed.

Owww.

Unfortunately Sirius believes in the clout of violent Quidditch and I now no longer have any feeling, or for that matter, a tailbone.

It fell right off and rolled away.

Can your bum fall off?

I like my bum right where it is. How would I sit without it?

Crikey! I don't want to know.

* * *

Wednesday 16 September - After Practice

Practiced with Sirius. There's nothing like floating around in the air while a bloke throws a giant red ball at your head, which you are supposed to simultaneously throw yourself in front of it instead of moving out of the way like sane people.

But that's just the marvy sport of Quidditch.

Good Lord.

My brain has been replaced with a Quaffle.

I've been diagnosed with Quidditch on the brain.

* * *

Thursday 17 September - After Practice

Ahhhhhh Quidditch. I literally blobbed like a big…blobby thingey does up to my room. The Hogwarts lads just stared at me like I had two spoons stuck up my nose. However I was too tired and discombobulated to do something about it.

Must write defense against the dark arts essay now. This shouldn't take too….zzzzzzzzzzzz…

* * *

Friday 18 September - After Practice

Cannot.

Feel.

Arms….

Quill.

Nearly.

Out.

Of.

Ink.

I can't be bothered though. I would have to get out of bed to get another one.

* * *

19 September - The Day of Doom's….erm…sleeping face.

"Good morning sunshine!" Sirius hugged me, cheerfully smiling as I emerged sleepily from my dorm. I don't trust this smiling business. Happiness should be illegal before 9 AM.

"Get off me you loon!" I spat and shoved him off.

"Aww, lookit! Ickle Lee isn't a happy chappy. No need to go spitting chips yet, because I have something that will cheer him right up!" Sirius pinched my cheeks into a smile like the obese, giddy aunt at your granddad's 250th birthday party.

"Oi, Black! Quit rearranging my face!" I slapped his hands away. I despair for his sanity, which is declining at the moment….

"Quidditch tryouts are today! Aren't you excited! It's going to be…woof woof!"

My jaw dropped to the floor. Well not really, because then I would have to be very flexible and I am not because I cannot walk five feet without tripping over something. I said "Sirius, did you just bark like a dog?"

On second thought, don't answer that. I don't want to know where his dog-like reflexes come from.

His smile vanished like Atlantis as he looked around nervously. Then he stared at me. And stared. And stared. And stared. Without blinking. Blimey, the boy's eyeballs must feel like the Sahara right now.

" 'Ello Sirius?" I waved my hand in front of his face.

Yes! The little people operating his brain finally came back from their tea break when Sirius said, "What?"

"Did. You. Just. Make. Sounds. Like. A. Dog?" I tried again, this time in very slow English that is reserved for the very mad and clinically insane.

He said rudely, "No."

Denial.

I quirked an eyebrow and smiled knowingly. Lily: one, Sirius: zero.

Then he said. "You did."

Insert scoffing here.

"I did not!" I squealed girlishly. Note to self: refrain from catfight habits in the future. "You went woof woof!"

"No, you just did."

"I was only reenacting you!"

"But I didn't say woof woof."

"You just did now!"

"Because I was imitating you."

"You can't imitate someone who is imitating!" Argh! It's a bloody parrot convention.

"Well I just did!" Sirius said and began snorting with laughter like a mad pig and slapping his thigh.

I secretly rolled my eyes and cautiously stepped back into my dorm. "Sirius, I think I have forgotten something very crucial in my dorm, like something to kill you with."

* * *

Later - Quidditch Pitch -

Drool. These lads are hunks of hunks of burning hunks.

But, I am staying at least a kilometer away from Sirius who is chatting happily with the Marauders. No sign of Peter. Wait, he's in the stands. Tosser.

Duo Chareaux of the National French Quidditch Team was officiating the team position selections. He might be a fancy sight if his nose wasn't the size of Buckingham Palace.

Keepers are tried second to last, right before the seekers. All I had to do was watch and stay out of the way until then. So I hovered on my broom somewhere around the Ravenclaw top-box.

Tryouts were going…well.

Chareaux is a wanker of an instructor. I'm getting exhausted just watching them practice. So far, Chasers have only auditioned. Le Commandant has chosen Alistair Kovinsky so far. Typico.

Hmm, I can almost hear him yelling at them about tactics and form.

Never mind.

I can really hear him yelling about tactics and form. Hogwarts-a-go-go, prepare yourself for a French Knicker Invasion by Le Commandant avec Largus Conkus.

I can hear him calling out the roster….

Dear God.

Nott and Amos Diggory were chosen as Chasers with Radio Frank and Rei Chang as reserves! Oh no, no, no and nein! Das ist nicht gut! I see no reason for Frank or Rei not to be a first pick. Two Slytherins already and a Hufflepuff git!

Sod!

It's the Beaters turn. I swear that if the Beaters are just as swotty as the Chasers then I will throw myself off this broom here and now.

Actually, no I won't.

I don't care about Quidditch, remember? Because I am really a girl. Games are for boys. I don't care about this stupid school team for which I have worked my knickers off all week to try and make just so I can get Quaffles thrown at my head during practice by jerk-face Chasers who probably have all joined up with the Dark Lord and joined in his escapade to take over the world and rid the world of people like me and my likeness just so some arse wipes who have the Super Ego Syndrome can feel powerful.

NOT WHILE LILY ANNA EVANS IS ON THE JOB! QUIDDITCH HERE I COME!

"SIRIUS! YOU WIPE THE FLOOR WITH THOSE SORRY SLYTHERIN ARSES! YOU HEAR ME? GIVE THEIR KNICKERS A GOOD TWIST! MAKE THEM - AHHHHHHHH"

* * *

Quidditch Pitch - Safety!

Earth! Sweet crusty Earth ground! I will never leave you again!

Ahem.

Maybe I will but that is not the point here.

I was simply being a bit over-zealous in my excitement and slipped my hands off the broom, before letting my feet loosen and sliding around to the downside of the broom. There I hung by the back of my knees like a deranged orangutan.

The truth of the matter is I didn't have to go nearly throwing myself from the broom anyways, because Sirius made Beater with Ravenclaw's Hiiro Chang, Rei's identical twin brother. Poor Remus the Bludger is the reserve.

Potter, Black and Frank look positively mugwumped about the whole tryouts schism. (A/n: mugwump is a name given to one who stands on both sides of an issue.) What happened to all that immortal Marauder confidence and strangling sense of brotherhood?

What a bunch of Benedict Arnolds.

I was routing for you, Bludger Boy and Radio Frank!

Bugger. There's something they are not telling me. I am going to beat it out of them if it's the last thing I do.

If I try to beat it out of them it _will_ be the last thing I do.

I might have to settle for tickling.

Krapfen! Keepers are up.

God save the Lily.

* * *

Nearly Midnight - Astronomy Tower -

The world has gone mad.

Earth has turned itself inside out.

The grass is orange.

The trees are red.

The sky is purple.

Antarctica is warm. Mexico is polar.

Severus Snape showered.

Duo Chareaux deserves to be locked in the nearest asylum.

And now you are wondering WHY? We are ignoring the fact that the size of his conk is a capital offense.

Lucius Malfoy is Keeper. I am his 'understudy' a.k.a. reserve - only because I was winning the audition so he hexed me from behind.

Cheater-cheater-pumpkin-eater.

That's exactly why I _physically _smashed his bony face into his pumpkin pie at dinner.

I take no nonsense from filth.

There's no mud in my blood; it is quite clean.

Can you tell I don't take failure well?

I pulled a tart and some scones from my pocket that I nicked from dinner and began munching furiously when I was rudely disturbed by Potter's entrance.

"You still sore?" He chuckled.

"Very. You can't complain; you got Seeker!" I said truthfully.

"I know, I couldn't help it." He took a seat at an observatory window, while I was still propped up against the wall and sprawled unceremoniously on the floor.

Suddenly I have decided that I would love to supervise Potter taking a leap of faith out that window. I swear I could literally see his big fat head inflating even larger. Soon it won't be able to fit out the window, but that's what the roof is for.

"You couldn't help it? You think I could? I was hexed from behind!" I growled.

"You should have been able to prevent that. There's a really simple counter-curse -"

Good point, actually.

"Theoretically! They didn't teach those things where I came from. I don't know half of the little tricks you lot pull off here." If it was possible, I sulked even further to the floor. I am practically the melted heap of the wicked witch of the west on the floor.

Sacré bleu. I have just been made into a troll by James Potter. Perhaps I should speak troll from now on.

Except I will never have as many bogies as a troll.

"Vanes, you are at the very least, a handful. I knew there was something different about you from the start, and I'm going to find out what it is." He said and ran a hand through his mesmerizing hair.

The moonlight does him justice and I mean this most sincerely.

Then he just up and left.

Krapfen. He's suspicious.

I'd ask Alice for advice but for this I might as well ask a troll.

But thirty seconds ago I learned troll. Alls well that ends well.

I pulled out my Floo compact.

"Alice, I am in need of major cheering to happinosity."

Her face flashed onto the mirror. "Li-_LEE _it is midnight you wet tart. But you're looking mighty groovy in this late hour though for a chap that isn't really one."

I remind everyone that this is my best friend I am talking to.

"Fine Miss Cranky Knickers. I will never Floo you again."

"Don't be such a prat. If you're going to get the mega hump like this all the time I'm going to fetch you from that school this minute. I'm awake now." She grumbled. I saw her cast a silence charm around her tapestries.

"What news from the School of Dim?" I asked.

"Mikalah Anlage was made Head Girl. I can get off nearly scot free from anything thanks to her. Dim Charlotte and Mischa are planning a coup d'etat, if that is mentally possible for two of Europe's most criminally stupid."

I always knew I there was a reason I thought Mikalah was fab-fabby.

"Bloody hell. The year I leave everything gets good. Has anyone noticed I'm missing in action?" I asked hopefully.

"Nix. Mikalah might have but I excused you when I told her you were having a crisis with your pet dragon."

"Pet dragon? ALICE JULIET PREWETT DRAGONS ARE ILLEGAL! I could be arrested! I do not ever want to imagine what else you told the other Beauxbatons!"

Alice looked thoughtful.

"Don't answer that! Did you complete Mission Potter?" I interjected.

"I might have heard Narcissa Black, a fourth year, saying something about him yesterday."

"And you didn't ask her?"

"Lordy no. She is in cahoots with Death Eaters."

Blimey O' Reilly! I have just had a stroke of inspiration. Narcissa **Black**, Sirius **Black**, and Dough Boy Regulus **Black**. I'm feeling some love in the connection section.

But that still doesn't solve where I heard the name Potter before. I've never spoken to Narcissa Black.

"No one wants Lucius Malfoy, her boy toy, breathing down their neck. Sane people don't mess with her." Alice said intelligently.

"LUCIUS MALFOY! THAT…ARGH!" I shrieked.

"You know 'im?" Alice was positively gob smacked.

"I LOST FIRST STRING KEEPER TO THAT GIT BY SABOTAGE! I COULD HAVE HAD A SPOT ON THE SCHOOL TEAM!" I raged.

"WHAT? You're playing Quidditch? With all blokes? With Death Eater blokes? And you're muggle-born! Lily, if you injure yourself or get killed, we'll have to tell your Mum and she will bury you alive unless your dead which in that case she will bring you back to life just so she can bury you alive." Then she got all mother hen-like and huffy.

Perhaps she is right. I may need to talk to someone normal about this.

Can't think of anyone I know normal.

"I'll admit, this whole scheme was funny as hell when it started, but now if anyone discovers you, you could be in super duper trouble." Alice began her stupid nervous habit of twirling her fringe.

Stupid fringe.

"Potter knows I am muggle-born. He's okay with it." I conveniently left out the part about his suspicious drive.

"Potter might be the only one. Stick around him until I get there."

"Until you get here?"

"That's right. Cadet Alice is coming to inspect and possibly fetch you from that school. I'm bringing an army you can't resist." I could hear Alice slamming her fist onto a surface in the background.

"I like it better here. I'm staying and you aren't bringing me back to Beauxbatons!" I yelled. I suddenly felt strange, warm pools under my eyes. I had become rather attached to my school of tossers lately.

As attached as I can be under a false identity.

And as a disguised girl.

"I'm coming as soon as I formulate a good excuse." Alice demanded.

Why is she such a good friend? Ex-friend for that matter.

"Fine!" I blurted and slammed the compact shut. See if I care.

Now I really wanted someone normal to talk to.

Still can't think of anyone normal.

* * *

FYI: Pronunciation of the Chang brother's names is as follows: 

Rei is pronounced as 'ray'

Hiiro is said like 'hee-row'

I'm awfully sorry for the delay. I meant to get this chapter up earlier, but I haven't been feeling well these past few days and writing was just not flowing freely. I'd rather delay a week than present something I don't feel is finished or polished.

On the other hand…..

Merci again for the amazing feedback! Reviews are the only way for me to know that you're enjoying or hating the story. Please keep informing me and I will be able to keep writing effectively. Your reviews are always very inspiring, and encouragement causes fantastic catalysts in writing.

I'm sorry if Sirius came across to be a bit out of character in this installment, but he was caught with his pants down and acted on the first instinct that came to mind.

**SiriusProtégé **- James will not be finding Lily out so easily. Can you just imagine his face when he does? However, he will be one of the last to know. That's all I have to say on the matter.

**Sugur-huny-bun - **Hahahahaha! You finally asked the question of which I am completely unable to answer. Where did I get this idea? My brain I suppose, but certainly not the 'idea shop of canon'. The plot began to form somewhere in the wee hours of the morn. My own prat mind spun together threads from about ten different ideas and the output was Little Lady. Perhaps a few books influenced it, but I can't be quite sure.


	7. Crash and Burn

Disclaimer: pfft! I wish!

A big thank you to PhoenixNS for her beta services and a second opinion. : )

* * *

Saturday 26 September

I am stressed.

An anxiety attack would be a terrible understatement.

I am way past an anxiety attack.

Deep Breathing.

Breathe In.

Breathe Out.

In.

Out.

What!

Don't look at me like that!

It's not like I'd last long in an anxiety attack anyways. I once passed out from lack of oxygen when I got an E on my Transfiguration Essay in third year.

Besides, everyone knows the key to stressful situations is deep breathing. I read it one of my mum's self-help books once. I'm not going to tell you that she also has a book on how to tweeze your nose hairs without professional help.

There have been a lot of disasters in history involving nose hair.

Right.

Where was I? Ah yes. Relax the mind. Ah yes. Let go of all tension.

I disguised myself under a tree in hopes that no one would notice me or disturb my ritual.

Fat chance. Frank is exhibiting martial arts in a clearing nearby for some Ministry aurors out on the grounds. He happens to be trained in nine forms of karate, six types of judo and two forms of interpretive dance. Crikey it's alarming.

Curse the people that have put me in this predicament.

Oh yes, I remember what those people are called.

My friends.

Ugh.

Why am I such an antisocial little hermit tonight?

Because of Hogwarts' very own Open House coupled with my friends' stupid logic.

I'll start at the beginning. That's always a good place to begin.

….

Earlier this week our loon leader Dumbledore explained that as a standard protocol, our parents were allowed to come up to old Hoggy-warts and walk through our schedule as well as inspect our teachers. It supposedly kept our teachers in tip-top shape, having our families inspect them. I don't know why Dumbledore just couldn't have said Quidditch and academic scouts were looking for talents and the new be-all-end-alls that would solve all the Ministry's problems.

Why can't anyone say what they mean?

Oh well, you might as well ask for the moon.

It's full tonight too.

We were asked to be in the Great Hall to meet our parents by five PM. I made sure I cast my identity spell as late as possible so it would not wear off. It's not like I had any parents coming, but I put on my best uniform….the one that looks like all the others…. minus the drool stains I accumulated from History of Magic and Ancient Runes. I even put on my Gryffindor scarf to show-off.

At five of five, I skipped down to the Common Room only to find it empty except for a few first formers afraid to move in anything less than par to a clump of wildebeest.

Bugger.

No Marauders. They didn't wait for me. Maybe they don't want to be seen with a me, a muggle-born, in front of pureblood families. Do I want to be seen with myself in front of pureblood families?

I'll run this by Dumbledore later.

Time to face reality…

I made sure I was one of the last into the Great Hall. Most kids had found their parents already who were bragging about which of their sons was better. Bloody hell, whatever powers that be must hate me. The Open House was nothing short of a prestigious even in society just like my mum holds. I must have done a terrible thing in a past life to land me here.

Most of the families had sat down to dinner. I was being gleefully ignored. I ate by myself in silence and after dinner I made my way the teacher's table to ask Dumbledore if I could be excused from society duty.

"Professor. I was wondering if I could be excused from this extravagant gala. You see I really can't be expected to attend because I am quite nearly an orphan this day and age. As a mark of my widow_er_-hood, I am wearing black for mourning." I pointed to my uniform.

Dumbledore looked as if he was about to cry with empathy. "I am touched by your story Mr. Vanes, but your family is still on their way so you are not an widowed orphan yet. And I like black. It hides many things." said Dumbledore.

"My family is on their way?" I gasped.

"Yes, I believe they have arrived now." Dumbledore pointed to the other end of the Great Hall.

What in the name of Merlin's pantyhose….

…I take that back.

Oh Merlin in heaven please help me!

I'm DOOMED.

In my surprise I turned and walked right into the table at which the Chang family sat and spilled pea soup onto some nitwit in a wheelchair.

It was their grandmum.

Oops. I can't even walk Death Row without tripping.

Well of course I started apologizing profusely for how disturbingly klutzy I am and that Merlin has a lot to answer for in the way of my destructive tendencies.

My 'family' started walking towards me. I could only stare.

"Mr. Vanes, I'm sure even though your family is late, they would appreciate you joining them for what remains of dinner." He smiled and then began talking about the new reinforced cauldron bottoms to be released next month with Professor Slughorn.

Did I do it because I couldn't say no? Or was it because the conversation was already over.

I glared at my visitors, whom I directed to sit as far away from everyone else as possible. Plates appeared before them which quickly filled. I then decided to tackle the matter and suffocate it before it got away.

They didn't fool me with their disguise.

"Alice, what are you doing, why are you doing it and when are you going to stop doing it?" I spat as she took a sip of pumpkin juice.

"Well _son, _I'm here to inspect your school." She said in a throaty, tenor voice much like my own.

Stupid sodding poser!

She was pulling a….me!

Her usually very pretty curly blonde hair was pulled into a tight ponytail at the base of her neck, making her usual gentle face seem bony and snake-like. I should have pointed out she resembled Lucius Malfoy but I was not in the mood for a duffing. I don't want to even know where she got her boots to make her into six feet out of five and a half. If it didn't make her more suspicious, she was dressed in all black and a black cape.

Why hello, Batman. (Cue theme music.)

Assisting her indeed was an army, one that I normally would have called the cavalry but today that was not the case. Posing as my _mother_ was none other than Namie Noriko, the eldest daughter of the Japanese Emperor of Magic. Namie was a true princess; her hair was never out of place, she had the most perfect shape her looks would serve as a pin up for the entire world, and she's never heard of a blemish or zit. Top that off with a very persuasive, no-nonsense attitude and you can't stop her.

Namie was not my biggest problem though. It was the _other _Noriko that came along. Five year old Rai Noriko - complete with princess dress, tiara and blankie - was sitting next to Namie.

She looks quite innocent right now, so you can be forgiven for mistaking the original Holy Terror with an angel.

Really, in a battle between the Dark Lord and Rai, old Voldie is going to get his knickers kicked.

"Don't you think someone will recognize Namie? I am not the son of the Japanese Emperor's daughter! I am not even Japanese nor do I resemble anything Japanese!" I hissed at them. "You are not married either! You're not even male! There are important people in this room! Someone is bound to notice!"

"You aren't a boy but you survive here. We'll leave right now if you come with us." Alice said triumphantly while shoveling some mashed potatoes into her mouth.

"No." I said sternly.

I grumbled as Rai catapulted cranberry sauce into my eye with her spoon. "Bad botty boy!" Rai scolded, then reached for the Shepard's pie and plunged her face into it.

"What other delightful vocabulary has she learned?" I asked as I rubbed the cranberry sauce from my face with a napkin.

Of course Namie thought the whole situation was incredibly funny. "You'll find out." She said gleefully.

This is what the Japanese Ministry of Magic prides as their next leaders.

Joy.

"How'd you get here," I paused to dodge a spitting fest of pie from Rai who had resurfaced. "with such stealth?"

"Flooed Namie and told her everything and she rigged a request to the Headmistress for my time because 'Nihon Novelties' was writing an article the life of a European _Belle_Madame bought it; you know her. The Japanese Agency of Magic set up a Port Key for us and voila." Alice explained.

"Well Alice, you are certainly doing an excellent job so far fitting in. The air of a cross-dresser about you." I teased.

She said, "I know. I look like a prat. I modeled my disguise after you."

"I am not a cross dresser!" I whispered and seized Rai's spoon and flung some spinach at Alice's face.

She gasped. "Do you know how long it took to make up my face like this! I do not have a spell for this like you do!"

See how Beauxbatons has rotted her brains without my presence? Alice never cared about make-up before. I will have to smack some sense into her…the girl way.

"It's getting loud in here, no?" said Namie, consciously looking around.

We pointedly ignored her.

"That's new, I thought it was your real face." I hissed. "I certainly hope that isn't your favorite cape _Batman_!" I sloshed the gravy bowl onto her uniform.

She leapt to her feet and knocked over the bench holding Namie, Rai and a few other families.

"Your aim is pretty good, _Wonder WOMAN._ You'd have had more of a chance as a Chaser." She sneered while chucking her goblet of pumpkin juice at me which spilled all over my hair.

GASP!

She didn't!

This means war!

"Oh yeah!"

"Yeah!"

I could have been in a room full of ostriches, but I didn't care. She was going to get it.

"Food fight!" I shrieked. Wands flew out, parents screamed and there was not an untouched bowl of tarts left alone.

I was pleased to see the Marauders giving some Slytherins the smack down.

Most of the upper society prats ran from the room and took shelter in the hall to avoid ruining their designer outfits, but some stayed and joined in when some lads began throwing limes at their rivals in chaotic drive-by fruitings.

Fruit can be very dangerous.

I was fruited with pineapple.

Namie and Rai eventually joined in; everyone still involved had already forgotten why the fight was even started. I love how childish everyone seems at this place. I am positive it was Dumbledore that levitated that cream pie onto the Malfoy patriarch's head.

Good times.

But I will still be ignoring Alice later.

………

Back to the present. Namie is coming over again for round twenty three of negotiation between myself and Alice who is moping over by the lake. I'm sure the giant squid is keeping her company. Everybody knows a squid is the best kind of friend to have.

Except for a moose.

Even better: meese.

Wait, isn't the plural of moose, moose?

But that isn't really the issue here. Point is, I am down one friend.

One best friend.

Namie looks angry. I don't blame her. There was some blue food coloring that wouldn't come out of her hair. She gave up and eventually just turned her entire mane neon blue. It clashes quite horribly against the dusk sky.

She's yelling in not-quite-English-anymore. I'd be expected to translate but I can't hear her.

Gosh, I love silence charms.

She's stamping her foot. Go ahead, but the ground is not going to go any farther away and you're not going to get any taller.

I just adjusted my position under the tree and yawned.

Ah, I see she has a wand.

I have one too!

Is that a spell?

Crap!

* * *

**Later -**

Injustice!

I have been forced to negotiate, dangling by my ankle at wand point! Namie and her stupid levitation charm.

She said, "Lily, don't get the mega sulks. Don't be in how you say, bad humor. Or I will humor you." Now put all that in Japanese and you have what she really said.

Then she pulled out her wand and whoosh, I was levitated over the lake.

Hmph. Alice doesn't have to be levitated.

I crossed my arms in mute protest and stuffed my nose into the air, as much as you turn your nose up while upside down.

We can't all have Pinocchio's nose.

Or Duo Chareaux's.

"Okay, now apologize. Both of you!" Namie commanded.

"I'm not apologizing for something that's not my fault!" I yelled.

"It's certainly not mine! I didn't fling spinach at you!" Alice said.

"I wouldn't have had to fling spinach at you if weren't here."

"Well next time I won't be concerned for your life!"

"My life is fine. Mind your own."

"That's what you said when the llama at the London zoo tried to eat your hair because it resembled a carrot." she said and laughed a little.

"I try not to remember that." I said through gritted teeth. Bloody carrots.

"I was just worried." Alice admitted ashamedly.

"Next time don't gear up the Batmobile just yet. You should at least meet some of these guys. They're great. Potter, Remus, Sirius, Peter and Frank wouldn't let anything happen to me! I know there is a bad lot here but…" I inhaled sharply. "…I'm alright. The world can't get rid of me that easily."

"You're right. That would make it too easy to get rid of you." Alice said seriously.

Bloody… best friend.

Damn. I give up.

"Okay I surrender. Can you put me down now?" I begged.

"Hai." Namie smiled.

Hai. What does that mean?

Think brain.

I remember: Yes.

Uh oh.

Those were my last thinkable thoughts before I was dropped into the cold lake water.

* * *

On the school steps

The Equator is warm.

On the other hand, I am not.

All because of the sodding Marauders.

I've been asked to introduce them to Alice, Namie and Rai, but they're completely MIA.

We've been searching the grounds for sodding hours.

The sodding full moon is risen.

Alice is looking worried. "They're not with their parents. Maybe they're pulling a prank? They are pranksters right?" She said shyly.

"Not underneath all these Ministry wizards' noses. Don't be dumb." I snapped. The cold was seeping through my robes and beloved scarf and I was getting irritable.

Namie said, "They didn't slip inside? It's dark. We may have missed-"

" - No." I snapped and continued scanning the grounds.

This is weird. I'm actually worried.

Rai gurgled at Namie's side. We managed to discern "cold" and "bum" from her tired slurs.

I agree with her sentiment.

"This is ridiculous! They're probably having a good laugh while we make arses of ourselves." Alice said dryly.

I said, "Who says we need the Marauders to make arses of ourselves?"

"Point well made." She said.

We squinted through the darkness.

Where's an owl when you need one? Any other time they're delivering howlers, pecking you for food and pooing on your shoes.

Suddenly, Namie screeched, "Rai? Where are you?"

We all gasped and looked around. Well, she was there just a second ago. I hope no one gave her a wand…

I saw a pink dress fading into the distance.

"There!" I yelled. We bolted from the steps onto the dark grounds. It felt like we ran for miles. If my intestines weren't below my lungs I'm quite sure they would have fallen out.

Can't forget my appendix too.

Rai trotted off towards a rather formidable looking tree and sat down at the base.

"Rai!" We all yelled desperately. I had even abandoned my male voice. This is how concerned I am.

"Doggie dog dog." She babbled as Namie approached her.

"Rai. Never do that again." Namie shrieked. She made to scoop Rai up, but never made it. In the blink of an eye, Namie tripped and was whooshed into the ground.

Apparently there is a hole there.

Alice screamed as Namie disappeared and I rolled my eyes.

They've never had proper hole experience.

Thank the nifflers that I'm suitably trained.

I picked Rai up. "Namie? Daijobu?" I called.

No answer.

Alice is chattering with fear like granddad's dentures.

"What if she's hurt?" She whimpered.

"That's what we're going to find out." I said.

"Beg pardon. We?"

"It's only a defect in the Earth." I said and gave Alice a little push before jumping in myself.

I hear her screaming on the way down.

She's doing quite splendid.

* * *

I know this is sooooo not what everyone expected and I felt the effects too; this chapter was hard to do. I hope it turned out alright and it pleases you all! 

Thank you for all your reviews! I cannot believe how much positive feedback I am getting for this story! I'm really glad you're all enjoying it and to my shadow readers: I hope you're finding entertainment as well. Keep reviewing and I will keep writing!

**Elspeth Renee -** Since this story is 99.998 percentabout Lily, it wouldn't be very fair to keep her out of the action for long, now would it? She will play but I'm not going to say how. wink wink

**Sirius protégé -** Alice won't be going to Hogwarts permanently, but she isn't out of the picture. Her main role is yet to come, so for now, she's just there to give Lily high blood pressure. That can't be healthy….

**Fading slowly -**I don't know how Lily controls her hormones either.


	8. The Kitten and the Tiger

**Disclaimer: Duh!**

* * *

**Somewhere….**

I admit it; I left my pride in my other set of Gryffindor robes. Anyone with two brain cells to synapse would realize the stupidity of jumping into this hole.

Obviously, I have no brain.

Alice has even less brain.

And we're not really sure if Namie is even conscious.

Getting down to the matter, we have not landed in a friendly place. Actually we really can't see where we are but it smells unfriendly. You would think so too if you landed in something that smelled like rotting cabbage and poo.

This is the smell of success.

I quickly found Alice (her whining gave her away), secured Rai, and we made our way down a dark tunnel. I guess Dumbledore is trying to save money by not buying proper lighting. Everyone knows candle wax is really expensive these days.

Erlack. I have landed my exquisitely shined shoe in….mud. I hope it is mud. It should be against the laws of humanity to keep a place like this near a school. It looks like a rotting cave-swamp thing, only not so attractive.

Alice is rambling for Britain behind me. Between wheezing and sneezing from all the dust she said, "Lily, let's turn back. This place is awful. It leads nowhere!" She whined. I believe telling her that the tunnel obviously leads somewhere or it would be not be here and she is a fool for thinking it didn't lead somewhere would be a bit unfriendly. Honestly, I am nearly a psychiatrist. I should have a degree in listening to Alice's bellyaching.

We walked a bit further when I finally had enough. "This tunnel leads nowhere." I announced.

"That's what I've been trying to tell you this entire time!" Alice shrieked disbelievingly.

"No you haven't."

"Have to!"

"You only said it five seconds ago. That was not the entire time." I grinned which was an excellent display of triumph in anyone's book.

Triumph is fleeting, for Rai decided to bonk me on the head with her shoe and said "Spottie Bad Boy."

My eyebrows shot into my hairline. For the love of Merlin, who teaches her this?

"You are such a prat!" Alice announced. She shoved me aside and charged further into the cave, ranting in a stupid German accent. I'm hoping that was only the acoustics of the tunnel. I followed her grudgingly.

"I found her!" Alice's voice echoed through the tunnel moments later.

Happy Happy Joy Joy!

It was indeed Namie, unnatural blue hair and all. There was a small gash on her leg, probably from the fall but nothing devastating, unlike paper cuts. Ooer they hurt.

We levitated Namie to the origins of the tunnel and out to the surface, before rocketing ourselves ("Ascendio!") out of the hole to pancake our bum-olies on the ground. Owie.

I discovered I have landed myself in a spot of niffler poo.

I am exhausted trying escape the loo of life.

* * *

**Thursday 1 October**

Namie has been fixed up to the best of Madame Mar's abilities; she and Rai have returned to Japan. Alice is back andall miserable at Beauxbatons. I still look like a man. Things are getting back to normal.

Brrrrrr. I am sincerely hoping Quidditch practice will be cancelled due to Antarctic conditions. But noooo boys LOVE Antarctic conditions, as I have found out. I have little body fat and slim chances of survival in survival-of-the-fittest events, such as Quidditch. Last time we had Quidditch practice in such frigid weather the keeper had to be taken to the hospital wing because he had frozen to his broom. Conveniently, it was Malfoy is the keeper and I actually got to play. Every cloud has a silver lining.

But that is life.

Or in my case - death.

I snuggled down into my bed and savored the warmth. I savored it like a piece of...pie.

My bed was a pie.

In that case I sincerely hope it is an apple pie.

* * *

**After Practice**

Stupid Quidditch.

Stupid Jet Streams.

Stupid Cold.

Might as well be living in Yakutsk. At least I can wear one of those nifty Russian hats.

* * *

**Saturday 3 October**

Today is a Hogsmeade visit day. Hogsmeade is the last all wizarding village in Europe and its down the road from Hogwarts. I'm told there are shops and attractions there. We're allowed to dress down too. I transformed, slipped on some jeans and dark green sweater and headed down to the common room.

Cliques of boys were already gathering before they ventured off to the Great Hall where we were supposed to meet. I quickly found Potter and Black who were huddled in a corner. Potter was kicked back on a daybed in worn dark jeans and a black silk shirt with two buttons undone. Sirius paced back and forth nervously picking at his snug navy blue jumper.

Bloody. Hell.

I wiped my mouth quickly to make sure I was not drooling openly. That would come across so…wrong.

"Wotcher Lee." Potter summoned me over.

I nodded my head and was careful not to run into any students on the way over. As I approached, I could see Sirius was clearly distraught. I wonder what's his problem.

"What's your problem Sirius?" I asked and quirked an eyebrow.

"I don't know what shirt to wear. See, I have this really snow-white one, but it's so basic and I've already worn it once. I have a red one but I wore that two days ago and wearing anything twice, let alone in the same week is out of the question. I thought about having a tie but they're so hot and I like au natural better. I was debating wearing black but James is wearing black and I don't want to pose off of his style." Sirius babbled and inhaled deeply when he was finished.

I stared. What a…_girl!_ He worries about clothes more than anyone I've ever met and _that's saying something._

Potter must have seen the distraught and pleading gleam in my eyes, and decided to explain.

"Sirius has a fancy for the Hog's Head Tavern Keeper's daughter, Rosemerta, who we will be visiting today." Potter said as he entwined his fingers behind his head.

"What's wrong with white?" I suggested.

"That's too simple!" Sirius growled and threw his hands in exasperation.

Yar yar. I am not Merlin and I really do not care about Sirius's shirt color deficiency. I have my own problems to worry about, such as the lurker that has decided to make a surprise appearance this morning. However I have had a stroke of niceness and decided to help Sirius out.

"I know this is a stretch for you Black, but you could just wear what you have on now." I said. He just stared at me like my lurker had inflated to the size of my head.

God knows I tried.

I wish that when I actually give good advice, people would take me seriously.

When it finally dawned on Sirius that I was serious about just wearing a blue jumper, he started laughing and slapping his knee. He was snorting and going "Hnnurknurkhhhhnnnuuuuurrrkkkk."

Remus the Bludger chose to enter at this exact moment.

"Sirius, did someone shove potatoes up your nose or is that your laugh?" He asked congenially.

"I was just laughing at silly Lee who told me to wear what I have on to see Rosemerta. Isn't he funny?" Sirius said.

Remus snorted.

Potter snorted.

I snorted.

We snorted - not because we had potatoes up our noses.

Sirius, who is not entirely normal at the best of times, then caught on that we were not snorting with him.

"Do I look like someone who is stupid and mad?" He asked meaningfully.

"You do not want us to answer that mate." Remus the Bludger said forlornly.

Potter and I nodded 'solemnly' in agreement.

Sirius got the mega hump and stormed up to his dormitory. And they say women are fickle.

* * *

It is nearly noon and Sirius is still having a fit in the dorm. Potter, Peter and Remus the Bludger tried to bribe him out with food. He claimed the House Elves had given him all the food he could need. He has a point actually.

Potter is tossing spells at the door left and right. At this rate we will spend the rest of our lives trying to get Sirius out of his dorm. I should get used to being a boy.

I can't. I would rather plunge my head into a basket of whelks.

This calls for drastic measures. I stormed up to his door. Peter was blobbed on the floor forlornly, whining about his ant collection being locked in the room with Sirius. Remus the Bludger tapped his foot impatiently on the ground while Potter counted on his fingers for which spells he had already used.

"Sirius I have a question for utmost difficulty for your intelligent mind. What swings around a cathedral wrapped in cellophane?" I asked.

I heard some pensive mumbling before the door creaked open. Sirius's head popped out the door with a puzzled look.

"Good question. I give up." He said meaningfully.

"The lunchpack of Notre Dame."

Remus and Potter both slapped their foreheads. They're just jealous that it was my wit that coaxed Sirius from the room.

Right?

--

**Who cares…**

They refused to acknowledge my wit.

I am giving up boys.

However I am too excited to care.

Onward to Hogsmeade!

--

**Hogsmeade**

I can just see the fresh hell that will arise today. We headed to Hogsmeade via a passage that the Marauders claimed would 'get us there faster'. I don't understand how leaping into a hole behind a witch's hump and walking through a deep, muddy passage makes things any 'quicker'. Absolute bollocks if you ask me.

We were deposited in the sweet shop - Honeydukes's - cellar. I might have been amazed if the dust bunnies were not the size of a teenage dragon. Remus the Bludger climbed a set of stairs and peeked through the door. With a series of hand motions, we were instructed to move upstairs.

The sweet shop was unlike any muggle candy store I had ever seen before. The store is packed for all it's worth of succulent-looking sweets. I stared agape. Sirius and Remus decided they were going to get Sirius a proper shirt to wear for Rosemerta at Manches' Tayloring Shoppe. (It was the only way he would come) In the meantime, I was supposed to 'hang out' with Potter and Peter. Normally I would have complained more, but I was a kid in a candy store. There was work to do.

The shelves were lined with toffees, hundreds of different kinds of chocolate and levitating sherbert balls. Barrels of Bertie Bott's every flavor beans were landmarked. Peter gave me a tour of festive peppermint treats like Pepper Imps and Peppermint creams. I could not resist buying some Droobles Best Blowing gum - you could blow gum bubbles that wouldn't pop for days. I also succumbed to sugar quills.

I noticed Potter was watching me analytically as I shopped. He couldn't still be suspicious of me, could he? I should be suspicious of him. Where did he run off to Open House night? Hah Potter! The road drives two ways! You're hiding something from me. I can feel it in my …..spleen!

"Are you through yet?" Potter asked expectantly.

I quirked an eyebrow. "Yes, I suppose. Why are you in such a hurry? Got a hot date?"

"Yeah."

Sweet Merlin. I was not expecting that answer said with all the anger of an angry hippogriff.

Potter headed for the door with his hands in his pockets. I nearly gasped. I assumed that at an all-boys semi boarding school that contact with the female population would be extremely limited to family and family friends. I was…crestfallen… that I was not the only girl. I really shouldn't have expected to be, but I had at least hoped that I would deserve a little more time of day from Potter then his 'hot date'.

Sodding boys. I have half a mind to strangle Potter with my bare hands for his stupid…stupidness!

Peter and I exited the shop, grudgingly mind you, behind Potter. Hogsmeade village looked picture perfect; little thatched cottages and shops were standing majestically amidst a flurry of falling leaves. It will make an excellent Christmas card when it snows.

Potter took up a quick pace which Peter and I mimicked. If he is trying to make my day miserable he is doing a bloody brilliant job of annoying my little polka-dotted socks off. Really, they are polka-dot.

"Potter, where are we going?"

"Not we, me."

"Excuse me? You can't just leave me here! I have no idea where I am!" I tried to block his path. Instead I tripped over my own feet while nearly knocking an elderly wizard off his pegs. It would appear I cannot _exist_ without tripping.

"Find a map." He said to me, who is currently face planted on the ground, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Charming.

Can I ask what I ever did to deserve this treatment? Maybe I put chocolate pudding on toilet paper and stuck it to some Hufflepuff's feet last week, but that was innocent fun. They laughed after they realized it was pudding. I will probably do it again some time.

There was that fake vomit in the pumpkin juice too.

It was a bit mean to ruin their shoes and dinner, but I still do not deserve this from Potter. He's not mad about my heritage is he?

No, he respects Remus the Bludger despite his.

I am seriously concerned that aliens have taken over his body.

That's not possible. Aliceisn't here.

I whipped out my wand, thinking that I would show him who I really was, and he would be so gob smacked he would not be able to ignore me. Then I thought better of exposing myself.

I am just going to hex Potter in the face.

Incredibly mature course of action.

Put that on hold. He getting away through that crowd of sixth years.

You can run but you can't hide!

* * *

**A bench.**

He can hide quite well. Blast!

I have lost Potter.

Peter excused himself claiming he had an 'appointment'. If you all found a girl to snog why don't you just say so? I'm not jealous. I'm actually really glad that I'm not expected to join you as well as the fact you don't want me to join you. Really, I am.

Now I'm alone and lost in Hogsmeade. Thus I add an amendment to Lily's Rules of Life:

**Rule 43:** Get one of those nifty American cowboy hats and then lasso the Marauders. That way they can't ditch you.

The end.

Excellent advice.

I wandered aimlessly for a bit before stumbling upon Manches' Tayloring Shoppe. Sirius and Remus the Bludger! There is a God!

As I entered, a strange bloke greeted me. "Ahoy there laddie! Why dontcha come in and admire sum' of da finest threads 'n England.

What planet is he from and how do you not go there?

"Looking. For. Sirius. Black. Have. You. Seen. Him.?" I asked so slowly that a tree would understand.

The shop keeper blinked stupidly.

* * *

**Pfft!** **Sitting on a bench**

I was ushered out of the shop the moment after I opened my mouth. The shopkeeper thought I was foreign. The stupid shop only serves British wizards (and English speaking ones too which is obviously not me). That shopkeeper just lost a customer. I will most certainly never go back there again. I didn't find Sirius or Remus the Bludger either.

Is this what it's like to be pureblood? - to be overly selective in everything you do. There are a lot of good things out there that selective tendencies would never yield. If I have to be like that shopkeeper, I never want to be pureblood.

But there is a bigger dilemma at stake than how to tame wild purebloods. It is nearly nightfall; everything is starting to look the same. And I am lost in Hogsmeade. I have asked for directions, but naturally everyone is too busy to give me a straight or simple answer. I get untrusting stares because I do not have any definitive traits that connect me with a well-to-do wizarding family. Only rich families go to Hogwarts and I don't quite have the sparkle of richness about me.

Apparently I am a despicable posing scoundrel trying to run with the 'big dogs'

I might as well ask this small rock for directions. It has more intelligence.

Imagine that.

Am I the kitten that wants to be a tiger?

A little _lost _kitten for that matter.

* * *

Ahoy there! Aren't you all glad to see me? Actually you all are probably happier to see Little Lady back on track. You may all bow down and thank the wonderfully magnificent nature for depositing eight inches of snow upon my home and thus giving me a snow day to sit here and type chapter eight of this story.

I was proud of this chapter though the events seem mildly insignificant. I felt like I captured a handful of the real essence of Lily that will catalyze her drive to fight for the emancipation of the wizarding world from fear and Voldemort. I realize there are many gray areas but rest assured, I will clear them up in the next few chapters. Bear with me please!

As always, your reviews have touched and inspired me to keep writing. I was elated to see this story reach a milestone one hundred reviews. Thank you all so much for your support. I will continue to write this story faithfully!

**Responses:**

**Anna** - As the story summary indicates, this will be an L/J love story. They are destined to be together, and I would not think of writing otherwise.

**Mystic Madness **- I hope I'm not making reading difficult with all the British phrases. I'm American too, so I tend to go overboard with British slang. Let me know if I get too frequent with the drabbles.

**J.E.A.R.K. Potter **- Cookies for you! You hit the bulls-eye.

**Unknown species - **I have never read anything by Tamora Pierce. I will look into her writings though.

**Fadingslowly -**You've got the plot down. Although the boys will not find out Lily's identity for another number is unreadable because of ink spill chapters.

… **(anonymous reviewer) - **the British are normally schooled in French and German as a basic education. I try to bring that out as a token of validity that Lily is not some silly, aloof teenage girl and that she actually has values and intelligence behind her ramblings. I will try and tone it down in future chapters. Rei is an Asian name that can swing both ways.

PLEASE R.E.V.I.E.W!


	9. When Lily Met James

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Harry Potter. Sue if you wish but all of nothing is still nothing…..

Thanks to Phoenix for her awesome beta services!

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**Still lost in Hogsmeade - **

When life gives you lemons……

You throw them back and tell life to keep its damn lemons.

Being lost in Hogsmeade is definitely a lemon in my book. If Lee Vanes can't solve this problem, then Lily Evans will.

I will not be abandoned on the ship of life!

I drug myself off the bench of despair and began to formulate my plan: Lily-Evans-Shows-All-Who-Is-Boss. I decided that I couldn't very well just change back to myself right here. Lee Vanes's clothes are much larger than Lily Evans's; they'd fall right off and I'd be walking around Hogsmeade au natural.

Hmm, that's a problem.

I can't transfigure anything for the life of me, therefore making my own clothes out of some leaves is out of the question. I decided it would be uber intelligent to find a ladies' shoppe where I might find some girl clothes. Wandering aimlessly, it only took me twenty minutes to stumble upon 'Lady's Confections'. It sounds like something you sprinkle on pancakes. But pancakes are yum yum so all is well.

I slipped stealthily into the alley between Lady's Confections and Madame Puddifoot's Café (Sweet Merlin, gag me now!) and removed my spell.

Thank Merlin Lee's sweater reached my mid thigh, because my pants immediately became attracted to my ankles.

But soft, what PANTS through yonder window break?

My legs look like twigs inside Lee's giant trainers. I was incredibly smart to change in this little alcove. I just may reward myself for my intelligence later.

I gathered my pants up and held them at my waist. I didn't even get to take a step before I tripped heels over head over a paving stone.

I'm quite sure Lee's shoes are now on the roof of Lady's Confections. They flew right off my feet.

Why oh why does this always have to happen to me?

My jeans don't even seem sad that they have caused me dilemma. They're all clean and bright blue with joy. Bugger. Who actually wants to wear pants anyways? _Lady_ Fiona doesn't need them, and neither does Hammie. They're quite fit without them.

However I must succumb to conformity and wear them because if I don't, I may be arrested. I can just see my mother's reaction as she bails me out of Azkaban for streaking.

I wonder if the Dementors have ever had to guard a streaker before.

Pretend I never thought that.

Hmm, where was I? Oh yes….

Alright pants, this is how it's going down: I roll you up, you stay there. You behave until we get inside the shop, then you can do all the falling down you want. Get it? Got it? Good.

I hiked them up and ran like hell out of the alley way and into the shop. The shop-mistress was a middle-aged woman, who tried too hard to stay in fashion with today's teenagers. Her perfume smelled like some death moths had fallen into it. She eyed me critically and then winked. Is she training for owldom?

"Hon, I think you've mistaken your boyfriend's clothes for your own."

My mind screamed "What? What!" But my mouth did nothing. I could feel my red roots reaching into my face and coloring it scarlet.

Boyfriend? As if! What boy would want to put up with me in their right mind?

It's a good thing I don't know any boys in their right minds. Lee wouldn't have succeeded otherwise.

"Can I just get a change of clothes please?" I asked sweetly. If she needed any extra persuasion, I washed it away when I slapped a pocketful of galleons onto her counter.

"Sweetie, let's get to work." She said and clapped her hands together to summon her seamstress - another woman falling victim to the same bad tastes as she. I was forced onto a pedestal where I was analyzed like some ancient ruins or a wax caveman in a museum exhibit.

I sincerely hope I do not look like a wax caveman.

I was measured, poked, pricked, slimmed and analyzed until at last the seamstress declared, "Perfect. You have excellent measurements. We have just the things for you." Pfft! I bet she tells all her customers that.

Then I was forced into several elaborate outfits, each clashing with my hair worse than the last. Why do I have red hair? The plum purple blazer I liked would have matched so beautifully with brown hair. Not red.

Why me?

The last straw was when they tried to force me to don a flowery sun hat. "It's fall. I don't need flowers and a sunhat! Can I just have some basic clothes? Please! That's all I need!" I gritted, trying to keep my tone as nice as possible. I may need their services in the future.

They laughed snotty, nasal laughs. "Darling, you can't be serious." The owner said.

"Actually, I am quite serious."

That wiped the smirks off their faces. I telepathically shouted "I win".

They ended up forcing me into a pair of holey, paint-splattered jeans. Apparently they are "fashionable in the States". America has some stupid trends. I made them keep my upper half simple with a white shirt and a black track jacket. My trainers are just plain green, thank Merlin.

I paid and then carefully shrunk Lee's pants and sweater so I could pocket them. Before I left I suddenly remembered I forgot something.

"Excuse me, but can I quickly get my shoes off your roof? I accidentally tossed them up earlier." I asked sweetly.

That was the second shop I've been kicked out of in one day.

* * *

I have never been one for supreme emotional extremes and I daresay I have the emotional range of a pinpoint. Aside from irate spaz moments due to klutziness and the occasional euphoric phrase, I am quite an iceberg. But…. 

I LOVE BEING A GIRL!

Except for the times when the wind blows by and makes me virtually eat my hair. I should really keep a hair tie, except twenty three minutes ago I was a boy and boys do not wear hair ties. They really should. You never know when you need a circular piece of rubber.

I walked for another fifteen to twenty minutes before I stumbled on something familiar.

The Hog's Head!

Eggscellent.

I strutted into the pub. I fully plan to show the Marauders who is boss. They were in the Hog's Head. I would not allow them not to be. I also happen to think self-delusion is a grand thing.

The interior of the pub was dimly lit, and slightly barren. Traces of sweet sulfur smoke intertwined with the exotic scent of interwoven firewhiskey and butterbeer. There were intricate torches on the wall, but most of the lighting came from candelabras on each table. However, I could not help but notice there was a spiritual hospitality and homey feeling about the place.

All good things come to an end.

I scrunched up my nose as a middle-aged wizard removed his coat from a hanger and showered me with the smell of mothballs. Lovely.

I dug myself to the bar and sat down. "Firewhiskey, please." I ordered. I added a bit of hair flipping to enhance my maturity.

I haven't flipped my hair in so long. Mmm feels nice.

"I'll need to see some sort of age identification ma'am." The plump bartender asked.

Can't even get a bloody firewhiskey to make my day better.

"Fine. Butterbeer please."

"Sure thing Miss." He began to busy himself with fetching my drink.

Can he not see my maturosity? I could pass for eighteen. He must need glasses. That's it.

I glanced around; all the usual suspects. There were some Hufflepuff fifth years, the Changs sitting with two of their friends, Nick and Roy. All were flirting with a gaggle of village girls at the next table. I am alarmed to say that although I found this shameless, I was staring at Roy for a bit before I caught myself.

As I was about to look away, he winked at me. Then he motioned for me to come over with his finger. He's so bloody confident. Oh vair vair amusing. Do I look like a dog that will come at your call? Dogs have only caused me to fall in holes so there will be no doggy business for you. I'd wiggle my own finger at you, but I am in Lady-Mode right now.

I resumed my search for the Marauders. I was rewarded when I spotted them in a corner booth…with…no girls? Potter, Remus and Peter were pouring over a piece of parchment while Sirius (in new clothes) shamelessly flirted with a young curly-haired witch. Rosmerta, I suppose.

All that hostility earlier was for them to read some old shoddy parchment probably about some crap topic about crapland in crap world? There are libraries for that!

(Censored with good reason)!

I quickly paid for my butterbeer and stormed towards the door. Before I left, I heard someone shout "Red!".

If I hate being called something, it's 'Red'.

Seething and snarling like a tiger, I turned around. I was so angry that I turned around rather quickly and practically snogged the person lurking behind me. Sodding Roy it was.

Now I sound like that bald little green midget in Star Wars.

Yoda or something his name was.

I am loosing my patience with boys.

"Whoa, take it easy Red! If you wanted to snog me, you should have just said so." His tone arched arrogantly. He's bloody self-centered and I'm bloody uncomfortable. When you can feel someone's unwanted breath on your nose, they're a bit to close. Is there a book called 'Tips for Invading Personal Space' ? If there is, Roy has read it.

Heh. Heh. Heh heh heh heh. I have suddenly had an epiphany. Gone is all my advantage of being Lee, and replaced is Lily Evans….the girl. Who is over a head shorter and much less muscles than Roy. He's looking at my all dreamy and hypnotized.

"Do you fancy stepping outside?"

ALERT ALERT! ABANDON SHIP! MAY DAY! Air Force Lily is going down!

I shook my head 'no'. He grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards the door. My shriek must have caused a scene because then,

James Potter saved me.

Thank Merlin, I just may snog him later! (I will be a girl of course) I can honestly say I have never been happier to see him in my life.

He gently but firmly grabbed my flailing other arm. "I think the lady said no." He was smooth, husky, and even persuasive to the point of being deadly. My stomach did a somersault.

"Sod off Potter. I saw her first." Roy hissed.

Do I look like a piece of merchandise on the sale rack? I am not for sale nor am I discount! I feel like I'm stuck between two elderly ladies who are fighting over a crap sweater. I sense there will be a handbag fight.

I giggled when I thought of Potter and Roy in a handbag fight. They ignored my burst of laughter.

"If she needs an escort to the door, I'll take her off your hands. Go sit down." Potter purred.

Why are they speaking as if I were a burden? I'm not _that _difficult….. am I?

"I can escort her without your help."

I can do it myself thanks.

"Really, I insist."

No, I insist.

"It would be my pleasure to do it instead."

It would be my pleasure for you to leave me alone.

"It's no trouble at all."

Yes, it is troublesome.

This is getting……. riddikulus! I began counting ceiling tiles in a cool sort of way because the tension was making me want to go to the loo. Why can't we all just order butterbeers, strike up a drinking song and be merry?

Have they even noticed they're still holding onto me? This is exactly why women carry handbags – they're mature enough only to beat each other with them on special occasions. Potter and Roy would be sumo wrestling with handbags by now.

I started squirming in their grips. "I'll just escort myself out." I topped it off with a nervous laugh.

Roy snorted and wrenched me from Potter's grip. He ran, while I stumbled out the door as a prisoner of his grip.

"What the bloody hell is your problem?" I snapped. My wrist was hurting and I did not appreciate being dragged haphazardly through the Hogsmeade crowd. If I was Lee, I could beat the wizard right out of Roy right now, but this was far from the place for a change, nor was I dressed for it. Oh joy unbounded! I'm on my own.

I ripped my wrist from his grasp and massaged it gently. He turned and glowered. "Come on." He barked. I sidestepped him smoothly.

Please, klutz factor do not kick in now! Potter, where are you when I need you?

Roy stalked closer like a tiger cornering its prey. God bless reflexes, because they kicked in. My foot connected with his shin. Equal, Cornerpocket! I turned to run, and ran I did – straight into someone's chest, meaning I fell backwards on my backside.

Who in the name of arse?

Oh it figures. James Potter. He only shows up to cause me embarrassment and dither, not because I need him to save my pretty little head.

Wait, I don't need Potter for anything.

Roy didn't even stay around. "She's all yours Potter." He turned and disappeared through the crowds.

Potter lifted me off the ground and planted me on my feet. As I finally peered at his face, I felt my stomach flip-flop again. I felt …melted. His eyes glazed over, and he began looking into my eyes in a dreamy state. His eyes traveled to my lips. I silently remembered my promise to snog him when he saved me. And I would have snogged him there right in front of everyone

Then I remembered how he literally ditched me in the mud earlier today and left me to rot. Any sense of warmth and comfort left me like water in a drought.

"Thanks, but I could have taken care of him myself." I said and began walking in the other direction. He hurriedly walked along side of me.

"Oh really? It didn't look that way to me." His eyebrows had disappeared into his hairline.

"Potter, not everyone needs to be saved by you." I spat and walked in another random direction. He followed.

"How did you know my name?"

"I heard Roy say it." Change direction.

"How did you know his name was Roy?" He mimicked.

Oh shit. I'm not supposed to know that. Best change the subject.

"Look, don't you have someone else to bother?" I stopped and glared at him.

"I just want to know your name!" He shrugged as if it were nothing.

"Why? We'll never see each other again."

"You don't know that. I'd like to see you again."

"I'd like a lot of things too but it's not happening." I tried to walk away again when his hand captured mine.

"Don't you at least want to know mine?" He asked hopefully.

As if! I already know it.

"You're Potter. Now sod off."

He's not doing a very good job of earning brownie points with me, especially when he foiled my escape plans by yanking me back to him.

Oooh the power I would have if I turned into Lee right now. But Lee would not fit into these pants very well, or this shirt. Damn circumstance.

"What about my first name, if you don't know _that_ already too. You seem to know everything, Miss Know-it-all." He grinned like the cat that ate the canary. If this was his idea of flirting, he is destined to be an eternal bachelor.

"Excuse me? Know-it-all? If I'm a know-it-all then you're a self-centered, egotistical, narcissistic, impossible pig! I'm no damsel in distress and you're no knight in shining armor. Now leave me alone you toerag!" I hissed.

That ought to put him in his place! Lily: 1; Potter: 0.

His eyes just sparkled. "Okay, play hard to get." He released my hand. "I'll see you around, love." He placed a chaste kiss on my cheek and disappeared into the crowd. I gently touched where his lips were. Beneath my fingers, I could feel the heat from my flushed face.

WHY ME?

* * *

First things first. Danke for all your encouraging and constructive reviews. I hope all of you are pleasantly entertained. To my shadow readers, I hope this fic provides you with a good read. 

I sooooo know this is not what you all expected, but I figured it was time for _Lily_ and James to have a little interaction before you all lost faith in the pairing. I have also let a bit of fluff run with me. I hope you enjoyed it!

I'll let everyone in on a little plot secret; someone will discover Lily shortly. It won't be James though. I have quite the chapter planned for that. But things are about to get…..interesting….

Please review….I would really appreciate your feedback, comments, and criticisms.


	10. Savoir Faire in the Lion's Mouth

Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros. studios.

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**Monday 12 October – an ungodly hour- The Great Hall**

Some days you're the dog; other days you're the hydrant.

Funny how I can't seem to remember ever being the dog.

Oh bollocks!

My picture perfect life -insert snort- is crumbling away. All because of Potter! I have not had one decent night's sleep since last Saturday. I have dreams about his arrogant face. My stomach flip-flops, then gurgles with nerves every time I see him. I've been avoiding him like the plague. What's more, I haven't written in over a week – I'm simply speechless. How often does that happen? Heh, **NEVER!**

That's why, at bloody 4:30 AM, I'm already in the Great Hall eating breakfast.

Ridiculous…. Potter! He was gentle, protective, and his hands were large and warm. They would certainly engulf mine if I were to hold them. At least I would never develop hypothermia.

Ooer. He's just a boy! An absolute tosser too! I don't even like him. Well, as more than a friend. _Lily's friend_.

Do I?

"Can't sleep?" A husky voice asked from the shadows.

I must have jumped, because I heard a low rumble of laughter. I wish the light from the jack-o'-lantern would have reached farther than the silver edges of my plate. I hate being caught unguarded and when my prat mind is in deep thought. Yes, it is quite deep. I don't think the intricate design on this plate is more complicated than the web I've spun in my mind.

Ooh how poetic…and wax. I am a sap.

At last I am no more of a sap than that batty knight and his fat pony. Really, the French Underground Bison Society? If I were him I'd…..

"Lee, are you okay?" Remus the Bludger emerged from the shadows.

I completely forgot he was there.

"Wotcher, Remus." I said and sloshed porridge into my mouth. Charming.

"I asked earlier if you couldn't sleep. You mustn't have heard me." He said with genuine concern as he sat opposite of me.

"Nope. I'm training to be a werewolf. They're semi-nocturnal you know."

It must be the lighting, because I swear Remus looks as if he's about to cry.

"I know." He said grimly.

"Are you training for werewolfdom too?" I asked before sipping some milk.

"I…uh…" he chuckled. "yeah."

I found myself laughing too. I have no clue what is so funny about werewolves, but this is an ungodly hour and I am Lily. Anything is possible.

"Just thinking of us as werewolves is foolish. How many stupid werewolves are there in the world anyways? Five? What wankers they must be." I finished with a laugh.

Remus sobered immediately. He got up and left the hall silently, immediately, and positively crestfallen.

Did I say something wrong?

I'm a terrible pessimist, but half the time people don't even notice and think I'm merely being happy-go-lucky - a pathetic interpretation if you ask me, but my dry and sarcastic humor usually goes straight over people's heads.

Why did Remus look so hurt this time? Together we've busted on others loads of times! Our sessions turn into a regular fireside chat; you know, guys' night out….but…without actually going out.

Werewolves….he must be related to one. Li-Lee! YOU DIMWIT!

Maybe I'm just not cut out to be a guy………………

Well of course I'm not. I am a girl! SHUT UP BRAIN!

I really should just stop thinking, take a vow of silence. I'll do a search spell for the nearest convent in which I can barricade myself from the world. I will become a turnip! I'll do less damage that way.

For the remainder of breakfast I ate quietly, and tried to think of nothing at all.

* * *

**Before classes – **

Technically I can still write, because writing is not speaking. Rotten luck chums and chum-ettes, you're not off the hook.

* * *

**Defense Against the Dark Arts –**

The vow of silence has been broken. Alice flooed smack-dab in the middle of Defense! I had to excuse myself to the loo, claiming I would empty my breakfast in Professor Littlefield's new pensieve. When Littlefield realized he could have the contents of my stomach for memories he quickly obliged.

I bum-rushed to the nearest bathroom.

Blimey! Urinals! Still not used to them. No place to sit down either.

I checked under the stalls for ditcher-boys smoking fags or actually using them for their intended purpose. Glad I didn't find anyone, because that would have been awkward. What do you say to someone when you barge in when they are pooing?

Find anything good in that newspaper?

……….

First thing tomorrow, I'm buying a new brain.

I was interrupted with shopping details when my compact made this farting noise. Alice must have an important message. The compact makes noises depending on the urgency of the message….which will get you excused from whatever you're doing faster.

I think I'll get rid of the farting noise though it is humorous. It's even more fun to make sounds with your armpit. Peter and Remus can do them beautifully.

Crikey. Lee is taking over.

"BLOODY HELL LILY! OPEN THE COMPACT!"

There's no need to get angry. I was pondering the mechanics of bodily functions.

"You know, if I wasn't standing in the boy's bathroom_ completely_ alone you would have blown my cover and I would be marched to an asylum for cross-dressing." I said dryly.

"So you've finally admitted that you are psycho and you are a cross-dresser?"

"No."

"Well you just did."

"Did _Not_!"

"I wish I had a recorder."

"Alice, why in the name of Merlin's knickers are you flooing during class hours?" I shrieked indignantly.

"Oh! Right then! Today during Divination, I had a premonition."

"Divination is absolutely codswallop and bollocks! I've always thought Arithmancy was much more reliable! Why do you still take Divination! Even I'm not stupid enough…."

"I didn't see-"

"Divination is the absolute worst subject. Here at Hogwarts where_ real students_ go, we don't waste time with stupid subjects like Divination."

"this in a crystal -" Alice tried to speak. But I really didn't want to hear what the next fab nail polish shade would be – shimmering diamond or pinecone gold.

"Why do even take Divination Alice? I had more respect for you than to take a class Charlotte takes. I hope you don't plan to be a Seer in your life because-"

"LILY ANNA EVANS! **SHUT UP**!"

Yes ma'am.

"I haven't even begun to explain anything yet! This isn't about the new nail polishes – shimmering diamond and pinecone gold though they are fab – this is about saving your neck like a good friend should! But now I hope you take a leap of faith, in the faith you don't survive, because you're ruined! You're turning into someone I don't know - you are becoming Lee. Lily would have never spouted what you just did! No offense, but I don't want Lee for a best friend!"

Think she has a point?

"I just flooed to tell you, I received a premonition _via a letter from our mothers_ who will be arriving at Beauxbatons tomorrow for a conference with Le Dame. The post was late and didn't arrive until second class. Is divination phony now Miss-know-it-all!" Alice challenged.

KNOW-IT-ALL? She and Potter must have the same brain and a lot of nerve. I am no know-it-all!

Wait did she say….

my mother is coming….

to Beauxbatons? As in L'Académie des dames de Magie!

There's _one_ problem with that - I am not there to meet her……

**ACH SCHEISSE**!

"Alice you are indeed a friend of the first water."

"That's not what you said earlier." Alice replied sourly.

"You win some, you loose some. I've got to see Dumbledore." I said. My adrenaline was flowing so furiously my ears could hear it pumping. My limbs turned to jelly and I felt as if I had recently developed Parkinson's disease.

Feels like Quidditch. Or Potter. Wait, cancel that last thought. Not Potter. NOT POTTER!

"What for?" Alice asked dumbly.

"my 'beautiful wand'."

* * *

**Counting gargoyles, some corridor, and lost. **

Was it this gargoyle, or one of the last twelve I passed?

Blimey O'Reilly.

To hell with the Fidelis Charm, hiding a room behind one of twelve gargoyles is enough to confuse anyone, especially Voldemort because we all know how little brain he has. He's a pureblood with ridiculous motives.

I smell lunch wafting from the Great Hall. Mmmm…chocolate.

I love chocolate. What girl doesn't?

My stomach grumbled. Ooer, I haven't eaten since 4:30 this morning.

"I know, I want chocolate frogs too." I whispered to it. Lordy, I hope no one would happen to be strolling along whilst I am speaking to my stomach to calm its rumbly nerves.

Suddenly, like magic, the fourth gargoyle leapt aside to reveal a narrow spiral staircase.

Score!

I plowed up the stairs and straight into Dumbedore's office where he….wasn't. I'll just wait then. Upon full entrance to the office, I noticed the red and gold phoenix perched on his stand. I always knew Dumbledore was a Gryffindor fan and may I add that he has made a fabulous choice of bird. The feathers were so soft, clean and in perfect order. I gently stroked it as it purred in bird language.

Birds can't purr but that's not the point here.

On top of that I was hearing voices as I pet the bird….phoenix!

I looked around. I was by myself as far as I knew. Yet I hear voices! I looked up to find a myriad of portraits scowling and muttering scornfully to each other behind their hands. Oh how subtle. I craned my neck and ears in hopes to return their subtlety and eavesdrop.

"Never! Never have I seen such scandal. Really!"

"The founders would have never allowed this!"

"How could Dumbledore have let this happen?"

"I've never dreamed they'd let so naïve and unworthy a student into these walls."

"The likes of her are not welcome here."

"It's pure irresponsibility!"

And….ouch. These portraits had to be talking about me. As far as I know, I'm the only 'she' in this building. I was sad, then angry; I've always been trusted by authority. Then some arse wipes who live in a picture frame for Merlin knows how long decide they're the experts? Well once I started, I couldn't force myself to stop.

"Just listen here you shreds of rotting old canvas! I have just as much capable brain power as the boys in this school. So what if I'm not a pureblood! There are oodles of people in this world who aren't pureblood and that does not make them any less human. We have right to everything purebloods do; I've grown tired of being treated like a kicked puppy because of my lineage and I will not have it from a bunch of dead men! Savvy?" I shrieked with wand at the ready.

They snickered.

It can't be good when pictures are laughing at you. When was the last time a portrait snickered to your face? This can't be a sign of sanity, but I wasn't in the mood to negotiate.

And then Dumbledore walked in.

Bugger! I would have ripped them off the wall and gorged their canvas with very sharp scissors.

Rereading that last line, I think I might be on the warpath to sociopath-osity.

Where was I?

Right. Dumbledore.

"Miss Evans, why are you holding my art under duress with your wand?" He looked innocently at me.

I suppose threatening ancient artwork with a long stick doesn't look very cultured.

Change of subject.

"Professor, I was wondering if I could talk to you about a...erm…field trip." I stuttered.

"Oh?"

So I explained everything there was to tell him. Since I couldn't gauge his reaction, I even spilled that Alice and Namie had been at the school for open house. The secrets were spilling out like word vomit and Professor Littlefield's pensieve was nowhere in sight.

"I see. When is your mother arriving?"

"Erm, tomorrow."

"Then it's best we…remedy this situation."

"You have a plan?"

Dumbledore rolled his eyes, smiled and winked. Then he said very forwardly, "I'm sorry to hear you're not feeling well Lee. I think you should take the day off tomorrow. By all means, take some of my **FLU**medicine powder with you. I daresay it produces excellent results." He motioned towards a homey hearth in the far corner.

"Good day to you. I hope to see you feeling back to your old self in a few days."

He ushered me towards the fire, sprinkled his 'FLU MEDICINE POWDER' in the fire place and then shoved me in without warning.

Talk about being pushy.

And just like that I left Hogwarts behind. I left the Marauders, the purebloods, Potter, Remus, and all things I had been agonizing over behind. It felt foreign, and nice.

In a spiraling haze, Dumebledore's office and Hogwarts spun out of sight as I began spiraling towards Beauxbatons.

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Aloha!

I'm aware that many of you are probably upset with me for letting this story go for two months before updating. I admit I was stuck with a slight writer's block for this chapter, and it shows. I did my share of procrastinating but my intent is to never abandon. I have also been forced to deal with a series of unfortunate events that have left me in a mood that is not productive for Little Lady.

I will earnestly write like a fiend on future Little Lady chapters now that I have overcome a difficult time in my life. I'm currently swamped with schoolwork as I'm leaving for Europe soon, but I will always keep writing. Thank you all for your support and encouraging reviews throughout this time.

Please feel free to comment. I love reading reviews, so make me happy!


	11. The Unmystery Man

**Disclaimer: I own diddly-squat.**

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**Monday 12 October – Beauxbatons**

I can fly. I can fly. I can fly! Blimey, circling over Europe high in the air makes it look like toytown below. England is at least symmetrical; France is like some strange amoeba organized the layout.

Suddenly I fell fast towards the ground, so I did what any sensible person does when experiencing gravity – scream like a maniac and pray I don't land on my charming face. –insert snort-

The show ended with a special grand finale – I was sucked into a chimney where I landed face first in a sooty fireplace.

Lovely. I have soot up my schnoz.

I clamored out of the fireplace very gracefully (not) and into the palace proper common room. A lounge. Only girls of 'Le Dame' status use this room. How ritzy. The room included high roofs, ornate tapestries, coloured glass, and white limestone walls that coincided with the rest of the cold yet fresh palace décor.

I inhaled deeply. Smells like girls. (as opposed to rotting boys)

And it's impeccably clean which is an indescribably large plus.

"Iz everyte'en alright een dere? I heard noises." A stuffy French voice echoed from the chamber door.

Donner and Blitzen!

And fiddlesticks!

And also DARN!

"I…uh..erm…why yes Madame. I mean oui! OUI MADAME!" I shouted, stupidly might I add, as I scrambled to sweep up the soot back into the fire with hearth paraphernalia.

"'re you certain? Your voice seems strained."

KRAPFEN! My voice! Sounding like a man has become habit. Not to mention I'm still Lee.

I need a plan. Quick!

I searched the room. No escape. There are no dorms in the lounges and no time for clothing change for Lee to Lily. I fumbled for my wand in my pocket and smartly dropped and rolled it under a couch once I'd untangled it from my robes. Oh hell's teeth.

I dropped down to dig out my wand, and simultaneously prayed for a miracle. Normally I don't get down on all fours to beg for mercy, but I will make an exception this time seeing as saving me right now is asking for a phenomenal cosmic favor. I believe I could perhaps this once get on my knees for the powers that be.

I heard the unmistakable "Alohomora" and the whining hinges of an opening door.

Rave on! My fingers curled around my wand and I muttered the first spell that came to mind.

* * *

**Thursday 15 October – Hospital Wing**

There you have it – the quotient of my transfiguration skills. I am exhausted trying to master the art of one of the most impossible skills on Earth. I have single-handedly landed myself in the hospital wing. Again.

Want to know why?

I bet you do.

I, Lily Anna Evans, had transfigured myself in to –

A carrot.

A blasted carrot.

I really meant to go for a chair, honestly I did.

I wasn't even discovered until the Head Girl found me in all carrot glory on the floor (a day later), and tried to take a bite of me. She figured something was wrong when the 'carrot' wiggled in her hand, leapt off her palm and began rolling away on the floor.

Anyone with a brain (or anyone who has lived with boys for over a month) knows that you do not eat random food off the floor. You simply do not know where it's been.

Or if it's even food.

In fact, it's better if you don't touch it at all.

Especially if the carrot is me.

My carrot self was eventually put back together and transfigured back to Lily; an orange Lily.

My skin is still carrot coloured.

It matches my hair.

Perfectly.

I am the human carrot. Because of this, I have not been allowed to leave the hospital wing due to frightened first formers and a flock of birds that follows me believing I am a pumpkin.

Or a large orange worm.

Outstanding.

As I was laying in the hospital wing on my own with no human comfort and life ebbing away, Alice came to visit me. She pointed and laughed immediately

"I never believed you are what eat until now." She giggled.

"I hate carrots Alice."

She snorted.

Oh Merlin and your cohorts, please bless my friend with some sanity.

"Is there anything in particular you wanted Alice? It's almost time for my de-carrotizing potion. Perhaps I will work on embroidering some toilet paper as I am so entertained here." I sniggered.

"It's not my fault, Ms. Cranky Knickers, that you're single-handedly running the biggest scandal England has ever seen. Suffering is required." Alice mused.

"I will suffer if it makes me more like Jackie Onassis." I pretended to puff up my hair.

"Oh please."

Of course I just glared at her and pretended to pay attention like a good friend would when his or her friend gave advice- with glazed eyes and a look that said 'the lights are on but nobody's home'. I stared blankly out the window.

Mmm clouds are nice. All puffy and cute….

Lordy, my brain is mush.

"Fine! Brood all day. It's not my fault you're a party pooper! I just wanted to have some good old times with my best friend. My best _GIRL_ friend." Alice exclaimed as she stomped out of the room in rage.

She seems to have gotten the point that whilst I am orange, I am not in my right mind and should be avoided.

Where are boys when you need them! A simple hex in the face would have cured all bad feelings and we'd be playing polo like right good chums.

But noooooo. Girls have to be so much more complicated.

I believe I've just started a bloody catfight.

* * *

**Later – **

I had forgotten what it was like to be a girl.

After I was released from the hospital wing, I had to make myself presentable – to avoid torture from the female population, and to please my mother. I was au natural for so long at Hogwarts, every inch of me had to be moisturized, painted, trimmed, bronzed, and decorated. To top it off I was forced into a matching designer dress, blazer, shoes and handbag.

I gathered my parchments in my hands. (It is unladylike for a woman to be burdened with a backpack.)

I stumbled from the common room into the corridor. Stupid shoes. Immediately my red hair drew attention – as I was the only resident red-head of Beauxbatons at the time.

Groovy.

Now we award prizes for placement on the Disgracefully Sickening Scale of Fake. Enter a contest whose participants range from misdemeanors like nasal laughter, painfully whitened smiles, fake smiles, botox, and fake nails all the way up to lavish tales of expensive holidays, cars, brooms, homes, presents, clothes, and shallow achievements.

I could use a good shot of firewhiskey about now.

Upon my arrival, I was hunted by the most terrifying of predators: Emma LeRouge. Her perfect blonde ringlets were more of a warning than a nuclear missile 10 metres from your face. She has a mouth for gossip, which will now be demonstrated.

"Oh _bonjour_ Lily!"

_I don't know a Lily_

"How marvelous to see you!" (giggle giggle, hug hug)

_Gag me with a spoon you plastic doll_.

"Where have you been for so long?"

_Two faced wench. I'm getting out of this conversation as quickly as possible._

"I was naturally terrified about being home for the last time, seeing as we graduate this year. I had so much to learn from my mother, and we were always very close. I was just not ready to part. I did not want to become detached from my role as faithful daughter." I gritted out with a bright, fake smile.

"That's WONDERFUL to hear!" Emma gasped exaggeratedly, then learned in conspiratorially, "There were whispers that you'd run off with a boy after you two….." then she made obnoxious inappropriate hand gestures.

_C.R.I.K.E.Y._

Everyone, meet the true face of Emma LeRouge: gossip queen.

Yet I will play her game.

"Emma!" I giggled and then checked over my shoulder conspiratorially, "you know that's foolish."

_Of course it is. I ran off with a whole school of them._

"Then what happened!" She exclaimed with a perky chirp.

"You see, I didn't run off because of _that._ We're engaged. But it's a big shush shush so don't tell any one!" I spoke as if I was speaking to a four year old who I'd just helped sneak into the cookie jar.

"Oh scandalous! Who is it?"

Good question. Uh oh.

I raised my eyebrows.

"You mean you _don't know!"_

She shook her head.

"Surely you of all people has heard"

She nodded no.

"It's super secret insider information."

She looked as if I was subjecting her to tickle-torture, you know that awful feeling that wells up in your stomach but you can't stop giggling and smiling? Keeping "top-secret" information from Emma LeRouge was like tickling her.

She wasn't taking the hint and going away.

I'm sure what I'm about to do is a sin, and karma will catch up with me and punish me severely, but live for the moment.

"I'm engaged to…"

At that moment something possessed my mouth and spouted the vilest of names.

"James Potter."

Emma let out a blood curdling shriek and fainted. Everyone stared.

At that moment I felt like playing monkey-see-monkey-do, but it would be girly to shriek and faint and I'd be called a wimp.

Actually I probably wouldn't.

Why?

Because I am in a girls' school.

However the little imps working my mind would call me a wimp.

Then it dawned.

Sod sod sod! I just blurted Potter's name to Emma. Europe will know it all in a day or two.

What have I done?

I ran from the crime scene as fast as heels would allow. Parchment flew and quills dropped in my breakneck wake. I ran out of the school. On the last step, my heel caught between stones and I tripped.

Eggscellent. Karma has caught up in .04 seconds.

I've put a hole in my skirt and my mother will be arriving tonight. That hole definately means a hole my character.

More annoyingly, astonishingly dim Charlotte and Mischa had followed me out.

"James Potter? Really, why would he be with you? Honestly the whole school is in an uproar." Mischa baited.

Lovely, the whole school knows already. .06 seconds

"Why wouldn't he?" I retorted as I sulked on the ground.

"We dated him once." Charlotte added snobbishly.

"At the same time?" Eww.

"No you slag. I dated him. Then he cheated on me with Charlotte." Mischa said proudly.

Eww.

"Listen love, we're only concerned for your well being." Charlotte had crouched next to me on the ground. She tilted my chin up to her tiny face with her index finger as if she were a figure to admire.

Don't touch me you disease.

"That means stay away from him. He was bred for women of our stature, not yours." Her voice was poisoned honey.

See? Pure evil.

They make boy hunting sound like it's a sport. I felt sorry for Potter at that moment. To girls, he was like brontosaurus trying to hide behind a pebble.

"That's his decision, not yours, Charlotte Umbridge. Unless you're talking about slapper stature. No wonder you were a trade-off." I spat.

This may come as a shock to the world, but boys have feelings too. I've seen them.

"This is your warning." They both turned and left.

Darn.

I feel a whole lot smarter in their absence. Their stupidity is suffocating.

I decided to take a walk around the grounds to think.

Let's Review:

For the past month, I had been cringe crossdressing as a boy to attend and all boys school to further my education since all I ever learned was useless information. (Well there is a Dark Lord. Defense Against the Dark Arts might be a useful thing to know!)

I befriended a bushel of blokes who happened to be the dishiest, egotistical, groovy, fanciful, smartest, arrogant bachelors in all of Europe. None of them realized I was a wolf-in-sheep's-clothing. (Yes, boys are that observant. They can't even distinguish their own kind)

We formed an international Quidditch team which I am now a part of and obligated to play upon. (Let's ignore that I learned Quidditch in a week)

When I did play Lily for a few hours, James Potter stalked me. I tried to give him the cold shoulder, but he insisted on being charming and lovely. He probably has cooties.

And now, I have returned to Beauxbatons for a day to cover-up what I have been doing for the past month while my mother visits. In the mean-time, I have engaged myself to that tosser James Potter without his knowledge and thus implied my undying love for him.

What I would do for an invisibility cloak right now.

Or a space ship to travel to Planet of the Apes.

It would be more civilized.

Dejectedly, I arrived at a grassy knoll with rocks and grass as far as the eyes could see.

No shimmering blue lake.

No giant squid.

No ideas.

Honestly, no one has ever written a story about how to get yourself out of a fake engagement because you wanted a little revenge on society's idiots.

Maybe I should apologize to Alice and ask for her advice.

Nah.

I'd rather recluse and go into mourning for my life once my mother finds out and kills me.

Perhaps I can take it a step further and become a nun.

The world can always use another nun.

Yes. Good Plan.

I debated the colour of my robes as I skipped back towards the school. As I entered the foyer, I heard an angry shrieking voice.

"LILY. ANNA. _EVANS!_"

Oh Merlin. It's _her_. This can't get any worse.

"ENGAGED?"

It did.

"WHERE IS HE? I WANT TO MEET HIM!"

Oh #$&#&#!

* * *

The ball is rolling now! 

Hello Poppets! Since we've last met I've been through 3 countries, taken my AP exams, build a roller coaster, and produced this chapter for you! Why it's as if I've accomplished something.

I invite you comment on this chapter as much as you want. Be as picky as you want. In fact, I insist!

Until next time!


	12. The Note

Dear Readers,

I am disheartened that I even have to post an author's note such as this. It is against policies but this is necessary. My concern is raised from reviews. While I enjoy reading every single comment and taking every comment to heart, I am rather bothered by the comparisons made between Little Lady, Georgia Nicholson, and Tamora Pierce.

First off, I have never read Tamora Piece. End of story.

Secondly, I have been accused of plagiarizing the Georgia Nicholson multiple times. I have read the series, but I do not sit here with an open book copying sentences out like some readers have suggested. I have even been threatened by a reviewer to be taken to court. Little Lady was born from my own personal plight, prattish thoughts, and childhood stories such as Mulan, not someone else's story.

It hurts me to think my ideas are distorted by a similar author. Many do not realize that many phrases used in this fic are not coined solely by one author, but are used by thousands of British people and Europeans each day. Little Lady is most certainly varied than most people credit it for. If Little Lady cannot be appreciated as the story it is, it will cease to exist.

I will acquiesce and post a disclaimer for any similarities between the series, however this is the only acknowledgement of the other series that I will make.

**I DO NOT own any phrases, terms, ideas, places, etc that are of Georgia Nicholson and Tamora Pierce. **

There you have it.

Glory


	13. Scenes From a Broom Cupboard

**Disclaimer: Nothing. Nothing at all. **

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* * *

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**I really don't care when…**

After this, I'm going to disown my mother.

"LILY ANNA EVANS! Engaged! For the love of God!" The horrid woman shrieked.

Doesn't that make you want to run for cover?

As she reached me, she pulled on my ear as if it wasn't large enough to hear her already BIG mouth.

"How could you do this to me without my permission? I was scouting you a husband all your life and you betray me and choose one behind my back. Is that any way to show appreciation for the woman who bore you? If these are the kinds of things you are keeping from me, I can only imagine what you've done in your alone time with him…" She ranted in my ear. I could swear I even felt a slight shower of spit occasionally.

If she thinks she can coerce me into respect and her own ideal arranged marriage then she has another thing coming.

"Are you listening to me? You haven't said anything yet?" My mum shrieked.

Her nose-hair ought to be trimmed. It's sticking out her flared nostrils like a forest.

"Er, yes mother."

"I want an answer!"

I've got two options:

**1.)** Tell her the truth – that I'm not engaged and that the girl was a lying slag while getting off with little-to-no punishment.

**2.)** Receive the most severe punishment of being forced into coming-of-age parties, and house arrest to ensure I don't see my "hubby" again (which might not be as bad as I thought).

I fancy the latter, but I'd never be able to go back to Hogwarts if I had her constantly checking up on me. Though I could get her thrown in prison for the mass execution that will ensue if I said number two.

"Well mother…-" I began, but she cut me off. Hypocrite! I can't even give her the answer she demanded.

"I never imaged you could be so wayward!" Then she started ranting again about some thing one of her conquests has said, or did, or something.. I could care less.

I listened for I don't know how long before I made an interesting discovery:

My eyelashes don't flutter! Seriously! All the girls at Beauxbatons practice it on each other and give pointers.

Gross.

But I still can't do it. I can only imagine I appear to be having a seizure as I try. All in the same, I have duds for eyelashes!

I demand a refund.

While I'm at it, I'm pretty sure _I'm_ malfunctioned; Can I get reimbursed for myself too?

My mother noticed my disinterest and decided to get revenge.

"So, I have chosen a suitor for you."

She's officially insane.

"You'll just have to call off whatever you've arranged." She grinned maliciously.

_I'm_ insane. I suddenly wished I WAS being married to Potter. He would be better than THIS.

"Pardon?" I said politely. I try to keep a cool, collected and calm exterior. She takes great joy in knowing she's under my skin.

"You heard me."

Sod! She saw right through it! Well if you can't beat 'em, confuse the hell out of 'em.

"Mother, I'm so pleased you're taking such an interest in my life. Really, I don't think I could find a woman who cares more about me. I am…interested… that you've found me a husband rather than my own. But tonight, Charlotte has told me that Mischa's cousin Mikalah told her that her third cousin Miciah has arranged for me to meet Alice who will be escorting me to her cousin's house for Halloween. I think we best continue this conversation through post, as I have a long journey ahead of me and I am just too tired to fend you off." I sighed, and pressed the back of my hand to my forehead.

I am so good.

The look upon her face was priceless. It was a mixture of shock and utter confusion.

"Bye then!" I began to walk away.

"Don't you dare!" I heard my mother's hiss, snake-like, which is an appropriate comparison.

Uh oh. I began to run towards the school – back to the Lounge - where my passage to Hogwarts lay.

I could hear my mother's lady-like requests ("GET BACK YOU BRAT! LILY ANNA EVANS!") as I ascended the stair in twos. I scampered into the Great Entrance. Ran to the left, another left, then to the right until I smacked straight in to….

Sirius.

And his family, including Dough Boy. I knocked them all over as I experienced inertia and my clumsy quotient.

My mother rushed around the corner in hot pursuit. She immediately flared like a firework when she saw the mass entanglement of limbs on the floor.

"Lily! What is the meaning of this? Are you daft?" She asked in horror.

I detangled myself from the pile so I could look at her with my best innocent act. I crouched on my knees so I even looked like I was pleading. Let's review the checklist for the innocent act.

Air of Remorse: yep

Big Green Bambi Eyes: got it.

Saddened posture: no problem

"Oops?" I tried.

My mother tutted. Whether she fell for it, I did not know. However like always, she tried to clean up my blunders to keep the name of Evans from being utterly and completely disgraced from hell to heaven.

"I'm so sorry about my daughter. I've tried to correct her awful affects but she is just so helpless." She said as she pulled each family member to his or her feet.

I noticed Sirius was staring at me with wide eyes.

Idiot.

He acts like he's never seen a girl before.

He continued staring without blinking.

Yes, Sirius, girls are part of your species. We are not space aliens, unless you're Alice. You can stop staring.

He didn't listen to my telepathic messages. Whatever. I can't be bothered.

I was alerted when my mother let out a cross between a whimper and a scoff. Who I'm assuming is the Black matriarch shoved my mother's hands away as my mother tried to dust their robes and apologize profusely.

"Stay away from us filth! You'll regret this day you wench!" Black's mother wailed. Behind her, Regulus protectively ushered the other family members away from us, except for Sirius, who stayed rooted to the spot.

What? I thought my mother was uptight, snotty and rude. If there is a book called 'How to be completely evil and unlikable', these people have got it. Why it's almost as if they're….

Pureblood.

My mother is a muggle. My mother's touch is probably the greatest insult of all to them.

Suddenly, I was so proud of Sirius for staying where he was and treating my mother like she wasn't a virus.

I saw my mother's lip quiver, and felt retched for leaving her so vulnerable. She may be a wanker in her own rite, but she never let me unprotected.

This is Lily Evans, evil to angel in .02 seconds. I'm coming back from the Dark Side.

"Sorry for the accident, but you've no right talking so ill to someone who's only trying to help. Please, apologize, or leave." I said. Last thing any of us wanted to see what a fight. I highly doubt they would give a second thought about using the Killing Curse on my mother.

Sirius caught on. "I'll deal with this mother. Go find Narcissa and celebrate."

"Do our name and Lord proud Sirius." His mother hissed with her own snake-like tongue. Why does everyone sound like a snake? Is it a new trend!

The Black family left.

My mother was still quivering and shaken. I sent her on her way to the Dining Room to grab a cup of hot tea that was always available at a small condiments table. When she was out of sight, Sirius spoke up.

"Lily huh? I remember you. You're Jamsie's conquest. We saw you in the Hog's Head a few days ago."

Conquest? I sound like some uncharted country with trees, badgers, and massive elks and bison. I bet my natives look wicked. They could be midgets wearing exotic masks and grass skirts. I can picture them at a pow-wow.

"Yes, let's not talk about Potter. What are you doing here?" I asked.

"It's my cousin Narcissa's birthday. We're visiting to celebrate." Sirius looked suspiciously over his shoulder. Then he looked back at me. "Listen, I'm sorry about my family. They're a piece of work."

"I can tell." I chuckled a bit even though it was not necessary.

We both jumped as a door clattered in the distance. Sirius shifted nervously for fear his family was returning.

"Quick!" I opened a nearby boom cupboard and shoved him into it, then slammed the door.

"Sorry love, but James has his eye on you. He's done nothing but talk about you since you met. I'm not going to snog my mate's love interest in a broom cupboard." He grinned cheekily. He nudged me suggestively with his arm, which I was entirely prepared for, and I teetered and then toppled to the ground.

"Oops." He said.

I take back anything good I ever said about Sirius. Stupid, stupid idiot boys. I stood with all the pride I had left. Then…

I boxed him on the arm. CRIKEY! My hand! It hung limply from my wrist! His muscles are as hard as his head.

"Bad idea mate. Looks like I win." Sirius was grinning like a …stupid grinning fool. Shut up grinning, you grinning prat.

"I am not going to date James! I have bigger problems!" I hissed.

Oh dear. I've joined the snake movement. Next thing we'll be building churches to worship snakes.

"Problems, like what? Why were you running?" He baited. I scoffed when he sat cross-legged on the floor, as if preparing for a long list of problems I had.

I do not have that many problems!

"Because my mother is choosing suitors for me whom I don't want to marry. So I told her I was engaged. And to get revenge on a gossiping girl who wanted to know who it was, I told her I was engaged to Potter." I said. Soooooo pathetic

Sirius roared with laughter. I resisted the urge to box him in the face. How glorious that would feel.

"This is the best! James will be so happy." Sirius shouted.

"Shhh! No he won't, because you're not going to tell him." I threatened.

"How are you going to stop me?" Sirius taunted. He stood from the floor, as if to emphasize how much more powerful he was than I with his large frame. Oh rave on you elf. Size doesn't matter.

"I'm coming to Hogwarts with you."

"Hogwarts? You could never enter there. It is a boy's school- Hang on? How'd you know we all went to Hogwarts? I don't recall us having our uniforms on in Hogsmeade?"

Smelly brown stuff!

"I…. uh.."

Very intelligent.

"I don't understand." Sirius was thoroughly confused. Nothing new there.

"You see…." I started. Here goes the biggest decision of my life. To tell or not to tell. I'll have broken various promises to myself, others, and a lot of school codes. Plus, there is the issue of the size of Sirius's mouth. Would he blabber to the Marauders and the school? My life could be over if I tell Sirius. So what to do?

It would be nice to have someone who knows who I really am when I return to Hogwarts. He also defended my mother, and didn't going on a mad campaign to kill all muggle-borns in the world. That's noble…and trustworthy.

I can't believe I'm saying this. I will deny I ever said this, and when the proof is shown to me in this diary, I will probably kill myself. However, getting to the point, I trust Sirius. May the force be with me.

"…I think it's better if I show you how I'm going to stop you from telling Potter."

Now, Sirius was interested.

And right there, I transformed into Lee.

* * *

Mwahahaha what a twist of events. Bet you thought I was going to stop here and leave you at such an evil cliffhanger. However I am just too nice to do that. Read on!

* * *

Why are girls' clothes so tight?

Blimey, his mouth is hanging wide open. I can see his tonsils. Charming.

Sirius is simply staring. I'm starting to feel uncomfortable.

He stuttered. "L…L..Lee?"

He is one of the greater idiots of the world.

"Aye."

"You're a girl!" I thoroughly enjoyed the gob smacked look on his dishy features.

"That is what they call us." I teased.

"I knew…" He began pacing. "there was something different about you from the start, but I was not expecting this. This is….." He paused thoughtfully.

"Witty, clever, genius?" I supplied.

"I was going to say disturbing. But I give you points for hoodwinking. What spell is this? Can I use it to enroll in Beauxbatons to be surrounded by beautiful girls all day?" He began examining my look for a magical seam line that might give me away. I suddenly felt as if I were being examined by that flashy lady back at Hogsmeade.

"Flawless! Perfection!" He declared

I always knew I liked Sirius best.

"Where'd you get this spell?" He asked. Still turning me over and over and examining me.

"Dumbledore."

"Dumbledore gives crossdressing spells to students?"

"I am not a crossdresser!" I snapped.

What an awful toerag.

"Bullshit. You are dressing like a man. I don't want to know what else that spell provides you with!" He said disbelievingly.

Grrrrr! I huffed indignantly.

"I wonder how many other boys aren't really boys in the school." He said thoughtfully. "There's many suspects, such as the Slytherins, and Horace Manning in Hufflepuff who we're all quite sure is-"

Ewwwww!

"SIRIUS! I'm sure I'm the only one." I said disapprovingly. When had I gotten to be so proper?

"Awww." He looked disappointed. With his head casually lolling side to side, he sauntered to a small window. He was silent for a moment, just gazing out at the grounds. "Let's go back. There's nothing here to do." He said lazily.

"What do you have in mind?" I asked.

He grabbed a broom. Astonishing! The wizarding world keeps brooms in a broom closest. Amazing! They were not invented solely for snogging couples. A great mystery has been solved.

Just call me Nancy Drew.

On second thought, don't. It would just be better this way.

Sirius muttered a spell, and kicked open the tiny glass window. He hopped out onto a hovering broom. (I didn't know he could do that)

"No offense, I like Lee, but I'd rather carry a girl on my broom. It makes for better style not to see two blokes flying around on a broom pressed against each other. I don't swing like that." He said, and extended his hand.

I changed back to Lily, but I didn't get on the broom. I do not have a death wish.

"Sirius, you think no one will notice that we've gone missing! Half the school is looking for me!" I argued and crossed my arms as if to prove my point.

Merlin cannot say I didn't try.

"Lily, love, don't be daft. Or stubborn. Or a prat. Or…nevermind. See, my family will think I killed you, and then ran away to James's house like I always do. Your family will think that you ran away to see your hubby again. All paths lead to seeing James. I'm sure he wants to meet his bride…again. If you're really worried I'll send your family a ransom note for your body. I've always wanted to steal away a pretty girl anyways." He winked at me.

I cannot believe his nerve.

"Well when you put it like that…" I looked around suspiciously. You never know if there is a midget hiding in the corner listening to everything you say. Shut up, brain. Shut up.

My mind went blank. Lily to brain! Brain is loosing control! May Day! My arm has suddenly placed itself in Sirius's hand, and he's pulling me towards the broom. Leg, why are you mounting the broom! Stop it. I demand to know what's going on! Answer me brain! I am giving you permission to talk this once and ahhhhh!

Whoosh! We were off.

Sirius and I flew off into the sunset, towards who knows what kind of trouble.

As we've all learned, trouble loves me.

* * *

Thank you to all my lovely reviewers! I was soooo touched sob by your encouraging comments. Little Lady will live forever!

**Now I just want to ask because of the foreshadowing, what kind of trouble do YOU think Lily will get into**.

R

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V

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W


	14. An Arena of It's All Gone Terribly Wrong

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. **

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**Flying…..**

"Sirius! Just exactly where are we going?" I yelled over Sirius's shoulder as we flew miles above civilization. Then again, I can't remember the last time I met a civilized person who wasn't whomping around like a Neanderthal. Yet taking such lack of culture to such heights is a bit extreme, don't you think? Well? 2000 Kilometers is a bit high.

You may ask why I have gone completely bonzer enough to entrust my life to Sirius. However, many things happen for reasons we don't understand, or are just too stupid to comprehend. Then it occurred to me.

"Sirius, do you know the way back to Hogwarts-a-go-go?"

"What? Of course I do Lily my love. I'm a man. I always know where I'm going." He said confidently.

Of course he doesn't know.

"Why don't we ask for directions? I'm sure I saw a town a little way back." I offered.

"No."

Oh my giddy aunt. I believe I have stumbled onto a conspiracy. All boys in the world are out to annoy me. Especially this one in particular.

"I'm serious!"

"No, I'm Sirius. You are Lily." He grinned cheekily.

Do not roll eyes.

Do not roll eyes.

Do not roll eyes.

"Sirius, I am this close to strangling you." I stuck a pair of my pinched fingers in front of his face. He would see how SERIOUS I am even with his back turned to me.

"Eesh. James is going to have his hands full taming you!" Sirius squealed and inched away from my body on the broom.

I scoffed, offended. "TAMING ME?"

"Er, I mean….taming your beauty. Yes, taming your beauty. You are one beautiful beauty you fire breathing dragon– OW!"

I mock shined my knuckles while Sirius sported a striking black eye. But before I could admire my work, the broom began plummeting towards the ground. In fear, I gripped Sirius's waist to the point where I thought I saw him turning blue.

Blue makes him look dishy, but not when we're falling thousands of meters.

"Sirius! We're going to DIE!" I squeezed him more. He gagged, sputtered, and squeaked like a rubber chicken at the mercy of my grasp.

"Well if you hadn't boxed me, I wouldn't have lost concentration on the spell and we wouldn't be falling." He spat.

"I don't care how you do it, pull this broom up now!"

"If you stop SCREAMING IN MY EAR maybe I could think!"

"Have you ever thought about anything? Honestly, when was the last time you put your mind to anything?"

"Once I…um…oh shut up!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No-" I let out a high pitched wail as I saw us approaching something else that is blue, and I don't mean Sirius's complexion.

The ocean.

When Sirius saw the ocean, he joined in screaming like a little girl.

Oh Giddy God's pantyhose, we're going to crash!

Screaming like little girls, we plummeted into icy waters.

* * *

We've left the Valley of the Mad and have entered the Arena of It Has All Gone Terribly Wrong.

Cold, wet, and pathetic, Sirius and I huddled together in a small rowboat Sirius transfigured from the broom. At least the boy is useful for transfiguration.

We're probably floating in shark-infested water, where the sharks will eat our frozen clammy bodies after we die.

And I am sitting aboard the M.S. Useless.

Why do I have such bad karma?

Oh, I can see the sharks now, cackling about what a wonderful meal they will have.

They say hallucination is the first sign of death.

Cherishing that lovely thought, I wrapped my arms tighter around myself and glared pointy, lethal daggers at Sirius. He must have felt the Voodoo effects because he soon glared back.

"This is all your fault." Sirius argued.

"My fault?"

"If you weren't such an irritating know-it-all we could be at Hogwarts right now!" He yelled.

Know-it-all. I AM NOT A KNOW-IT-ALL! Why is everyone calling me a know-it-all lately?

I secretly pulled the head off my Sirius Voodoo doll in my mind in hopes that his real would come off. It didn't. Damn.

Moving on.

"Sirius, I said ask for directions! You said you knew where we were. I don't remember the Atlantic Ocean being in between Hogwarts and France! We are half-way to America! I am not prepared to eat hamburgers for a lifetime! And then you transfigure a rowboat? Why not an ocean liner? If I die out here, I'm going to kill you." I seethed.

"It's impossible to make an ocean liner from a broom? Size does matter! How many threats do you make in a day woman? That's got to the seventy-seventh one on my life today! You are insensitive as a brick."

A brick? I know I have red hair but comparing me to a brick is just unfair.

"It's not a threat. It's a promise." I promised him.

"Well, then how about you stop talking and do something yourself!"

I grumbled. He has a point. I may be awful at transfiguration but I knew other spells. I grudgingly looked around the misty waters. I see…Erm…nothing…and nothing and….a shiny yellow light! No! It's impossible. I'm imagining things like when fools get lost in the Australian outback and get so hot they make things up. That's it. I'm simply crazy.

"Sirius, do you see that light out there?" I asked bitterly.

"It's probably just a sign of the afterlife to which I will gladly send you." He huffed, crossed his arms, and turned his back on me.

Tosser. Typical boy. I am so close to giving up understanding them.

"It's coming towards us. I think it's another boat!" I cried, and shot red sparks into the air, a well known symbol of emergency.

"Anybody ou' there?" Came a gruff voice through the mist.

Alpha and Omega! I'm saved. I will kiss my rescuers shoes when we land ashore.

"Yes! Over here!" I cast lumos and waved my wand tip around frantically. Within seconds, a wily black beard attached to a rather giant bloke came through the mist.

"Hagrid!" I heard Sirius yell from behind me. Then he gasped and tapped my shoulder. "Lily," He hissed. "You're a girl!"

Oh heaven on Earth! He's finally caught on!

"Of course I am!" I snapped back and continued waving my wand.

"ARGH! You are truly a handful Lily. Hagrid can't find you like this!" He spat. He seized my wand and shoved me off the boat.

I screamed as I plummeted into the chilly October waters.

"Change now." Sirius hissed. He quickly cast lumos on his own wand, extinguished mine and handed it to me once I had resurfaced.

Doesn't he realize that it isn't that simple? Typico. Sirius doesn't think about the preparation that has to be done. There is mood planning and make-up removal! I also must find a Hogwarts robe to replace this Beauxbatons one. He obviously did not think of that when he kidnapped me.

This is so cold, and so unfilled with dignosity. Stupid snake-boy. If I catch pneumonia in this water, I will kill him. Everyone knows pneumonia really builds character but – what am I saying?

"Lily! Get a move on!" Sirius pleaded quietly to me.

Fancy this: We're being rescued, which I am responsible for, and the minute we get help arrives at our flank, I am shoved from the boat and told over the side of the boat I can only be saved unless I am a boy.

I glared at Sirius, and mentally shouted 'Boys Schmoys'

He gave me a meaningful look, full of meaning 'Do As I Say!'

Oh all right. I muttered the spell and changed. At least this water will explain why I am now sporting a tummy-showing jumper, a very tight skirt, and my knickers have made the worst wedgie the world's ever seen.

And now for a word from our sponsor:

'The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our luck, but in our knickers that we are wearing.'

Thank you Caesar for your words of wisdom. It was unfortunate you were murdered by people you trusted. Don't worry, it's getting more and more common. Just talk to Sirius Black.

I gripped the rim of the M.S. Useless as Hagrid arrived at our side in his own fine Italian gondola.

Not. It was a rickety pothole probably made of splinters peeling off the shrieking shack.

I think swimming to shore is safer. Has anyone ever swam across the Atlantic Ocean? Ooer. I could be a first!

"'Re you two mad? Ou' on the lake on a cold night like this; Madame Mar will have your heads." Hagrid mused.

We were on the school lake the entire bloody time! This is so humiliating!

"What can I say Hagrid? I am a man of many adventures." Sirius grinned. Stupid grinning fool.

I think he fancies himself as cool. What is the matter with boys?

I was too busy aiming mental death threats and telepathic messages at Sirius to pull me out of the water until I noticed a tentacle has wrapped itself around my leg and pulled me under water. My cold, wet fingers slipped off the rim of the boat. I struggled and splashed for help not far from the boat but boys are idiots. They didn't notice. They kept on talking.

"You're a Marauder all right. Bloody troublemakers, but still the best thing that ever happened to this school. I've never seen those pureblood filth so scared." Hagrid said, and offered a hand to help Sirius out of the boat.

"Thank you, my kind man." Sirius bowed charmingly to Hagrid, who looked around cluelessly.

"Oy, wasn't there another lad here with you? He screams like a little girl if you ask me." Hagrid said.

On cue, I screamed loudly in the background as the squid tossed me into the air. Beggars can't be choosers, because on the bright side, it wasn't eating me.

"Girl?" Sirius laughed nervously. "That was me. I stubbed my….femur."

"Ouch. That must hurt." Hagrid shook his head as if the femur were a tragedy. Thank Merlin there are some dull crayons in the box.

"But um…see," Sirius looked around the boat. "Lee seems to have misplaced himself." He peered over the edge, at the same time I was tossed mercilessly into the air again by the giant squid, which has denoted me as its new toy.

"Sirius!" I yelled, and was tossed again.

I finally got his attention. His mouth gaped, his eyes widened like saucers, and his hand slapped his forehead in disbelief.

"Bloody hell…I am going to DIE when she…I mean…. he gets down from there."

"You win some you loose some." Hagrid mused as they watched me endure tossing torture. Both stood nonchalantly with their arms crossed upon their boats.

"I think I never I won." Sirus muttered, and finally started throwing spells at the giant squid.

I am going to kill him.

* * *

"Sirius Orion Black! What took you so long?" I had straddled Sirius in the shoreline grass, and we wrestled in between moments where one of us scored a pin. Nevermind that Hagrid was staring like a scared puppy. Nevermind that I had forgotten to use my boy voice. Nevermind that Sirius had rescued me. And nevermind that I was dressed like a male prostitute.

Hagrid looked confused. Poor bloke. If I cared, I might have been too.

"Would you quit it? If I didn't know you were a girl, I'd box you in the face. And it doesn't help that you spied on us, even lived among us for a month, and you know all of our secrets!" Sirius growled as he pried my fingers away from his throat.

"I though you Marauders were like brothers who let no harm come to another! Next time, use yourself as a play toy to the giant squid!" I shouted as I managed to halt him on the flat of his back as we fought in the grass.

"Lily, if you'd be more grateful and less superficial, maybe I would have been inclined to save you sooner." Sirius growled and forced me onto my back and pinned me.

"Well, I was scared!" I blurted. Sirius stopped wrestling me. His features softened when he saw my eyes that had undoubtedly welled up with tears. I removed the spell because at that moment, I couldn't take being a boy any longer.

Sirius sensed my discomfort, and rolled off of me to save my dignity.

"I shouldn't have told you my secret. It's going to be so different." I rolled over onto my side and covered up my tearing eyes.

Good Lord, when did I become such a girl!

"You thought it wouldn't be?" I could feel Sirius's incredulous look on my back, before he softened and placed a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry…for" I began until I was interrupted by a throat being cleared.

Hagrid's beady eyes had grown to the size of small saucers. He stared at us unabashedly.

Oops.

Bet this scene looks innocent.

"'Ello Hagrid. This isn't as bad as it looks." Sirius tried.

I feel a nervous breakdown coming on. If I smoked, you wouldn't be able to see my face behind the ten fags I'd have in my mouth.

"I knew you were a ladies man Sirius, but do you care to explain this?" Hagrid asked, distrust now evident in his voice.

"She's not here for a shag if that's what you're thinking." Sirius said nobly.

"Well then, enlighten me." Hagrid growled.

I involuntarily shivered. Sirius noticed and tossed me his cloak.

Sod. There was no other way out of this. I wrapped the piece of cloth tightly around my body and over my head. I looked like Sister Helga down at the local Cathedral.

"Hagrid, we'll tell you everything, but can we go somewhere less freezing and less open?" I pleaded.

When he saw my lips tremble, his eyes softened. Thank Merlin for girl power. Glaciosity all the way!

"I've got a cabin on the outer rim of the grounds. We can have tea there. And no funny business. And no lies either." Hagrid warned with a sturdy finger as we marched towards the quaint hut on the edge of the grounds.

"Well then, it's a good thing we've only got the truth to tell." Sirius pointed out.

"Like anyone will believe the truth" I muttered.

* * *

As I expected, Hagrid barely believed my story, though I really don't care what he thinks. And now, Sirius and I trudged towards the castle.

Fate must have an alarmingly strong desire to see me dead. It is my fault I'm here in the first place, but that's beside the point! I declare, the only reason I am not dead is because fate is having trouble deciding between lynching and the drawn and quartered set.

Personally, I like drawn and quartered.

"I hope it receives sadistic pleasure from my misfortune. Taunt me, tantalize me, play cruel jokes on me, oh great universe. Spit on me with bad luck, for I must have committed a sin so terrible, it is unmentionable, such as picking your nose in public and then eating it. (not your nose. I mean the bogie)"

"Um, Lily?" I received a tap on my shoulder.

Oh woe is me. Oh-

"Liiilllleeeee!"

Party Pooper.

"What?" I croaked. Oh my, that was attractive. Sirius looked at me, puzzled.

"I thought you were possessed. You were spouting a soliloquy like Billy Shakespeare. It sounded quite mad too."

I paled. "I said that aloud?"

He nodded cheekily. "Tell me, do you always think like that?"

I boxed him on the arm, which again did nothing. Then I cracked like an egg and began giggling because I'm just mad.

Eggscellent. Why am I such a girl?

We entered the castle without any event. Sirius had forced me to hide my hair beneath a 'habit' he made from his cloak. He said my hair would stick out. I don't know what he's talking about. He tried to make me change to Lee, but I suggested that I would stick out worse if I had misshapen clothing that was made for a girl.

We used a Marauder passageway to bypass any stragglers still in the corridors. Once we were safely in front of the Fat Lady, I removed my habit. I made sure to flick my hair precociously at Sirius, the codfish that made me hide it under his cloak.

"Don't you love adventure?" Sirius teased.

Har de har har.

He playfully plucked the sleeve of my jumper. The poor shred of material was mutilated from Lee's biceps, and caked with mud from the lake shore. My hair was damp, uncombed, and hung about my armpits. My skirt….we're not going to even go there. I lost my shoes in the lake. (What do you expect?Heels don't fit onboy feet!)

Sirius was in much better shape than I. His tie was completely misplaced. (Probably on the lake shore because I tried to strangle him) His blazer was gone, and his shirt unbuttoned three times. He had some mud smeared on him as well. He had his shoes…and pants! I openly admit that he was a sight to drool over. I would have snogged him right there if he wasn't Sirius Black.

"Cheeky." I muttered. "Get on with it already." I urged and nodded at the portrait.

Sirius grumbled.

I grinned.

Before Sirius could mutter the password, the portrait swung open and in the opening stood…..

James Potter.

Oh my giddy aunt.

* * *

Oh the suspense!

Thank you so much for reading my fanfic! You have so much patience and understanding putting up with my excuses and the workings of my …strange mind. My chapters are dedicated to you, the reader, always.

Recently, I have evaluated Little Lady's progress. In a month or two, the story shall be a year old! Looking at my plans, I realized that I am not where I wanted to be at this time with the story. I am thus making it my top priority to finish it on schedule. It shall be approximately 25 chapters at this point.

I have also made plans to eventually replace my authoress's note with a short intermission scene. The note has no purpose in this story any longer.

I had my wisdom teeth out recently, and I took the time to write this during recovery. I confess, I was on narcotic painkillers; excuse the randomness and probably, the idiocy displayed in this chapter.

Then again, maybe you can't tell the difference!

REVIEW!


	15. Mon Essentiel

Disclaimer: There is only one individual capable of owning Harry Potter, and it is not I. Mon Essentiel is not mine either.

* * *

Where was I? 

Oh yes.

Oh my giddy aunt! James Potter has caught Sirius and I au natural.

Just reread that. We are not that sort of au natural. I just meant I am a girl.

Oh, nevermind. If you want to think of us Adam and Eve style, go for it.

Potter just stared like a stunned mullet. His mouth moved like in fish-like motions, but no sound came out. I elbowed Sirius for a reaction, to no avail. Honestly, they act as if they have never seen each other before.

Boys. Sigh

Sirius was the first to shake out of his apathy. "Jamsie pal! I brought you a present." He exclaimed and, for indication I was the present, slapped me on the back until I coughed.

PRESENT? I suddenly imagined myself with a big red bow on my head, popping out of a box with confetti. For some reason, I giggled like a fool as I imagined James receiving me. Sacre Bleu. I must have a fever.

"Blimey." James managed.

"I found her down at Hogsmeade in the rain all by herself upon my return. I rescued her." Sirius bullshitted.

"Blimey." Remus exclaimed at the sight of me as he popped up behind James in the entrance.

"She is quite in need of some tender loving care, so who better to pamper her than the Marauders." Sirius pushed.

"Blimey." Peter finished when he popped up at Remus's side.

What is this, a bloody parrot's convention? Since when do the Marauder go popping about like daisies?

I suddenly imagined the Marauders in green tights with daisy wreathes encircling their faces.

I must have caught pneumonia on that lake, because I am most definitely ill thinking such thoughts.

"What were you doing in Hogsmeade without us!" Peter asked Sirus innocently. How can one normally daft and useless boy ask all the right questions that might start a war between the friends?

James looked positively offended. "You didn't go to Zonko's without us, did you!" He pointed an accusing, blunt index finger at Sirius. If I were thinking of bludgeoning someone, I would not use my finger for it is too blunt. A finger of that nature would be no use against Sirius.

"Prongs, has your brain fallen out? I was at Hogsmeade because I couldn't apparate inside the Hogwarts grounds. I had to apparate to visit Narcissa." Sirius scoffed as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Oh he's good.

James's eyebrows shot into his hairline (not literally, they didn't fly off his face), and he tried to pretend he was never angry. "Well of course I never assumed Padfoot." He ran a hand through his already messy hair.

Oh that hair. I was suddenly overwhelmed with a need to touch it, and I had no pockets to tuck my hands to water-down the desire. Oh, bother. This is so awful! I desire to run my hands through James's hair. I hate it! Since when did his mussed hair become so lovely?

"We'll go down tomorrow. Quality Quidditch Supplies got a new shipment of all-weather broom wax. The kit has a lifetime guarantee!" Sirius replied enthusiastically.

"Brilliant!" James exclaimed.

"Oh, I have been waiting for that for a month!" Remus added in.

"How did they ever run out?" Peter squeaked.

"A new tail-twig replacement kit just came out too. It's part of the Ireland National equipment series. It is supposed smoke the colors of the Irish flag when the broom needs servicing." Sirus added.

"A must have!" James added.

"I bet Hogsmeade will be swamped with students this weekend looking for that. It will be best to sneak out tomorrow and skip breakfast." Remus said thoughtfully. He cupped his chin in his hand as if to make his pondering look official.

"We cannot skip breakfast! That is against the law!" Sirius argued.

"Sirius, you won't starve by missing one meal. Think how many meals I have missed and I'm still alive." Remus countered.

"Meanie. This is cruel and unusual punishment." Sirius declared.

They continued to bicker like married couples.

How did I ever live with them for so long without throwing myself out a window? That is what I'm about to do.

What? Don't look at me like that!

Everyone knows I never actually follow thru with my suicidal tendencies. Embarasslutzdom usually beats me to it!

I cleared my throat gently in attempt to get their attention.

It was a reenactment of the atomic bomb on Hiroshima.

Insert cricket chirping.

"Oh, sorry love. We forgot about you." Sirius cheekily tousled my hair with his palm.

What a charmer. Every girl wants to be told they were forgotten about.

"Are you hungry?" James asked me softly.

"No." My pride answered. I am not about to allow James Potter feed me. I am not helpless.

I can even brush my own teeth, thank you!

But whatever my pride said, my stomach overruled when it gurgled obnoxiously.

Sod!

"That's a yes." James grinned. He turned to the others. "I will take her down to the kitchens. Don't wait up for me." He winked.

Uh oh. I am about to be taken to the kitchens, alone, with Potter.

Except I did announce that I would marry him today.

I think I have contradicted myself.

Shut up, brain.

"I would much rather get a shower and clean clothes." I said desperately. The boys looked confused.

What girl is desperate to get away from the Marauders, some of the most abso-bloody-lutely gorgeous men on earth? Lily Evans, that's who. Girls would kill for this position.

James finally noticed my state. His eyes looked me up and down, and I folded my arms in front of my chest defensively. Everyone knows what teenage boys fancy at that age, and I was not going to treat Potter to Lily Evans in soggy, wet clothes.

"I suspect a shower might be primary when you look like that." James said.

Gasp! He just called me ugly!

Potter seemed to realize his mistake when my features visually became cross.

"Um….I mean…uhh…well…." He babbled.

Spit it out or I will jump down your throat and pull it out!

"What I meant was….wet clothes can't be comfortable. Your beauty is untouched. Come. You can shower upstairs. We will transfigure you clothes." James added slyly.

You are not fooling me. I am no fool, you …fooling…berk.

"Appropriate clothes." I added. Boys' minds are gross.

James sighed heavily, defeated. "Appropriate clothes." he confirmed. He motioned for me to follow him to the dormitory.

Can I just take this time to say that the next thing that happened as I followed James was just a terrible sick joke played on me by the universe? Most people just die normal, ordinary deaths, by my death occurs by two mortifying nouns:

Death by embarrassment, and klutzdom.

If you put them together you get _embarraslutzdom._

I shudder.

In one day, I have been to a cutthroat cat-fight school, announced a fake engagement to a bloke who thinks I am a boy, fought with my mother, fought with purebloods, was rescued/kidnapped by a pureblood that is really a 'good guy', turned back into a girl for him, went swimming on the lake, was discovered by the astonishingly dim but very nice gamekeeper, and now this happens.

This has got to be the best day _ever._ I'm having the clumsiest, stupidest day in Hogwarts history.

What happened that is so indescribably embarrassing?

I followed Potter towards the dormitory staircase. I wasn't worried about using a boy's shower…I had lived with them long enough to know natural tornadoes occur frequently within their living quarters. Things were actually going smoothly, until I passed that hideous, lion statue. It had claws. Claws that snagged my limp, wet skirt when I passed by it.

I didn't notice anything until I heard a distinctive _riiiiippp_ and I was suddenly unable to walk properly because my skirt was about my ankles.

Potter did not notice until I stopped following him, then he turned around in curiosity as to why my feet had stopped faithfully pitter-pattering behind him.

Why must I endure such appalling moments in public, while everyone else has the good grace to royally screw up in private?

Perhaps it is better not to know, because there cannot possibly be a positive answer in my interests.

James's eyes went wide. I blushed forty-two shades of red and snatched a pillow from the couch and held it in front of me.

When I heard snickering from the door, I saw the other three, in vain, holding back laughter. I snatched another pillow off the couch and held it behind me. If I had another arm, like Nataraja, I would have thrown pillows at each of them.

Even better, something much better: I would have thrown Potter at them.

I have learned a very valuable lesson today. It is physically impossible in all forces of the universe for me not to publicly embarrass myself.

Sucks to be me.

At least they weren't saying anything.

But of course, anyone who doesn't have completely embarrassing moments like me feels no compassion for those who are victims of their own actions.

In translation, Sirius decided to speak through his laughter:

"Your knickers have pink pygmy puffs on them."

* * *

James and I sat in front of a roaring brick oven fire with our little pow-wow of house elves waiting to serve us in the kitchen. 

I was quite comfortable, might I add. James cleared out the boys' showers of their usual inhabitants so I could use them, and stood guard at the door. He shrunk a t-shirt to fit me snugly, but I had to put up with his extra-long sweats. I only tripped over them seven times, once knocking over a 2nd year.

On top of that, I had Turkish Delights. Welcome to the Dark Side; we have good food.

"Can I ask why you were wondering Hogsmeade sopping wet?" James asked, then stuffed a pumpkin pasty in his mouth.

No you may not. How would I explain I ran away from home because I told my mother I was marrying you?

"I ran away from home." I blurted, without thinking.

Egads! Why does my brain turn to mush and my mouth catch verbal diarrhea every time I am with Potter?

"You don't say. Why?" He asked.

"Because my mother believes in…promising her daughters. You know, engagements, betrothals…etcetera." I stuffed a pastry in my mouth smartly before I could say anymore.

That makes the statement:

Complete nut case.

"Oh dear," he looked completely defeated. "you are already taken then."

"No. I am not. That's why I ran. I told her I would have someone else. She did not like my choice."

My traitor of a mouth!

Why did I tell James this? To this day, I'm not sure, but once I started I couldn't stop.

"Who?"

"The only person suitable that came to mind."

"Which is?"

Nosey bugger.

"I…erm…"

"Yes?"

"sort of gave her"

"Go on."

"….your name."

I hadn't planned to tell him this, and therefore couldn't plan a reaction accordingly. He hadn't planned to hear his name either.

Insert awkward silence.

I turned away from him to hide the extreme blush in my face. I've always known that I was as far gone from the brink of sanity as possible without being committed to an asylum. However, this earns me a one-way ticket to St. Mungo's.

A stampede of rampaging hippogriffs may run me over now. They would be most merciful to do so.

I stole a peek at him. He was beaming. "Very well, I accept. However, the exchange of wedding vows will be difficult if I don't know your name."

"I didn't ask you to marry me! I am not marrying you! I am not even going to tell you my name!" I guffawed.

"Love, I am James Potter. I will get it from you." He grinned smartly.

Humble much?

He won't _manipulate_ it out of me.

Ugh!

I loathe him.

I would have liked to eat my last Turkish delight, but instead I threw it at Potter's head to express my anger. When food is lost over a boy, things have gotten bad and vair vair sacre bleu.

I thought he was being nice, then he gets a bloody personality transplant.

Whatever.

I stomped out of the kitchen indignantly, purposefully ignoring his protests.

I'll just escape somewhere he cannot go. Which road to take?

Anywhere Gryffindor is out.

Slytherin, hell no.

I don't know the passwords to Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw because we've never terrorized them.

They know too many secret passages.

AAAAGGGHHHHHH! I'm thinking of a word that starts with an 'F' and it is not fiddlesticks!

I cannot escape him!

Forces of the universe turn me into an ear wig and get on with murdering me.

I stampeded to the entrance, and outside onto the grand staircase that we had all been herded across at the beginning of the year.

The stone was utterly cold under my bare feet, and the almost-November air was sehr freeze-your-knickers-off.

All in all, I think I did well. I held my head high in that whole fiasco in the kitchens. I made my point with the Turkish delight, and then got on with things. I didn't make any nasty comments about his insensitivity to my feelings. I have only retreated out here to lick my proverbial wounds.

But that can't be true because I most certainly do not care about what Potter thinks. I don't think he has the guts to actually hold us to our engagement.

Especially if he can't find me. He can scoooooour the Earth, but he will not be able to find meeee because he won't look for me in Leeeee.

Why I said that in a sing-song voice is beyond me.

I trotted down the stairs backwards so I could mockingly wave goodbye to the school. Lily has had her share of adventure at Hogwarts-a-go-go for a bit. It is all up to Lee.

Ah ha ha ha! So long wankearauders! You can't catch me.

As I waved, I tripped over the extra-long pants, we are going to pretend I am not clumsy enough to trip over my own feet, and fell the last three stairs to the flat of my back.

Oh Bugger!

The twinkle-toes fairy strikes again!

The fairy has granted me an audience, who most likely saw the entire escapade.

"You are as klutzy as Lee." Potter speculated as he descended the stairs to me. "Luckily for you, I am an expert in handling these situations because of him."

Oh it's over. I will just stick to wallowing about my life in shambles. Potter's discovered me.

"Thank Merlin you're not him though. I would much rather be catching you as you fall." He grinned, and lifted me, with absolutely no effort, from the ground.

I just nodded dumbly, mouth agape.

Oh dear. In the name of sweet noodles, someone shoot me.

Instead of carrying me inside the castle, he walked further onto the grounds.

Go figure. I thought he didn't want me to leave.

I shifted a bit, and gave him a weird look, which he countered with a toothy smile.

He has gone barmy. Or he is determined to drive my absolute barmy but he does not know I am already barmy and I believe someone should tell him his efforts are in vain, because you cannot make the insane…more insane.

Can you?

Somewhere not far from the forest, he set me down. "Watch." He commanded, and began peering around the ground for something.

I idly noticed the crescent moon, a soft rainbow outline curved with its edges. Solar spots, also called aurora borealis, occurring around the moon. It caused the stars to sparkle oddly.

Ooh preeeettttyyyy.

James nudged me with his arm. He had found what he was looking for – a rock. A stupid rock. The Earth is full of rocks! The castle is made of them! Yet he drug me out here for a rock!

He placed his index fingers over his lips to shush any outburst I might make.

Tosser.

Gently, Potter tossed the rock into some foliage. Immediately, thousands of fairy lights ignited, burst from the shrubbery, swirled around us, and then planted themselves in the trees, blinking merrily.

Against that gorgeous sky, no wand, or anything known to man could have reproduced the magic of these lights. It was as if each little light sparkled with a promise for every individual on Earth. I half wondered which light was mine? And James's light?

For the love of God, I am such a romantic it is disturbing. Staring at the world through my metaphorical rose coloured glasses has shishkabobed my brain.

Damn romance.

James turned me towards him. "Shall we dance?" He held out a large, strong hand.

The little imps working my brain pulled the wrong levers, and put my hand in his. "But there is no music." I pointed out.

"Yes there is." His hand snaked around my waist, and pulled me to the appropriate spot for dancing –against him.

"I don't hear any." I argued.

Okay, so I gave in, but I had to do my pride justice and act stubborn to the very end.

Strangely, the music came. Not from a phonograph, an orchestra, or a music box, but from the depths of his Adam's apple; his voice! Who knew the lad could sing!

Silly Lily. (Pretend that rhyme never happened) He is James Potter; he does everything. I'm sure he could make a record, even go Platinum if he wanted to.

"Je fais de toi mon essential. Tu me fais naître parmi les hommes." His husky voice purred as he nestled his face in my hair. His warm breath tickled a lazy grin right onto my lips.

French? He knows French! Oh, Fabio! He probably has heard of Beauxbatons. I don't care.

"Je fais de toi mon essential. Celle que j'aimerais plus que personne. Si tu veux qu'on s'apprenne."

I rested my head on his broad shoulder. As he continued singing, I noticed some fairy lights had fallen from the tree, and the light-bringers had taken to swirling around our swaying bodies that might as well have been one.

* * *

Sometime during the night, I became conscious of my surroundings. I slept upon a lumpy, firm pillow that was mercifully warm. I was snuggled against this pillow, with some blanket wrapped around me and something unknown holding me in place. 

My eyes fluttered open and dreary green eyes fell upon Potter's sleeping face.

Too tired to mind.

Yawn. Sleeping next to –yawn- Potter.

My eyes drifted shut.

Under a tree.

That's normal...zzzzzzzzzzz.

* * *

HIYA! 

Sorry for postponing this update a few days more. I admit I was lost in this chapter, but I have got my heading.

I would like to thank all my lovely reviews and to say that I just love reading feedback from you!

The French song in this chappie is by Emmanuel Moire. It's title: Mon Essentiel. He's something of a Enrique/Julio Iglesias, Paolo Meneguzzi, Jay Chou, Gackt type artist. There is one for every country. I'm not a fan of sappy love songs but I couldn't resist this one. I'm sure some will be revolted by it, but Mon Essentiel deserves mention for its influence in this story.

Mind you, I don't speak French, but I've gone through the trouble of using a French dictionary, and asking friends to conjugate verbs to bring a rough idea of the lyrics. I implied interpretation of my own, but take it as you will.

**Je fais de toi mon essentiel**

**Tu me fais naître parmi les hommes**

**Je fais de toi mon essentiel**

**Celle que j'aimerais plus que personne**

**Si tu veux qu'on s'apprenne**

I make you my essence

You give life to me among man (referring to the race, not one man)

I make you my essence

I want that more than anybody

If you want that, one learns oneself

Sexiest lyrics of all time. (but better in French)

I invite you all to leave your input – nay, I insist! I do so love reviews. Correct my French if you can! I love languages, butmy French needs so much work, it's abysmal.


	16. Le Donne Lo Sanno

**Disclaimer:** If I owned Harry Potter, I'd be bloody rich. At this point, I'm lucky I can afford paper and pencil to write this! That speaks for me! The Lady of Shalot is © Alfred Lord Tennyson, and sung by Loreena McKennit in a marvellous celtic song: "The Mummer's Dance"

"Le Donne Lo Sanno" was coined by Italian music group Ligabue. It literally means "The women know it"

Thanks to** L'amoureuse** forcorrections ininterpretation of _Mon Essentiel_!

"I make of you my essential,  
you make me live among the men,  
i make of you my essential,  
that which i will love more than anyone,  
if you want for us to learn."

**

* * *

**

This is not normal.

Anyone whoever wanted to be a fairytale princess should rethink their fantasies, because it is not a pretty thing. Sprinting across the fields Cinderella style to avoid a public discovery of your true identity is not fun.

Take that, Cinderella! Someday my prince will come, indeed. Why is it we girls of the Cinderella complex run away from the most charming boy we have ever met.

Does that make any sense!

Hang on, Snow White is the girl that someday, waits around for her prince in a log cabin, not Cindy. I could think of a million better things to be doing than waiting for ol' princey-wincey in a log cabin with seven very tiny men while an evil being plots my demise.

That is why Quidditch was invented; to prevent us from being Snow Whites.

Anyhoo, I have spent the night under a tree in the arms of Potter. How is this bad? I woke up long past 9AM. Classes have already started, and I will be amazed if some half-wit third year Care of Magical Creatures Class did not spot us.

Clothes were on too, mind you, dirties.

Yet, I was warm and snuggly. He was so charming, and dishy, and oh, I don't know.

Silly girl! Don't dream. It is over. Next time I see him, I will be a boy. I cannot exactly jump and snog him like I feel like doing. That would just be…

Lord! I'm going to stop thinking these thoughts.

I made it back to Hogsmeade unscathed, then changed, and casually strolled back to school like nothing had happened. I had missed History of Magic during my snooze.

Let us have a moment of silence for this loss.

….

All done.

This brings us to Defense Against the Dark Arts. I scuttled in unnoticed, and sat in the back as if I had been in classes all morning. The period had not started, and clumps of students gathered in their social normals, spotted around the room like lurkers. Speaking of lurkers, where were a few greasy Slytherins crowded around a desk two rows over. They were whispering and giggling, occasionally throwing glances at me and sneering.

And they say girls have cliques.

Where are the rest of the boys? In the hall, doing stunts and generally showing off in a very unattractive way. I suppose these movements are considered a mating dance in ways they imagine to be very appealing to girls.

Idiots. Next thing they'll try dangling themselves from the rafters making farting noises with their armpits, and it will be a grand mating call.

Lovely. I don't want to think what that would be like.

Class was due to begin in a few minutes. I waited for Remus to sit with me as he did every day because neither of us fancied James and Sirius copying our work.

I heard a body plop into the chair next to me. "'Ello Remus." I greeted without looking up.

"Remus is sitting with James, _mate_." An overly confident voice chuckled. "Good morning, Li-_Lee_." He whispered in my ear.

I looked at 'Remus' next to me.

But Remus was not Remus. Remus was Sirius. I nervously shifted away from his warm breath on my ear, and stuck my tongue out.

On cue, I glanced at the door as James entered the room; he was looking at the two of us very oddly, and perhaps scathingly for his best friend's betrayal of sitting next to me for once class. I shrugged at him. Honestly, he can have Sirius back.

I will not mention how appealing Potter looks even when he appears to just have rolled out of bed. He sat down a few desks away.

"Remus usually sits with me. I would not want to upset the balance by having you in my presence." I guffawed at Sirius.

"Remus can sit with James." Sirius shrugged me off. "Besides, it is only acceptable and natural for ladies to have the opportunity to bask in the presence of Sirius Black." He winked. "You are a little lady, aren't you, Lily?" He muttered, coherently seductive.

I inched away from Dough Boy's brother until I fell off my chair.

I glared at him from a position of dignity, on the floor. He laughed. "Relax. Just tell anyone who asks that I was telling you about Quidditch captain elections tonight, and that we naturally will nominate James." He jovially held out his hand, which I took, and pulled me back to my chair.

"Why does James automatically get nominated?" I asked.

"Sweetheart, he is Hogwarts' Golden Boy. It is an unwritten rule." Sirius explained as he propped his head with his palm, lazily.

"That hardly seem fair."

We paused temporarily to acknowledge Professor Littlefield's very tiny, but very dramatic entrance. He was built with all the muscle of a Quidditch lad, but stood not taller than one and a half meters. His ego is so huge there is not much room left for anything else. Not to mention everyone knows he is desperate to be considered one of the lads, so he never punishes for 'disrupting' the class. I think he has even formed a body building club with some students, where they do other stupid manly activities, like spitting.

Who can hock a lugie the farthest?

I have always wanted to be the champion of hocking lugies because lugies are the most respectable form of bodily fluid in the world! The rabid gurgle one makes to gather ammunition is too attractive as well. Not.

In any case, because of the Professor we had to continue our conversation in hushed voices.

Sirius laughed softly. "You are truly not of our world, Lily."

"You are right. I am from Mars."

"You are! I have never met a live Martian before!"

"No, dimwit. I am from Earth."

"Hey! Me too!"

"Great. We have one too many things in common already."

"I take offense to that."

"I don't think it has damaged your ego too much. You have declared yourself a member of the famed Black family. I am sure there is plenty ego to go around, especially with the Dough Boy." I argued.

"The Who?"

Sirius shot me a confused look.

"No, not The Who."

"I am confused."

I threw my hands into the air in surrender. We lapsed into silence for a moment until Sirius broke it, like always.

"Lily, why are you here exactly?"

"I ran away from birthright and societal expectations of which I did not want to fulfill."

He chuckled.

"You can't escape society. Men aren't that different from women. It is both of our psychological complexes that mould the way we are expected to act. That is why we are forced to nominate James for everything – because we are supposed to. You see, we have guidelines here too. Running from one extreme to the other won't cure your disappointment." The constellation's namesake explained.

"I can't believe you would conform to that! The Sirius Black I know rebels against everything!"

"My family is considered nobility. I have no escape. Although, I am glad you didn't conform, Lily. In any case, we would select James regardless because, ah, you can't argue with the seniority of James among men. I bet you got a glimpse of his manliness last night."

OH MERLIN!

I fell off my chair, again, and crawled under the desk like a kicked puppy.

"Is something the matter, Mister Vanes?" Professor Littlefield inquired.

Yes. Yes! YES! A million times yes! I have terrible images running through my head. GET THEM OUT!

"Of course not Professor." I muttered calmly. "I only seem to have had a clumsy moment."

"Apparently." Littlefield observed and turned back to his blackboard.

I clambered back into my seat. A moment of silence passed before I slowly expressed my owldom when my head pivoted toward Sirius.

His face was abnormally close to mine. If there is a book called 'tips for invading personal space', Sirius has read it.

"I have just one other question" Sirius asked proudly, still smug over the discomfort he has caused me.

"Haven't you said enough?" I hissed in Lily's voice.

"No."

"Then what is it?"

"When you transform, do you get man parts?"

I massaged either side of the bridge of my nose. Someone get me an aspirin!

* * *

Well, arithmancy was an err…interesting class. 

Can you say road kill?

Smashing.

What does road kill have to do with me? Well, right now I resemble it, metaphorically of course. My guts are still in tact thank you.

Remus and I are the only two Marauders stup- I mean smart enough to take Arithmancy. Upon our trudging to the classroom, Remus the Bludger said an interesting thing.

"Who are you?" He asked quietly.

I must have appeared shocked, because his pretty blue eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"Silly Remus. You know who I am!" I said, overly cheerful incase he would buy into my charade.

"Everyone lies." He said solemnly. His stride seemed to lengthen as if he were trying to loose me and then leave me in his dusty shame. However, I am Lily Evans, and I don't give up.

"What makes you think I am not who I say I am?" I pressed my luck and matched his stride. God bless long legs.

"Sirius called you Lily." He replied simply.

How on Earth did he hear that? Unless he had some inhuman hearing capabilities, Sirius and I were not possibly close enough for him to overhear. He'd have to be very keen and good with intuition as well….something that boys aren't good at, or there would be less divorce.

Hmmm….Remus, are you human?

Probably not. He is a boy after all.

Unless….

"_Are you training for werewolfdom too?" I asked before sipping some milk._

"_I…uh…" he chuckled. "yeah."_

Oh my giddy aunt!

I snapped out of my trance, and shoved Remus into the nearest empty classroom.

"Werewolf!" I grunted and pointed at him. He gave me the weirdest look, granted I sounded like a caveman who had taken some helium, as my voice was three octaves too high.

"What about them?" Remus asked with a cocked eyebrow.

"You are one."

Remus shot me a 'no, really!' look. "And if I was, shouldn't you be more afraid?" He said with a toothy, yet sinister grin.

I matched his piercing stare.

"You have never hurt me before. Should I be afraid of you when I know you're a good person, You've got a monstrous side, yet you love more than you hurt. It is not in werewolves to love, so I won't consider you one of them." I said.

His blue eyes widened, and looked a bit teary.

Bollocks! The last thing I need is a weeping bloke.

But that's the truth for you.

His head bowed. "Thanks." He muttered to his feet. "You won't tell, will you?"

Sod! Now he doesn't trust me. If I were a decent person, I would even the score.

Too bad I am not a decent person. I'm a cynical wanker.

Well, most of the time I am not a decent person. Remember the time I hexed Black in the Great Hall. A nice person wouldn't have done that!

Well, an aggravated nice person might have done so.

Or the time that…oh that doesn't count!

Ugh!

I've done more right than wrong!

"How about a fair trade?" I surrendered.

"What of?"

"I'll tell you to rearrange the name Lee Vanes until it spells Lily Evans. Lee isn't permanent, he changes in twelves. Just think about what lies in a spell."

Phwoar! A rhyming riddle!

Then I pranced out of the classroom, nose high and girly walk with utter glaciosity, until my feet tangled themselves and I found myself stumbling for England until I landed smack in Flitwick's (who owned the classroom) Dracula plant.

Oh deary me.

* * *

The Marauders and I pranced to the Quidditch pitch tents across the dusky horizon, brooms in hand, for captain elections. You could assume we were marching to our doom; however, James and Sirius were discussing pranks, Remus had his nose buried in a book, Peter was feeding his pet turtle, and I was nursing the Dracula's fang bites upon my nose. We really didn't notice doom was knocking on our doorstep at this point. 

Who does?

Once we reached the tent, Peter took a seat on a side bench, and the team gathered in a circle.

"Since it took you so bloody long to get here, we've decided in your absence that all first string players are up for captain." Malfoy declared as he and the other slytherins stepped forward. The Marauders and Slytherins lined up across from each other as if a line had been drawn between them.

"Well of course you say that, because you have better odds. If we're not nominating, all should be up for captain." Remus challenged.

"Why should a reserve get captain? Reserves aren't of the skill firsts are." Alistair said.

"It is just like you to be prejudiced, Kovinsky." Potter spat.

"You cannot deny the truth!" Malfoy countered.

"I'll show you truth in my hexes." Potter drew his wand, as did Remus, and the Slytherins.

I simply stood to the side and on neither line, my head swiveling between the two sides, dumbfounded. Honestly, why are people so stubborn! This isn't going to solve anything!

"Erm….guys?" I squeaked.

They ignored me…so I tugged on Potter's sleeve.

"James?" I piped.

No response.

"James?" I asked a bit louder.

Nothing.

"James…?"

……

"For the love of Merlin, Potter answer me!"

"Did you say something Lee?"

Do not roll eyes.

Do not roll eyes.

Do not roll eyes.

"Why don't we go get Dumbledore to settle this?"

"We can handle this!" Potter turned back to the other fight which was in full bloom. Insults were flying, and even Peter had gotten to his feet, his pet turtle forgotten.

"We can't learn to fight like this! We'll never win a match!" I pleaded with words falling on deaf ears.

Boys. If you want something done right, get the woman to do it!

I was about to leave the tent to get help, when sparks and hexes were traded.

I heard mild curses and **Expelliarmuses** from the Marauders, but then there was the moment amidst the yelling, when all became silent and I could only hear a single phrase.

And everything went wrong. Everything that had happened to me and Hogwarts and Beauxbatons in the past two months died.

"Avada…."

I began charging back towards the group, everything moving in slow motion and I willed every ounce of muscle I had to reach them in time. I stumbled a bit, but that didn't stop me. Any empty thought I had vanished, and I could say that this was the moment I grew up. When you're looking cold death in the eye, there is only life on your mind, and the need to gulp the air as if it were laced with the nectar of life.

"….Kedavra"

I don't know who fired that spell. There wasn't time to look, but I threw my body between the two sides all the same. I collided with bodies; whose they were I was not aware.

How could anyone hate enough to kill?

Then, there was a flash of green light.

* * *

_On either side of the river lie _

Long fields of barley and of rye,

That clothe the world and meet the sky;

And thro' the field the road run by;

_Up and down the people go, _

Gazing where the lilies blow

_Lancelot mused a little space _

He said, "She has a lovely face;

God in his mercy lend her grace;

* * *

This chapter took long to write because I wanted the ending to be done well. It was mostly to set up events for future chapters. But you didn't expect that, now did you! I'd love to read your guesses as to who was shishkabobed. Remember, this is AU, so anyone could be on the chopping block. If you'd like to guess, include that in your review! 

On that note, I'd like to thank all my lovely reviewers for your encouragement! Keep reviewing, because I'll always write as long as I know my story is read and enjoyed. Cause and effect, loves, cause and effect.

I've got several Marauder Era fics in the works to follow Little Lady subsequently. All will be written utilizing different styles and different mediums. Don't underestimate them yet:) Here's a small preview:

**The Minstrel's Prayer**

If a boy wrote a song about a flower, how would it sound? A 1942 World War II themed parody of Romeo and Juliet with Lily and James.

**Rating**: K+

**Approximate number of chapters**: 15

**Genre:** Romance/Angst

* * *

**Sin City**

Breaking the law has never been so electrifying until Auror James Potter is hunting you down. Then it's irresistible. A story of love and redemption of a criminal and an Auror.

**Rating**: T

**Approximate number of chapters**: 16 - 20

**Genre:** action/adventure

**Notes**: Possibly co-written with phoenixNS

* * *

And one odd ball fic, simply because I have never seen a believable non-canon of this pairing, and I'm determined to write one even though it will never, ever happen. 

**Kirschwasser**

A love potion gone wrong. Two people at war. Your worst enemy never looked so good. A retelling of Tristan and Isolde with a twist. Draco/Hermione

**Rating**: T, perhaps a pending M

**Approximate number of chapters: **15 – 20

**Genre**: Romance

**Notes**: This retelling will be based off of the original tale of Tristan and Isolde…where the two have no feelings for each other until they are accidentally given a love potion. I think we're all aware Draco and Hermione would never get along on their own.

Feel free to comment on these fics in a review or at prolixsoliloquy(at)yahoo . com. (remove spaces) Just let me know you're from this site okay?


	17. Pride and Prejudice

Disclaimer: I receive nothing from nothing.

**&&&&**

Ooer…it's dark.

Ugh. I just remembered what happened.

I am dead.

Darn.

And I can't do anything the help those I left back on Earth.

Wait….what is that smell?

It smells like….

AIR!

It tastes like air too.

Whooo! They haven't dumped my in the ground yet!

Hang on….if I'm not buried yet….and I feel no white sheet……and I can feel and breathe air………

**I AM ALIVE! I'MALIVEI'MALIVEI'MALIVE!**

I wanted to celebrate, but something had me pinned to the ground.

On top of that, I can't feel my legs!

I tried to take a deep breath of the cold air, but a heavy weight upon my chest stifled the elixir of life and I sputtered and coughed. I settled for sniffling in tidbits of air through my nose.

My eyes felt as if they had been replaced with cotton balls. I slowly cranked them open, and saw nothing but a blissful starry sky.

Wasn't I in a tent? Tents don't sprout legs and run off. That would make for some very unhappy campers.

I craned my neck and looked around. The spell had blown the tent to shreds, and the support beams must have fallen on top of us, including the one that is sprawled across my chest.

The body of Lucius Malfoy had fallen across my legs.

Erlack.

I have a dead person on top of me.

I quickly took an inventory of six bodies I could see from my spot, flat on the ground….Marauder, Ravenclaw and Slytherin alike.

Oh God.

I grunted and struggled to lift the beam off my chest but it was too heavy with not enough leverage from my pinned arms.

My womanly arms……

I glanced at a wisp of red hair on my shoulder.

Either my twelve hour spell is used up, or the spell was blasted right out of me.

How did I survive?

Why hasn't anyone gotten help yet?

Is that because I am the only one left?

I felt hot tears on my cheeks.

I groped my sides for a wand. There isn't one. I left my compact in the dorm.

So I did what any sensible person does in this situation:

"HEEEEELLLLLPPPPPPPP!"

Insert panic.

I must have screamed for hours. My throat burned and arched. My eyes felt burned and tired, and my cheeks felt stiff and wet. Instead of breathing, I could only sputter air in and out under the weight of the beam.

Someone will find us in the morning. Someone has to!

I just hope I can wait that long. To occupy my attentions until then, (and to keep from crying) I fascinated myself with a very small, furry ball moving through the grass.

Hammie! Oh good Hammie!

"Hammie! Go get help!" I commanded.

Let us pretend that I am not asking a hamster to bring the cavalry.

Hammie's nose wiggled, and then he was no longer Hammie.

Seventh year, greasy recluse Slytherin Severus Snape stood over me, with menacing, shiny black eyes. James and Sirius never especially liked Snape.

"A girl. At Hogwarts. I did not know brothels were still…." His eyes fell upon the school emblem on my robe. "Oh my…. Now this is something! A boy…who is really a girl….at Hogwarts." His eyes bore into my green ones. "What price will you pay for my silence, Lee Vanes?"

You sick son of a…..

I will deal with you personally later.

"Severus! You have to get help! I don't know who did it…but…Slytherin…Marauders" the wooden beam was becoming heavier as I saw Snape's eyes glisten cruelly. "There was green light, and I woke up here. They might be dead."

"Good riddance." He sneered.

"How can you be so evil! You are nothing but a slimey toe-rag. You have been born one, and you will die one unless you can prove you are not one! Please…HELP!"

He said nothing, but began pacing cockily through the disaster. A glimmer of hope sparkled in my chest, until he began reciting names.

"Lupin. Pettigrew. Longbottom. Black. Malfoy. Kovinsky. Nott. Diggory. Chang."

I didn't realize Diggory and the Changs were in the tent.

"_Potter._" He stood over the last body, and turned it over with his foot, as if it were nothing more than a rag doll. He kicked it.

"Don't you touch him!" I scolded.

"Imagine, Severus Snape delivers the body of the last living Potter heir to the Dark Lord. Imagine all the rewards I will get." Snape fantasized as he stood over the limp body of Potter.

"You will not take him anywhere." I corrected.

You probably are thinking what the hell is this girl going on about? Stubborn to the last drop.

"Are you going to stop me? Are you his little girlfriend?" Snape now stood over me.

Ignoring that last statement.

I gulped. "Please, help me out from under here and help me get the bodies to the school. I will do anything." I closed my eyes and waited for the impact of his answer.

"Anything?"

I took one last look at the massacre, and shut my eyes tight. "Yes."

"You are gifted in charms Vanes, no?"

"So I am told."

"I have decided on payment then."

"Your price?"

Long, bony fingers grasped his sleeve and lifted it. In plain sight was the Dark Mark.

I think I am going to die anyway.

**&&&&**

I re-awoke in a hospital bed.

I can feel my legs! Score!

White curtains were pulled around my bed, and I had been clothed in a very attractive hospital gown.

I was still a girl too. I could only imagine how attractive I looked, pale faced, nearly frostbitten, and probably bruised to infinity and beyond.

The curtains waved, and I saw a greasy nose peek between the curtains.

Impatient bugger Snape.

"This needs to be done as soon as possible. Hurry." He demanded.

If he gets any friendlier, I cannot be responsible for my actions.

"What if I were dying?"

"Don't be stupid. You are the healthiest out of them all."

"Of course a living person is healthier than a dead person!" I short spitefully.

"You will join the dead people if you don't hurry up! I do not have much time!" Snape clapped his hands for emphasis.

"Can't I mourn for them?"

"No!"

I snatched my wand, and muttered my changing spell. I was mortally embarrassed when I outgrew the smaller gown, and my bum-oley decided to hang out the back of my hospital gown.

Turn me into a cockroach now, before I decide to strangle myself with my pants and gain a fast pass into the next life.

Bugger, bollocks and sod!

"That is terrible." Snape speculated when he saw my flaunting back end.

"I will poke your eyes out if you don't stop staring." I snapped, and slipped into my pants lying on a nearby chair.

As we exited the hospital wing, I couldn't help but ask:

"Why are we doing this?" We walked in step; I couldn't help but wonder if it'd be possible for our brains to coordinate as well.

"I am tired of serving Voldemort."

"Can't you just tell him that?"

"Once you begin serving the Dark Lord, you cannot stop. I would be killed almost immediately, only after torture."

Barmy, that one is.

"Why did you join him if he does such terrible things?"

"I wanted to be feared…and popular."

I do not mean to be rude but,

WHAT?

The world is a loony bin.

"Well, that is a terrible way to gain attention."

"Shut up missy. Perform the charm, and then get out of my life."

"That will be hard to do considering I will be your secret-keeper!"

He turned sharply and seized me by the shoulders. "That won't be the worst thing, now would it? We stay away from each other; we don't speak of what happened. Your little friends have all been saved and the Dark Lord can't find me and kill me because you will not disclose my location to him…unless you die. It's a good trade."

"Except my friends are already dead!" I countered and sulked.

"Naïve girl. You think any seventh year could conjure a true killing curse? I think not. They're not ready."

"My friends aren't dead?"

My confused, and generally empty stare could give Potter a run for his money on the barmy levels.

"Unfortunately not."

I don't know what got into me, but at that moment, I hugged Snape.

Shudder.

"Get off of me!" He struggled under my grip. I released him, embarrassed, forgetting I was a boy.

"Why did you pick me as a secret keeper? Why not a teacher?"

"I would have asked another student but none are trustworthy enough, or would trust me. Teachers would send me to Azkaban, or completely distrust me."

"So you took advantage of me?"

"Yes. You are least likely to join the Dark Lord. I figured I could trust you. I watched you as a hamster for so long."

The tosser!

We arrived at an empty class room. "Let's get this Fidelis Charm over with."

I shut the doors behind us.

**&&&&**

**A few days later…**

ALIVE!

They are ALIVE! All of them.

Bruised, befuddled, and bewitched….but alive.

I've been allowed to return to classes unless I pursue strenuous activities. The rest of the lads are coming to in the hospital wing.

I have been grinning like a fool the entire day.

Know why?

After class, I am going to seek them out and strangle them with my bare hands, especially Potter.

He is not allowed to make me worry so much.

One might actually start to think I care about that ridiculous, charming boy.

**&&&&&**

Short, sweet, and to the point. Look for another update soon! Thanks so much for all the reviews, and please keep commenting!


	18. Gigolos Don't Lie

**Disclaimer – I sooooooooooooo don't own Harry Potter. But if JKR wanted to wrap it up and put it under my tree this Christmas I would be most obliged to accept it.**

Sooooooo delayed, blame glitches, work, life, and marching band. Yes, I am a band geek and a proud tenor saxophone. But alas, I did not give up on this story and I am touched by those who kept nagging me to update. It really helped give me an extra push, believe me.

Nice and long and full of my apologies.

* * *

**Hospital Wing**

I burst into the room, ready to strangle via snuggle. "I'm so gl-" the words died in my throat. "Merlin!" They didn't look as they should.

All ten of them might as well have jumped from a plane without parachutes. On top of that, a stampede of hippogriffs happened to be running by as they hit the ground.

In short, they looked terrible – pale, giant bruises, stressfully swollen red eyes, and about half had at least one shiner. The broken bones must have been healed.

Draught of the living dead, anyone?

All were sleeping except for Sirius who stared sullenly at the wall, and Hiiro Chang who spooned a sloppy mush dinner to his mouth.

With a nod to Hiiro, I approached Sirius and waved my hand in front of his blank face. He grinned slightly when he saw me.

"You got off easy." He chuckled as he did a once-over of my slightly bruised physique.

Thinking of Snape, I replied "Yeah right." bitterly.

"You're still better looking than I."

"I don't think that's possible."

"Who did this to me? I'd like to throttle him for doing this to my movie star looks." Sirius indicated to his lovely shiner.

"Dun'no yet. Dumbledore has confiscated the wands and has yet to present results from Priori Incantem." I shrugged.

"When I find that bastard…."

-Censored with good reason.-

As Sirius kept rampaging with not-so-nice words I slowly closed his curtains around him and cast a silencing charm.

It's curtains for you Sirius. HAAH!

Not.

I quietly tiptoed over to Potter's bed; he was fast asleep. I gently played with his hair before I realized who I was and I also reminded myself that I was not queer. I stuffed my hands in my pockets to stem my desire to run my hands through that unruly hair. He looked like he had what had been a broken leg and arm, plenty of bruises on his arms and bare chest (I inhaled sharply), and his face.

"You know, you could just tell him rather than watch him in his sleep like a stalker." That annoying face was poking out from between his curtains.

What a cheeky berk.

"You're finished swearing then?"

"No."

More censorship. Jeopardy theme

"Done."

"Good." If he weren't injured badly, and I didn't pity him now, I'd give him a good slap upside the head.

Awkward silence.

"So uh….how are you going to tell him? I don't think it's possible for you two to shag when you look like that." Sirius stated blatantly.

I was so taken aback I nearly choked on my own saliva.

What can I say? I grew up in a house were sex, drugs, and shags were strictly inappropriate for casual conversation.

The indignant little snot bag….

My mouth opened and closed a few times but nothing came out. Blowfish imitation is the new trend.

Breathe Lily, breathe

In

Out

In

Out

Don't go into psychotic red-head rage.

Just be logical and everything will be fine

"I just don't see how the biology would match up."

OH MY BLOODY GOD!!!

HOW CAN EVERYTHING BE FINE?!

Cancel that pity, and who cares if he's injured. With complete disregard for my wand, I leapt at Sirius like a feral tiger and showed him a good duffing up…..

The muggle way.

* * *

Keep your eyes on the floor. 

Look mournful.

Look cute.

Pretend you care.

I am the official biggest sap to walk the earth

"Mr .Vanes, I understand your deep friendship with these boys, and boys will be boys. But I don't see how a muggle duffing assisted Mr. Black in healing." Dumbledore glanced at me over his spectacles.

"Really, sir, I was helping him to heal his terrible case of verbal diarrhea." I pleaded, somewhat honestly.

I heard a snobby snort from Madame Mar behind me.

Meanwhile I gave Dumebledore my best puppy eyes.

He looked stern for a moment, then winked at me.

"Madame Mar, would you please leave Mr. Vanes and I alone for a few moments?"

She looked positively offended, yet delighted that I wasn't just allowed to walk out of Dumbledore's office. With a grudging smile on her face, she scuffed her shoes rudely and obnoxiously as she exited

It might be the schizophrenia.

Now all I have to do is figure how to get off scott-free and get 10,000 miles away from Sirius - the necessary distance to avoid mass destruction.

Only thing I can think of is: spontaneous human combustion.

I can fake my death and then run away to…Cambodia….where they will never ever bother to look for me. In fact, they shouldn't even be looking for me at all since they will think I'm dead.

Perfect plan really….

A bit too theatrical….

But I always believed in going out with a bang.

"I assure you Miss Evans, you need not become a fugitive." Just like that, my disguise melted away.

I jumped right out of my seat.

This just plain stinks. Dumbledore can read minds.

toilet flush There goes the plan.

I was told to sit in a red plush fireside chair. Dumbledore gently ran his hand along the fireplace mantel, taking great care to stare into the flames in an overly zealous pensive state. I began picking at a spot of ruby red nail polish that had begun to chip since my last trip to Beauxbatons.

"Aside from your recent disappearance, and your almost murder, I'd say you better start keeping a low profile Lily. I've smoothed your disappearance from Beauxbatons over with your parents, and I've done all I can to keep the recent events out of the Daily Prophet, but anymore displays and I will be responsible for revealing you. Too many are already suspicious. Should you be found out, most grievous consequences could come about." He placed himself in a chair across from me.

"Death!?" I whimpered. I don't want to die!

"No. A life sentence to St. Mungo's, perhaps."

"Roger that." I saluted him.

"With that said, I have news of the incident between Slytherin and Gryffindor." He paused for a painfully long while before continuing. " I'm afraid, the curse came from a Gryffindor."

"WHAT!?" I was out of my chair and had Dumbledore by his collar. "Those actions are below Gryffindors. They wouldn't do that!?" I mindlessly rambled.

Dumbledore removed my fingers from his shirt, and only stared into his celestial ceiling.

Seconds…

Minutes…

And more passed.

"Frank Longbottom."

Was all he said.

Thank god I have a strong bladder.

I can quite honestly say I am the biggest bloody idiot to come into existence in the history of the world.

He wouldn't.

He couldn't.

He can't.

I started shaking my head.

I looked at Dumbledore with big eyes before bursting from the room in feminine glory. As I tore through the halls, I got plenty of stares and maybe even a few wolf whistles, but I was blind to it all.

I arrived at the hospital wing. The only thing that kept me from bursting inside was the sound of a delightful womanly voice. I peered through the keyhole. A breathtakingly beautiful woman was sitting by Potter's bedside, gently stroking his face. She was the living human cappuccino with perfectly curly brown hair.

He said something.

She laughed.

I thought I heard them exchange the names "Jamsie" and "Ariadne".

I felt sick. All logic and reason flew away on a broom. I sobbed heavily, and tears nipped at the corners of my eyes.

I opened the door quietly and without a glance, proceeded to Frank's bed and pulled the curtains shut around us with a silencing charm.

"Did you do it Frank? Did you make that spell?" I said very calmly.

He was utterly dazed and confused by my appearance. My girly appearance.

I stared him in the eyes.

His eyes widened and then he began to speak.

What he said, I never heard because a very heavy object connected with the back of my head and life turned very black.

* * *

To say that my head feels like an anvil and my eyeballs stuffed with cotton would be an understatement. The light was low, lit by torches. It took moments for my tortured eyes to focus on the stone walls….floors…ceiling. 

"Is this some bloody dungeon?"

"No, but it is a secret passage way. Don't even bother trying."

I jumped sky-high again. Remus was leaning against the wall, arms folded across his battered body.

"I've seen you around, and I don't know how you know so much. I want an explanation."

We gave each other the stare of death, until I cracked and sobbed loudly. Remus demanded to know what unholy ghost possessed my body when I threw myself from the floor and into his arms.

"Remus! I'm so sorry!"

He patted my back awkwardly.

"Erm…I….uh…"

I was suddenly thankful that the universe invented werewolves.

Yes, I am well aware that thought is completely idiotic and the universe was a seriously screwed up place with no heart.

"My name is Lily Evans." And I spilled my marbles. I told him everything, and all my adventures, and that Sirius knew."And that's how I knew everything."

Remus said nothing, yet stared pensively at the floor. He seemed completely baffled by my psychotic outlook on life, crossdressing, and elaborate schemes.

I like to pride myself in the latter of that statement.

"You have some seriously addled brains."

Grazie.

"And I don't have to tell you how completely nuts you are."

Prego.

"And that I don't believe a word you said."

Dammit.

You believe me, right?

If your answer is no, do not even bother to answer. It is a rhetorical question and the answer must be yes.

I crumbled into a ball on the floor and stared at my knees which was truly a bad idea given the passage was wet, damp, and had water puddles scattered along the floor. I happened to sit in one.

Oh why oh why did I have to blurt everything out to Remus?

Perhaps I was just nervous about Remus doubting my biology. I am hoping never to breach the lines of biology. I turned straight into a tomato and mumbled to my knees.

"Didn't catch that." Remus spat.

"I asked: Are you going to tell?" I said again, but with more oomph.

"I assume you wouldn't be here if Dumbledore didn't know. I still don't believe this could have happened and someone hadn't noticed. Though that does explain why you have your own dorm, random absences, a light tenor voice, and the terrible stumbling."

Oooh! What I would like to say to him now, but I will not waste the ink. You can pick on my for anything else except for red-hair and klutziness, or I will promise you will be reincarnated as a cockroach and I shall never associate with you again.

Can cockroaches even associate? Can they attend little cockroach social clubs and communicate and dance?

Shut up thinking.

This is just painful.

"I would ask that sometime you tell James and the others about who you are. It's not fair that you deceive them."

"James is busy with that other woman."

It was Remus's turn to look confused.

"The one by his bedside."

"Ariadne?"

"Whatever." I glared at him, and he gave me his best I'm-not-trying-to-annoy-you-to-death-looks. "Can I leave now?"

I gave that look that said anyone who challenged me was clearly deranged.

"You've had the ability to leave the entire time."

"Except I don't know how to leave."

Remus stepped aside to reveal a portrait hole behind him.

I couldn't tell if my face was red from anger or shame.

I left the passage without another comment.

I need chocolate

* * *

**Muggle Studies**

I have clearly taken a mental turn for the worse, and might have delved into insanity. Since my encounter with Remus, I have gotten up at ungodly hours to avoid all forms of life and to ensure no questions asked. I ate breakfast in the kitchens, then blithered my way to muggle studies, only tripping once over a protruding stone in the floor.

When students started filing in, I was shocked to see the Marauders' seats filled. I still haven't been able to look into Frank's eyes. But I still can't accept that he did it.

I vow to get to the bottom of it.

Sirius nudged my arm and when he finally held my gaze, gave me a wink.

"So what did you do without your handsome knights to entertain and protect you?" He whispered.

"You know - drank, smoked, romped, joyriding, pranking, slytherin torture."

"I'm so proud."

Do not roll eyes.

"Actually, I played a lot of chess with Peter."

"You, my darling, have so much to learn."

I shoved him off his chair, much to James' and Peter's dismay. Remus really didn't notice. I guess he's still sore that Lee Vanes isn't real.

James saw me and looked across the room, just looking, not smiling. Oh dear. He's going to be mean because he thinks I'm a nut or a queer. I blinked like an owl, before he ran a hand through his hair and turned around,

He has ever such nice hairy hair. I smiled stupidly at the ceiling as I thought of how it would feel to run my hands through his hair.

Of course Black can't let this pass peacefully. Sirius shoved me off my chair.

"Wha-"

"Payback. I didn't have any cold water or ice."

Cheeky cat.

For a while, everything seemed back to normal. Malfoy was still laid up in bed. (manic grin) James slept and copied Remus's notes during the last five minutes. Sirius flicked dungbombs at the slytherins and hufflepuffs in front of him. And I was somewhere in between daydreaming, being studious, and joining Sirius.

I would call this day uneventful until Professor Green said something curious.

"This Friday, two days hence, we're taking a fieldtrip to observe the muggles in a Tennis match."

Lord I am terrible at tennis. Please don't ask.

You asked, didn't you?

When I was 14, I played intramural tennis in my summer vacation. (mum's psychotic request) I had won my first match of the year and was so proud that I tossed my tennis racket into the air, and backwards so that it _unintentionally _landed on my mother's head.

We agreed sports were not for me after that incident.

"But professor! We've got a Quidditch match again Durmstrang that night!" Potter was immediately on his feet in protest.

The world has flipped on its axis. I head mumbles of agreement from the Slytherins.

"Ya, Prof! You can't send us away!"

"The match is at two, between France and England. You should be back by supper." Professor Green dismissed them.

"We've got no time to rest! We need our strength!" Alistair argued.

Pish Post. You're just prejudiced you prejudiced …loon.

Why these idiots are in muggle studies, I do not know.

"Eat your spinach then. You are going and that is final, or you will not be playing Quidditch either."

Professor Green, you rule. Alistair looked defeated and sulked.

Score.

After class, Sirius stopped me in the hall. I couldn't see James, Remus, Peter or Frank, so I decided it was safe.

"Erm…Jamsie is really freaked out about your spaz attack in the hospital wing. He's suspicious of you, and a bit angry. I'd keep my distance for now and I'll try to smooth things over. Hopefully we can nip off at the match and fix things between you and Jamsie. He is seriously confused. You ought to tell him soon." Sirius said without waiting for my reply.

I could hear him calling for the Marauders to wait up somewhere down the hall.

And then I was left by my lonesome self and it wasn't until then that I felt.

I really don't feel like going to any more classes.

I do feel like chocolate chip cookies.

So for the rest of the day, I saw in the kitchens and stuffed desserts into my mouth.

I did contact Alice via Compact floo.

"Alice, should I tell everyone the truth."

"Erm, I dunno."

"True, but what do you think? If you were in disguise and you liked James, a lot, would you tell him you wanted to date him?"

"But I don't want to go out with James."

"I know."

"And I am not a crossdresser."

"Alice, you are being what is technically known as a fool."

Naturally, she got the mega hump and disconnected.

Personally, I was in no mood for her humps.

I simply sulked for the rest of the night,

* * *

**Paris – Tennis Match France vs England**

Friday had approached quicker than I would have liked it to. We were marched one by one, like prisoners of war, around the court and forced to sit in very appropriate muggle clothing for the event.

Professor Green and Voldemort are channeling the same evil spirit in my book right now.

I hate tennis.

**I really hate tennis.**

Everyone crowds around a court in several stories of 3/4th walled ritzy glamour, all arranged by the money in one's pocket.

Bollocks.

There I was, moping on the second story, when a pretty black haired girl in a pretty blue dress sauntered up to Professor Green.

" 'Scuse me sir, but may I borrow Lee. His mother is here at the match and has asked to see him."

Poopascoopa!

Professor Green pretended to think, then dismissed her with a wave of his hand. He apparently thinkgs he's God's gift to the world the way he dismisses people.

The girl grabbed my arm and wrenched me away with some force.

Once we were out of sight, I shoved her off me. "I don't know who you are, but Sod. Off." And I wrenched my arm away.

"Over here." She pulled me into an alleyway, and pulled off her black wig. It was Alice.

I started to speak.

"Shut up Lily. I'm still not pleased, but I wasn't lying. Your mother is here and was demanded to see you over at Beauxbatons. I told her you were in the bathroom." She handed me a bag. "Here is a change of clothes, and do make yourself look acceptable. I don't know how much longer I can cover for you." She shoved the things into my hands and started to leave.

"It can't be that bad. I deal with her all the time."

"Lily, you're going to hurt someone with your lies. It's not going to be me, and I'm not covering for you after this. Take responsibility for what you've done." She glanced at me meaningfully, and disappeared into the crowd.

I didn't have time to think. I shuffled into the nearest bathroom and locked the door. The bag contained a rose pink slim debutant dress. Thinking about what Alice said, I changed back to normal and fixed my appearance and hair to movie-star standards, and tucked my bag behind a potty.

I had no idea where to go, until I spotted a group of dressy girls pointing and oogling the Hogwarts boys.

Leave my boys alone!

Here we go. So. Shoulders back, swingy arms, walking walking swing swing. Feet stay in a straight line to make my hips go side to side These are well-known boy attracting movements, also commonly associated with orangutans.

Swing Swing

Hip Hip

"Pardon me ladies, I seem to have lost my bearing. Can you tell me which was back to Beauxbatons?" I fluttered my eyelashes as trademark.

Gag me with a spoon.

They pointed stupidly to a spot in the stands.

Thanks.

Or as they say in Italian,

Grassy arse.

I found them easily, and quickly. My mother was easily spotted in her light blue skirt suit and abominable hat.

" 'Ello mother." I added in a falsely sweet smile.

Her lips tightened when she saw me, then smiled.

"Oh, my little lady." She sized me up, and decided I was acceptable. "Wherever have you been? You're supposed to attend schooling in France."

"I've been…with Namie…learning the grace and art of the geisha in Japan."

"I'm glad you're becoming a cultured, globally aware woman. I was always worried you'd become detached from your role."

So that's what this is about?

"I'm terribly sorry mother, but I was having a lovely conversation with the Baroness DuBois. I'm sure she wouldn't appreciate my absence to be too extended."

Mother looked positively exhilarated.

I saw Alice scowl from her spot next to Mikalah.

I scuttled back to the loo and then back to the Hogwarts lads.

"Everything alright?" Peter asked upon my return.

"Smashing."

James surveyed me for a second, then outwardly banished whatever he was thinking. He's still sore abut something. I haven't figured it out yet.

I grew bored fast. How interesting can it be to smack a ball at one another with organized wires? I began staring at a balcony across from my seat with a look that clearly said 'the lights are on but nobody's home'.

Among the people across the way, my mother emerged from after some time. She spoke to some Beauxbaton girls, and I watched them point to my bathroom.

Oh no. My clothes!

She'll find them.

"LOO!" I yelled and dashed from my seat.

I thought I got away from it until I heard James mimic my actions, and then Sirius.

Bloody parrots.

Scheissenhausen, I'm being followed!

As quickly as possible, I pushed through the crowds of richly dressed people. I could hear James yelling my name, and Sirius yelling his.

I saw Mischa and her tarts picking on some poor first year by a ledge. I glared at her, and to my surprise, she shimmied up to me, waggling her assets as much as possible.

"Why hello there. Care to tell me what they call this handsome face?" She placed her body as close as publicly possible to mine.

**GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD LOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRDDDDDD!!!!!!**

I don't know what's scarier: that she can rip off and replace her mask of kindess in an instant or that she hit on me.

Nasty to nice in .001 of a second.

I placed my large, manly hands on her shoulders and held her at arm's length. I decided it would be absolutely clever to start telling the truth from then on. "I like boys, not girls." I simply stated and walked away from her utterly gaping face.

I heard my name clearly from behind me, and quickly shuffled into an alley and through a gated staircase, whose lock I blasted off with my wand. As I climbed, I could hear at least two pair of footsteps behind me. Once at the top, I locked the top gate and pulled a heavy set of ruby curtains in front of it.

I ran through a ritzy anteroom, and into a glaring blob of light……which happened to be one of the eight exclusive balconies for royalty. Luckily, Spain had decided not to attend the match today and the flat was empty.

I could see my destination below and on a 2nd floor balcony to my left.

There was a large tapestry hanging off the front of the Spanish balcony embroidered with the crest of Spain. It reached the second level.

Cue jazzy cat and mouse music.

Hunting wabbits time!

I heard an explosion behind me. They were here.

I threw myself off the front of the balcony and caught onto the tapestry around the fourth level. Members of the crowd screamed as I slid. I gathered a bunch of the material in my hand and used it, like a vine, to swing into the second level.

George, George, George of the Jungle watch out for that lady!

I had to let go to the tapestry early to avoid an elderly lady, and smashed into a Greek column.

Can I just say, OW!

I watched as oogly people stared at my disheveled state. I heard the calls of Police. I gathered the tapestry in my hands, threw it at the crowd, then slithered into my nearby destination while chaos ensued.

Nice. I distracted my mother enough to slip into the bathroom and all is safe.

When I emerged as the knock-out debutant Lily, I was so pleased to watch the Police and Professor Green run by and not recognize me.

Needless to say, Lee won't be returning.

I was ready to take the day off for Lily, and plum walk out of the place.

Until..

"Lily! There are some people I want you to meet!"

I almost died.

Before I could protest, my mother had me by the arm and swiftly guided me to a tea area.

Sitting at her table were the two most shriveled beings, I was afraid if they were in the sun any longer, they would surpass prune-hood.

If I get so old I am subjected to vegetablisation, I would so kindly ask that God put me out of my misery.

"Mother, I really must-"

"No buts, Lily Anna."

Lahaygfdsafhjkasfhytsagfksa!

About twenty minutes of useless prattle and I was seriously looking for an angel of mercy.

And one came.

I saw his figure in the doorway. He seemed to be scanning the crowd, but stopped at my red hair.

A smile crossed his face. He recognized me.

Would you stop shaking, knees?

He took one look around the room, wrinkled his nose, then nodded his head pointedly towards the outside.

Then he left.

What!? That's your idea of a rescue mission?

Bloody boys.

Before I knew it, I had gently tugged on my mothers arm and asked to be excused because the painters had called. She nodded proudly.

I was about to leave and pursue James, until I had a sweet thought of revenge. "Lady…Agnes was it? And Lady Agatha, why don't you educate my mother on the ancient Egyptian marriage ritual that went on in your day? I'll be right back."

I ran through the doorway before anyone realized what I'd implied.

Sometimes I astound myself with the bollocks that pours from my mouth.

I found James leaning casually against the wall outside the tea room

He smiled, and I melted. No not really, I am not the wicked witch of the west on the floor.

Then he started walking away, with casual glances over his shoulder to see that I would follow.

I am not following you around like a sad puppy dog.

His hazel eyes met mine briefly, and I took off into a heated pace.

You have just glimpsed my iron will.

Went right, then right, then left, up the stairs, then right, right, left, and out onto the roof pent-house.The owners weren't in, but a fresh pot of tea had been brewed and scones set out on the balcony.

God bless the English.

James's back was facing to me, but he seemed to sense me and turn around immediately.

"You didn't run this time. I still don't know your name, but beggars can't be choosers. You're still here." He placed his hand on my cheek.

I nearly gobbled like a turkey. I suddenly had an urge to run to the little girls' room. I began formulating my acceptance speech for when James says he wants to go out with me. 'Aah, James. Cheerio! Froot Loops! And Wheaties! What a surprise to see you as a girl!' Hang on, that can't be right – he'll think I'm a transvestite. No, he'll think I think that he is a transvestite, or-Anyways, on with the acceptance speechie. 'You want me to be your girlfriend? I would be happy to be your matey. Eggscellent'

Right to the point.

It's a winner.

I felt his hands on my waste and he drew me close. His head shifted lower towards mine, and I was seriously delirious as to where his sweetness ended and mine began. Just when I felt the slightest tingle of moisture on my lips, strong voices were approaching us.

B-U-G-G-E-R!!!!!!!!!

James swore.

I was red as a tomato about what almost happened, and possibly very angry at those rude people.

How I wish I had an invisibility cloak.

Amazing! James had one shrunken in his back pocket! James whispered, "Want to get out of here?"

I nodded stupidly.

We vanished ourselves promptly and ran from the room.

In fact, we left the entire building, Hogwarts, and Beauxbatons behind.

Oh, the adventures.

* * *

A lot of credit to Gordon Goodwin's _"The Jazz Police_" for inspiring the chase scene. I didn't forget about the Quidditch match that night. You can only guess what events might unfurl! 

Review for cookies! I love cookies!


	19. Fairytale of Paris

**Standard disclaimer applies.**

* * *

**Outside**

Well that was mortifying.

We escaped the building without a hitch. Yet, on the way down the entrance staircase I had managed to trip over my own feet, tumble into James, and now we are an unceremonious heap on the ground. We are still wrapped in the invisibility cloak, and passersby merely step on us.

I am always the dysfunctional one causing trouble.

James pulled us up, and moved us to a private outskirt of the estate before removing the cloak.

His hair was completely tossed and the two top buttons on his shirt had come undone. While I stared, stupidly, he cleaned the lenses of his glasses and replaced them on his face.

"I'm so sorry. I have misfortunes like that all the time. I should have warned you." I dusted him off a bit.

He smiled at me.

Melting like the wicked witch of the west!

"I have a friend…I think…who does that sort of thing all the time. I am used to it, and life is never boring. I enjoy it." He winked at me. "What do you want to do today, little lady?"

I opened and closed my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. I was a fish in headlights. Nevermind that fish normally don't leave water.

"What? You mean to tell me you don't do this sort of thing often? Well in that case, dinner in Paris it is." He said, self assured.

"Paris? We are in London. How do you expect us to get there? You don't have a broom hidden in your back pocket do you?"

James's face seemed to light up, then he said we a great big smile, "No."

"Then, what is your plan?" I was growing increasingly suspicious of the boy's level of sanity.

"Simply: Apparate." He shrugged his shoulders

I turned my head to the sky and said a silent prayer:

Dear Baby Merlin, I am sorry for anything I have ever done wrong, even though I do not know what I've done, which seems a bit unfair if it is going to be held against me. But that is how the universe works. I am not questioning your superioritosity. In the future, however, please grace my presence with greater intelligence.

Grassy arse.

"Don't tell me you've forgotten that you have to have been to the place you apparate to." I pointed out.

"And I have." He smiled proudly.

I forgot how much money the families of Hogwarts students have, especially the Potters.

I hung my head in defeat, and without another word he wrapped his arms around me, and we stood there a little too long to ensure that it was purely platonic.

With a crack, we were gone.

* * *

**Paris**

I couldn't believe it.

It was unbelievable, that's why.

We reappeared at the base of one of the legs of the Eiffel Tower, engulfed in trees and foliage. I could hear the rhythmic rain of a pond and or fountain nearby, and the soft whispers of people speaking in fluent French.

"We're almost there, but we need to make a change before we arrive." He quickly changed his casual attire into dress robes, then sized my own outfit up. "It's lovely, but a little too dressed down. Can you embellish it at all?"

He's either asking me to strip or to dress up. I haven't quite figured out which yet but I have a feeling I will like neither, and Potter will be left with sore feet after I demonstrate my angry flamenco dancing.

"What? Where are we going? Why do I need to change?"

"Listen, you'll understand in a minute, but can you transfigure some embellishments on that dress? We need black tie attire."

SOD! I have accidentally created one of the worst situations in my life. Well, out with it before I must endure more embarrassment.

"I can't transfigure to save my life! I'll most likely end up with a poodle head and a turtle shell on my back." I pleaded.

It's the truth, really!

"You can't be that bad."

"Yes I can." I glared at him for challenging my authority.

"It's scary isn't it?" He looked at me curiously and never continued.

Don't you just hate when people say something to peak your interest, but then never finish what they are saying and treat you like a complete fool when they are responsible for your ignorance?!

I waited for him to snap out of it until the infamous Evans patience ran out. "Go on."

"You remind me so much of someone I know. He is most certainly the clumsiest person I have ever met, and he is positively a troll at transfiguration." James said as if he hadn't said anything rude and derogatory at all.

Well, fine then. I'll just glomp about in my big Troll costume, grow warts on my face, make my skin purple and inflate my body until my head resembles a pygmie face on a wooly mammoth, and cause chaos and carnage…in my own dress…..

With out any help from him…..

It is a lovely picture. I myself am quite fond of wooly mammoths.

I got the mega hump and sulked.

"Don't take that the wrong way. I'll just do it for you." He pulled out his wand.

This is how desperate I am: I am letting a boy choose my clothing and put it on for me.

With my luck I will look like a pygmy, and I will be better looking like that than anything I could have created.

Before I could protest, my dress grew to floor length and became slightly sparkly. He cupped his chin in his hand, and scrutinized the outfit. He mumbled to himself, waved his wand, and the dress turned to black.

I am not sure if I should be disgusted or infatuated with his good taste in women's clothes. I scoffed, glowered, mumbled, and turned my nose up, but I was inwardly pleased with him.

We ladies can never tell boys though, unless you are the brave soul that wants to deal with an ego so big it swallows the world. God rest your soul. I don't think Voldemort is even that brave, then again it could be because he has the biggest bloody head in the world. Let me tell you, Potter is the next best match. I wouldn't be surprised if they had a face-off one day over it.

In the mean time….

With a strange familiarity to the last time, we apparated up to the second floor of the Eiffel Tower, and into _Le Jules Verne._

All I am missing right now is a World War II flying helmet, goose-egg goggles. My eyes will suffice marvelously for the goggles at the moment, as they are probably so wide they engulfed my face at the moment.

Bloody rich kids.

I stared at James incredulously. "This is Le Jules Verne! It takes months to make reservations here. How you do expect us to get a table when we just walk in?!"

"You will see." Was all he said.

Upon approaching the host, the man's face instantly lit up at the sight of James. They spoke in French for a few minutes, which I could vaguely make out, before we were led to a table very close to a window and very high over Paris and the sunset.

We sat down, and I tried all kinds of methods of bladder control, including looking out the window and watching people snogging, and jogging, and flogging below….okay not flogging, but it rhymed.

James tried to make small talk as the wine was poured. As I reached for the glass, I seriously prayed that I did not have a beard growing under each arm. The orangutan gene takes no vacations.

I swirled the wine in the glass while trying desperately to muster an answer to his questions rather than the attractive English word: "Kneegh."

This is worse than when the deranged family comes 'round for Christmas dinner. I only ever make sounds such as "Kneegh" when Great Aunt Tessy pinches my cheeks. It usually is a sign of pain, discomfort, anger, murderous tendencies, or if you are on Tessy's side, it is your yearly Christening. Yes, it is renewable in my case because I am the child delinquent that refuses to conform to my mother's debutant expectations.

Family.

What would we do without them?

Have peace is what we would do!

Let's not even focus on grandmum. If I have to hear one more time what a little lady I _WILL_become I will not be responsible for my actions.

Mum, Grandmum, and Great Aunt Tessy all channel the same evil spirit.

I say a prayer for the males in my family. My father – who tends to ignore my mother and simply make jokes at her whenever she gets mad – keeps me sane. Too bad he travels on business so much. His brother, my uncle Bruce, is just like him. Unfortunately, he lives in Peru and occasionally sends rather exotic presents much to my mother's gray hairs and my delight. He once sent a llama as a 12th birthday present to me. Mum had a row and wanted to have it sent away. I was too attached to the poor thing so I set it loose into the forest behind the house. I still see it occasionally. The furry thing gets along just fine.

Where would a girl be without her llama?

James noticed I had begun to space out and reached across the table for my hand to gain my attention. I suppose he forgot or ignored the kneegh comment or else he could not possibly want to have contact or look at me. Who knows, he might even get the Lily disease.

He doesn't even know that's the name of the disease yet. That would require him to know my name.

"When will you tell me your name, little lady?"

I was startled not by the question but by the mere fact that that's exactly what I had been thinking about.

Damn! We are on the same brainwave.

My treacherous mind!

James took my silence as a sign to go on.

"I don't know how you do it, but you seem to know more about me than I do about you. Just for a second forget that I'm a Potter and forget all my dubious Marauder escapades and tell me if you could see me as someone you could trust and even like"

I almost dropped one of my fourteen forks. Truthfully I had understood his reasoning and had no trouble tracing his path of thought.

I stared at him.

"Don't look at me like I am crazy. I can tell you have thought about it too."

My mind has inwardly been fantasizing a scene like this happening, although there were slightly less people around and we weren't in Le Jules Verne (there was less money involved), but it was the same schizoo.

Bloody traitor.

I sighed knowing he was right.

"Before the end of the night, I want to know what you think, and if you'll have me."

"Okay….then."

We ate with light-hearted chatter, and I found myself spilling things more than James was, and for dessert James ordered a plate of chocolate chip cookies.

And I had been thinking about what he said the entire time and yes I have caught myself wishing I wasn't stuck in Lee's body at times when I wanted to have him and even thinking about how lucky any girl would be to have his attention.

Blasted logic. I'll give him a chance.

These cookies make me feel so good that I will become agreeable with any haphazard or romantic idea that comes by.

It's not all that bad either.

* * *

I look like a ferret.

But I'm a warm ferret.

James and I strolled through the tower park by sunset in warm coats he transfigured for us from a bunch of leaves. Mine is white and furry. If I didn't know it was made from leaves, I would have boxed him for endorsing the harming the innocent little forest creatures to make fur coats.

Or tigers

Or Polar Bears

Or….you get the idea

I don't think I could even send bugger Lady Fiona to that fate.

I am such a sap.

We strolled along the crisp autumn trail. Leaves had begun to turn red, yellow, and orange, and the air was as frosty as could be.

"When are you going to stop fighting me and let me in?" James broke our small talk and silence alteration.

I stared up at him in shock, then decided that the rising red on my face was inherently unattractive and began to stare at my shoes.

He stopped my rhythmic path. His finger found its way under my chin and tilted my head up. "Remember what I said earlier? You're guarding yourself this time around. Don't worry, I won't hurt you." James spoke softly.

Really, could I?

"But, you're James Potter! You're in magazines, tabloids, and all manner of media for your status and desirability. Your reputation precedes you. How can you settle for me? You don't even know my name! I could be some poor commoner who you would never want anything to do with once you know who I am."

James stuffed his hands in his pockets and turned towards the sun. "I don't know how I can settle for you, but I know I want to, and that's all that matters."

He turned towards me. "And I'd know your name if you would just tell me. You're quite stubborn."

I smiled proudly and he laughed a bit.

I have gone sappy and extremely out of Lily character. Months ago, I would have slapped James in the kisser if he'd said something to me like that. Yet watching him as Lee, it became a question of not 'how could you love this boy' but 'how could you not?'. Even with his stupid messy hair, and his stupid pride, and his stupid Quidditch…

Quidditch

Oh my giddy aunt.

The match against Durmstrang is supposed to start at sundown.

"Potter! The Quidditch match!" I pointed to the setting sun.

James: -censored with good reason-

"We have to go! We need time to re-enter the school grounds. No apparating right there." James spouted frantically.

Typical boy. More worried about sports then something important such as what I was about to say.

He spotted a clearing and with a nod of his head directed me towards it.

I am not a dog who will follow its master's call. Oh, this boy is so IRRITATING!

Oy! He's walking away. I wasn't finished!!!!!

I reached out and grabbed the end of his scarf, semi-choking him with satisfaction as I pulled him back to me.

He whirled around, visibly disturbed and upset, until I blurted "LILY!"

He looked confused.

"My name is Lily. Lily Evans."

A goofy grin spread onto his face. Upon seeing that smile, I lost control of my body; I grabbed both ends of his scarf and pulled his face towards mine.

Before I go on can I just spout a disclaimer that I had not been planning this and my body has a mind of its own that does not coincide with Lily's brain.

The next thing I know, I am snogging James Potter at the Eiffel Tower in front of the sunset you only see in movies.

The only question in my mind is, how do I tell him that I am Lee?

* * *

Hogwarts has never looked so distant from Hogsmeade. The crowds were immense because of the match. I nearly lost James four times had it not been for his tight grip on my hand. We were tussled in all directions, but we finally made it out of the crowd.

James summoned his broom for us to fly to the pitch. He is a far better and faster flyer than I. I will admit, I held onto James tighter than I needed to on the broom, but he didn't seem to mind.

He led me into the Hogwarts tent, whose air seemed to be tight and tense. As soon as James stormed in, all of the other players were on their feet.

"Where were you mate? You gave us a scare." Remus said bitterly.

I quickly hid my embarrassed face behind James' broad frame.

"I'm here now. Don't worry about it." He waved them off.

He did a quick scan of who was present, and by his silence I could tell he noticed someone missing.

"Where's Malfoy?"

"He's still got a concussion. Unable to play." Sirius volunteered.

"Where's Lee?"

Oh Merlin's pantyhose!

"Haven't seen him all day." Amos Diggory said.

Luckily, I saw Sirius standing nearby. I waved frantically to him from behind James, and even though I question Sirius' intelligence, kudos to him, he got the hint.

"Oh, he went to the loo. Maybe Moaning Myrtle got him. I'll go look for him." Sirius said robotically.

As Sirius was about to leave the ten, he grabbed my arm and began pulling me with him. However, James noticed my movement, and snatched my other arm.

I was a tug-of-war rope!

"She can stay here, Sirius." James glared at his best friend.

Well, I'll eventually end up here.

"I think it would be awkward having a girl in a boys' locker room."

Me too.

"You're all changed, what do you care?"

Thank Merlin.

"I think she'd be happier watching the game in the stands."

I agree.

"There is no better view of the match than from the edge of the players' tent."

That's true.

"I don't understand why she needs to be here with us, James."

Me neither.

"I don't understand why you're trying to take her away, Sirius." James glared and spat.

I do, and with good reason.

"I don't get why you're so upset mate. I am not trying to take her away from you. I just want Lily to be the most comfortable." Sirius said calmly.

I was beginning to be most uncomfortable too.

James looked like he accepted this logic, until a flash of dawn crossed his features. "You knew her name, and you didn't tell me when I repeatedly agonized over what it was?" James glared at his best friend.

All this, over a name? They need a bloody hobby!

"Well if I told you, it wouldn't mean anything to you. It would not be the same as if she told you." Sirius reasoned.

"How do you know her? What is going on? I swear Sirius if you and she–" James was cut off by a fist from Sirius.

I shrieked as James fell flat on his arse. He massaged his bruising chin with the widest hazel eyes I have ever seen.

"Get off it. It is not like that. Just because you two had an afternoon together, don't prance around like her damn saviour. It is creeping the rest of us out, and is really quite annoying. You really have no idea of what is really going on here, do you?"

James just stared from Sirius, to me, then back to Sirius, to me.

Remus walked ever-so-softly to my side, and in his quiet tone, spoke, "Lily, if you were waiting for the right time to tell everyone, now would be a good time to do it to avoid further damage."

I slowly crouched down to James' level. For a moment, I simply mumbled to my knees, deciding they were far more understanding than this crowd, until I heard James' scared and disappointed voice.

"Lily?"

"James….I am Lily Evans...but, for the past few months, I have also been Lee Vanes. Lee Vanes is… not a real person, but merely me in a disguise."

* * *

**ONE MORE CHAPTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

Hi everyone!

I am well aware of your frustration at me for my lack of updates. I was sidetracked, has a block, applied to Uni, and in general got lost, but I am back on track and ready to finish this story!

I would like to thank ALL readers and reviewers for their encouragement and faithful reading. Little Lady is all it is because of you! Thank you!

I love reviews! I love how people want to help with constructive criticism and encouragement, so please tell me what you think!!!!!!


	20. When Green Eyes Opened

Disclaimer: Potter isn't mine…..or is he?

**THE END IS NEAR!!!! (also meaning, this is the last chapter.)  
**

* * *

I am being entirely serious when I say:

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Boys are the most infuriating specimens in the world!

Oops, I did that out loud.

A score of girls came running to ensure my safety.

In reality, it was only Alice, but she tripped on the rug and made the clamour of 100 cows.

"Oh, and here I thought something happened. That would have been preferable to your sulking." Alice mumbled.

"Go away."

"You've been up here for two days. At least come outside! Fresh air does the body good!" Alice stretched and inhaled deeply for emphasis.

"No thank you." I spat.

"Oy, for the love of Merlin Lily. I told you this was going to happen, but you milked it for all it was worth. You can't have the best of both worlds. They don't care if you are sulking, and they are not coming to beg your forgiveness."

I pointedly glared at her, then began scribbling furiously in this book.

"You can't ignore me forever Lily!"

I bloody well can.

"Fine. If you want some advice, you didn't even put up a fight. I would have at least fought for him. " Alice threw her hands into the air and stormed out.

What is all this about, you ask?

It started with four words:

"I am Lee Vanes." I said.

Crickets. And one of those awkward pauses that happen when something really ridiculous happens and everyone decides to stare each other down until your eyes tear themselves out of their sockets.

"That's a good one Lily." James started forcing a laugh to the point where he was practically shooting his nose hairs out.

I laughed a bit. "It sounds funny doesn't it? But it's entirely true."

"You are telling me, that you have been with us this whole year disguised as a boy? Right." James said sarcastically.

"Hehehe! Yep! What a good joke! Except, I am not joking!"

"You aren't?"

"Unfortunately not."

"Are you out to exploit us? Was there something you wanted to know, because you could have just asked. Was it fun to lie to us, and was our obliviousness so amusing to you? Or, maybe you're with the paparazzi and you're getting money for taking undercover shots of us. How much are they paying you?" James spatted angrily. His voice cracked a few times, and more for emotional sake than puberty's sake.

"Don't be stupid, it's not like that mate." Sirius helped.

James laughed again, but eventually began drowning in realization. "You mean, you knew Sirius?" he started giggling, but it sounded more insane and mocking rather than jovialness. "You neglected to tell us all about this imposter."

"She's a good person James, and she had a decent reason for deceiving us. It wasn't malicious, believe me. I figured, if Dumbledore would keep this secret, then I would too." Sirius tried.

"Hey, Sirius. Lend me your face." James demanded, then socked Sirius in the chin. "You're the lowest jerk." He spat as Sirius nursed his bruised chin.

"James, that is ridiculous! He gets hit for something I did!? That makes no sense. If you'll let me explain…." I lightly touched his arm and he wrenched it away.

"Don't. It really doesn't matter who you are or what you have done, just get away from me. You are getting on my nerves. Leave!" James said with absolute disgust.

"The match is starting now." Remus whispered.

Sirius moved to gather his equipment, but James shoved him away from it. "I have more faith in a Slytherin to be honest than you. Both of you. Don't bother playing, we are stronger without you." James seethed.

The boys finished preparing, then left Sirius and I and the tent.

I suddenly found my shoes very interesting. Black patent leather really does shine up.

"I'm so sorry, I muttered. I didn't think it would come out this way, or that there would be anyone else to blame but me." Sirius looked at me curiously. "I really thought, that I could come here, do what I came to do, and leave without being noticed or any attachment. I never thought I would meet such a wonderful group of lads, whom I really liked and who included me no matter what." The tear ducts opened and my face was streaming with salt water.

"And because I like you all so much, I can't stand the thought of the Marauders breaking up over me." By now, Sirius had pulled me into a hug. "And so," I mumbled into his chest. "go to James, and ask what you can do to fix this. Whatever he asks, I'll do it, just as long as you don't loose your friendship. I can't imagine a world without the Marauders."

See, I told you I am a sap.

"Lily…."

"Don't say anything. Please, people told me it wasn't a good idea to keep this charade going. But I was too selfish and stubborn to give you up. I was selfish. I realized I'm the worst because of that." I sobbed loudly.

"We are the Marauders. We have endured evil, and you are most certainly not what is going to divide us. Don't worry about everyone else, I will look after you." He chuckled. "I don't think James will be able to hold out long. He was _obsessed_ with you, you know."

Obsessed?

I suddenly had a mental image of the two of us committed to same retirement home when we become wrinkled prunes. I'd be hobbling away from him with my cane, and he would be chasing me down with his walker.

Sacre Bleu.

"James is from a rich and powerful family. Where he succeeds and no one else can, he also falls short where someone like you soars. I don't think James reacted how he wanted too, and he's too stubborn to admit wrong. He'll let it go until it consumes him, where you can at least admit the wrongs of your multiple personality disorder." My glazy eyes slowly strayed to Sirius', then I began giggling.

I don't have multiple personality disorder, do I?

All the voices in my head nagged 'Yes'.

"Can you do me a favor?" Sirius asked.

I nodded.

"Fly out onto the pitch with me. We need to join the game. We need to tell him we're not letting him get away."

"This time, I'll go as Lily." I resolved.

We changed, and marched onto the pitch. Sirius spoke with the referee about some farse story detailing why we were late. She called a time-out, and all the players froze in their spots.

I saw James' incredulous and disbelieving look as we soared to our positions at his height. He looked as if he were about to say something, but he seemed to stop whatever it was when I simply smiled at him.

"Let's finish this!" Cried the referee, and the players clashed again.

* * *

"I'm sorry that you are leaving so soon Miss Evans. We very much enjoyed your presence." Dumbledore said fondly as we stood on the outdoor terrace under the early morning twilight. "Was there something in particular about the school that dissatisfied you?" His eyes seemed to twinkle with knowing.

"On the contrary; I liked them…it…too much to keep up my charade." I said through watery eyes, and a sobbing smile.

"After that victory over Durmstrang, the Quidditch team would surely miss you." Professor McGonagall said emotionally.

"I will miss them too. I was never much of a sports fanatic, but when I saw so many good players, I respected it; I couldn't help but want to join. Even that would have been enough." I said, and smiled.

Dumbledore, McGonagall and I began descending the stairs towards the castle grounds. "It's a shame you can't stay for the approaching winter festivities. You will visit for them, I hope?" Dumbledore asked.

"As long as I am welcome to."

"Always." He smiled over his spectacles. "There is a Beauxbaton's carriage waiting for you at the far side of the grounds."

We hugged goodbye, and as I waved longingly at them, I somehow managed to trip over the hems of my robes and tumble the rest of the way down the stairs.

Only my pride…only my pride was injured.

My trunk and I began our long journey away from the castle. I stopped a few times to look back, hoping to see others besides Dumbledore and McGonagall waving; I believe I even started tearing when no one came.

Had I really expected them to come?

Hell, I was expecting four teenage boys to drag themselves out of bed before dawn…for a girl?

Bloody barmy, that thought is.

I was plum put out by the time I reached the conventional flying-horse drawn carriage. Hogwarts was merely a towing shadow on the dawning horizon by then. I heaved my trunk into the carriage, and then myself.

With a jerk I was sailing towards the sky. I sailed over Hogwarts and the dawn. While I gazed out my window, I noticed a figure, that wasn't there before, robed in black dashing madly across the field, screaming in the general direction of my carriage.

My first instinct was to demand the carriage be put down and run straight to him, but if I did, I would probably never be able to leave him.

Instead, I merely cried for him and watched his messy black hair shrink away.

* * *

_I returned to Beauxbatons to finish my 7__th__ year. About one week after my return, I was visited by a set of ministry officials who informed me that my parents had been murdered by Voldemort. Petunia and her fiancé Vernon were in ministry custody. She refuses to see me at this time. My house was too far gone to be inhabited._

_In the span of one week, I have lost my only family, and what lives of it will have nothing to do with me. I have wronged my best friends, and have been rightly alienated from them. I am graduating this year, and I have no money nor a place to go afterwards. I am the secret keeper for a rogue Death Eater._

_I have only one thing left: a desire to stop this tosser Voldemort, so that whatever future family of Potters might exist, they might live in peace._

_I haven't the attitude, nor the heart to continue diary entries as they were. The heart weighs to heavily right now for silly girl thoughts. _

_I am afraid to inform you I must grow up now._

_There will be no further entries from now on, only events as they unfold in front of the world._

_There is no time like the present._

* * *

_(for those of you who are confused, Lily has written us up to the present. From now on, scenes are written like they are happening as we watch instead of Lily's hindsight.)_

Celine, Dior, Versace, Tiffany's...the list goes on. It didn't get any worse than this. It was now more than ever that Lily would have wanted nothing more than to be at Hogwarts. At the very least, she would be able to concern herself with her grief, rather than defend herself from a pack of competitive feral femmes. This was the school of the rich and the powerful, brewed in superficial poison.

A bell rang a series of chimes specifically designed for Beauxbatons.

Somewhere inside the ritzy school, a gathering of girls in blue satin uniforms took their seats. A tall and primly dressed woman walked to the front of the room, scowling distastefully the entire way. "Ladies, I would like to start by reminding you that you are enrolled in the highest level of the internationally prestigious L'Académie des dames de Magie. Though the winter holidays are approaching, you must continuously apply yourself strenuously to your studies.

Had Lily been in the room at this point, she would have rolled her eyes and pointed out that if money and bribes were the studies the teacher was speaking of, then that explains the mystery of how these silly girls had passing marks.

But Lily wasn't in the room.

She was a few corridors back, sprinting, winded and, quite late.

"Bother, bother, bother." She chanted quietly as she ran.

The classroom was just around the corner, when Lily's foot caught on something and she unceremoniously splatted upon her face. Her bag scattered its contents within the corridor. Giggles seemed to ooze from the wall, as two of Lily's least favorite people conveniently appeared.

"Are your feet as dumb as your head?" Charlotte chided.

Lily began gathering her things, paying them no mind, silently cursing to herself along the way.

"Oy! I'm speaking to you." Charlotte spat, using one of her tacky red high heels to push Lily off balance by her shoulder.

"You're not speaking to me, you're harassing me." Lily pointed out.

"So?" Mischa countered smartly.

Lily looked like she was trying very hard not to explode. Instead, she casually broke the heel of Charlotte's brittle designer shoe.

To Lily's delight, Charlotte looked heartbroken.

"Those were my favorite! My mother bought those for my sixteenth birthday!" Charlotte screeched.

"Oh, but your mother probably bought you another ten pair to match. If you have forgotten, remember that carrot cake I had in sixth year? My mother had made it and decorated it for my birthday. You smashed it in the mud. Your red shoe is small collateral for my cake." Lily had finished gathering her things and began to walk away.

Lily tried not to think of how she would never get another cake from her mother again.

Charlotte and Mischa looked bewildered, either because Charlotte's mother had actually bought her ten more pair of shoes, or neither of them knew what collateral meant.

When they realized Lily was walking away, the two of them scuttled to hurry after her. Though Lily had been thoroughly glad to be a full-time girl again, she retained some of Lee within her, such as the long strutting strides.

"So…Lily…where are you going for Winter Holidays? I hear you're in cahoots with Sirius Black! Not paying him any visits now will you?" Mischa somewhat rudely blurted as she alternated smiling sweet and scuffling behind Lily.

"Don't plan to see him." Lily answered abruptly.

"If you do, tell him Mischa Meyer wants a date."

"And Charlotte Dannon wants one with James!"

Lily threw a 'thumbs up' over her shoulder, then entered the classroom which she finally reached.

"LILY EVANS!"

Lily jumped at the professor's voice, then tried desperately to shrink into the wall. What she wouldn't have given for an invisibility cloak.

"I don't suppose punctuality was a virtue you acquired on your recent sabbatical." The professor gave Lily the evil eye. "Though I would be satisfied to have you review what you've been missing for us today, I must surrender you to the headmistress. To her office." She barked, then continued the lesson like Lily had never even come.

The young red-head huffed, scuffled into the corridor and trudged to the headmistress' office with all the vigor of a sloth.

Once she entered the office, the headmistress said nothing, but merely handed the young girl a letter and bade her leave. Outside, she took perch on a windowsill and read:

_The Ministry of Magic Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes_

_Obliviator Headquarters_

_Dear Miss Evans,_

_Your sister has expressed desire to have relations to you absolved and her memory of your parents murder modified. Since she is not of the magical world, we seek your counsel on an appropriate course of action. Should you approve of your sister's decision, you will be forbidden to have any further contact with her from the time of the oblivion, onward. We advise you to think this over carefully, then respond appropriately within the next week._

_Sincerely, _

_Nora Strangeglove_

Lily darted for her dormitory, and hid under her bed. Though it was mercifully black, Lily still couldn't force herself to cry.

* * *

Though the letter was private, the news of Petunia's request seemed to parallel the shot heard 'round the world. Lily's sporadic absences to visit, no, scream and condemn Petunia at Mungo's, did not help.

Though things seemed dim, glimmers of light couldn't help but poke through the darkness.

Only a day or so after the letter arrived, Lily was summoned to the headmistress' office again, half expecting a lawsuit from the Potters for pain and suffering.

Instead, the shining Namie Noriko waited for her.

"Lily! I am so sorry for your trouble! I have missed you!" Namie said in her accented English, and embraced Lily.

"I have missed you, Namie. This is a long trip. Is there something special that brings you here?" Lily smiled, and hoped for the best answer possible.

She wasn't disappointed.

"Yes. You. I hear your house is destroyed. Family gone. Friends few. I want to offer you sanctuary at the imperial palace after you graduate, until you can support yourself. You are absolutely no burden, as I know you will insist you are."

"I…." Lily sobbed.

"Lily, I won't accept a no."

"Then that doesn't leave me with much choice." Lily tried to joke.

"Terrific. I will have transportation for you after graduation." Namie promised. Lily was truly grateful, once again, for the friends she had.

Unfortunately, Namie, being the daughter of the Emperor of Magic, could not stay very long, leaving Lily to her own devices once again. Somehow, the burden of having nowhere to go was somewhat lifted.

Petunia.

Lily practically loathed her at this point. What an unfeeling codfish.

Yet, the embodiment of Petunia is the very counterforce that would spare Lily from a miserable future. Within the hour of Namie's departure, Lily responded to the Obliviator's Headquarters denying Petunia's request, claiming that humans needed to remember the bad with the good, and she would not allow Petunia to alienate herself. Magic would not be responsible for letting Petunia escape. However, Lily agreed to one of Petunia's stipends, and that was that Lily was to refrain from constant contact with Petunia.

Then, Lily's most important resolution came about.

Lily decided that no one else should have to loose his family to political agendas and Voldemort's war. After graduation, she would become an Auror, and somehow, give the world a path to peace or die trying, so that whatever family James Potter had in his future, they would be safe.

She couldn't change the past, but she could protect the future, whether it be her future and James' future or not.

* * *

The day of Lily's parents' funeral had finally come. Due to investigative procedures and the state of the bodies, an immediate funeral could not be conducted. Dumbledore was kind enough to offer a small portion of the Hogwarts grounds for Lily's mourning purposes, and a few acquaintances to stand with her, including himself. Lily couldn't ask for anything more comforting than Hogwarts, so she gladly accepted this offer.

So, today, Lily stood at Hogwarts' gates once again.

She stood there for minutes, maybe a score. She simply couldn't bring herself to enter them again. Like a scared puppy dog, she ran for the forbidden forest.

Curling under a tree, she wept until she fell asleep.

* * *

When green eyes opened, drops of water began splashing upon her face. It was a famous British rainstorm. However she wasn't cold, and her mass of black clothes had doubled, so big that there could be another person there.

There was another person there, and what hazel eyes gazed at her!

Lily started, then calmed with embarrassment.

"I'm sorry." Potter said softly.

"You have got nothing to be sorry for." Lily chided miserably.

"No, for your parents." He corrected.

Lily's heart fell. Inwardly, she had hoped he felt sorry for yelling at her, but it would have been rude to outright accept his apology without denying it first.

"Oh." She paused for an awkward silence. Then began, "I am going to live in Japan after this, with Namie at the imperial palace."

Potter's eyes grew, and looked surprisingly distressed.

"Remember, from the open house? The Japanese girl? She offered me a roof until I find out what I will do. Petunia wants nothing to do with me, so that's what I will do." Lily continued, to keep herself from crying, and praying he wouldn't encourage her.

"Why?" His voice rising with fear.

"Because I have nowhere else to go! You're the one that told me to leave!" Lily pointed out, secretly wondering if boys had any memory at all.

Another awkward silence ensued.

"Don't go."

"Eh? Excuse me?"

"Stay with me." James said so plainly.

"Unbelievable!" Lily was nearly in tears.

"What?"

"After that whole scene!?"

"Why are you getting upset?"

"Have you come to make me feel worse? I have wronged you, I get it! Do you really think I am so awful as to provoke my already broken heart? In the span of one day, I loved you and then I was told to get out of your life. I'm reserving the right to protect myself this time." Lily was full fledged in sobbing, though she did not get up from her position next to him under the tree.

"I was rash, but you were equally as wrong. I am here to understand what I could not." James said evenly.

"If you are hoping that I will justify these past few months with some utopian dream…I can't do that for you. I am just selfish. I came to Hogwarts with selfish reasons to glorify myself, because I couldn't stand the thought of living another moment among these plastic Barbies here. I didn't call it quits or leave until now because I was selfish. I am not sure I would have even told you had it not come out like that." Lily sobbed.

"I won't deny that I didn't battle with myself over how I could trust you again. But I decided that even if you have some flaws, I couldn't live with out them, because that's what attracted me to you in the first place." James tried to wrap a comforting arm around her, and Lily let him.

"I may have looked different, but I wasn't pretending. I never altered my personality as Lee. Would you really take a chance on me? Can you expect an honest yes from your injured pride?"

"In all that time you were with us, you could have murdered us in our sleep. You knew our weaknesses, our secrets, and what vexed us. Yet, no harm came. I think if you had malicious intentions, I would be dead by now."

"Took you long enough."

"Sirius showed me what happened after I left the tent in his pensieve."

Lily blushed furiously.

"Did you really mean all that?" James asked.

"Was there a reason for me to lie?"

"Fair point."

"Why are you bothering me down here and the rain? You could be in Hogsmeade looking for company on a rainy night. You do have a girlfriend, don't you?" Lily mentioned in futile attempts to bring herself down to earth.

"Not since I saw your fiery red-hair for the first time."

"This hair is burned out. After all that's happened. I don't have much fire left. Your brain is supposed to in charge of all civilized functions and emotions, but why does my chest always hurt the most?" Lily asked, and was at first answered by a long pause.

"I want to make you happy, Lily." James said solemnly, and pulled her into a hug.

"Eh?" Lily's green eyes grew big.

"I can forgive you, if you can forgive me….but either way, I don't think I can be without you, considering I haven't lived without you for quite some time. I have gotten rather used to you, and fond of you." James whispered into her hair.

"Do you pity me then?" Lily asked as she bit back tears.

James laughed. His hearty laughs pounded against her front as his diaphragm rumbled. "I suppose coming from me, it wouldn't exactly slap you in the face as I'd hoped. Not literally of course. For such a smart girl, you really don't get it."

Lily didn't say anything, until James spoke.

"I love you." He said.

Lily began sobbing, and hugged him tighter. Through her sobs, she managed to reciprocate his sentiment.

Since it is not polite to intrude, it should simply be satisfying enough to know that a silhouette of meeting lips could be seen from a small distance.

And that was that.

Later, with James' help, and the addition of the Marauders, Lily was able to attend the small memorial for her parents.

Because of Lily's unwillingness to return to Beauxbatons afterwards, Dumbledore offered her a place at Hogwarts for the rest of the year as the first female student. Dumbledore had apparently reasoned, "This is the twentieth century for Merlin's sake. Furthermore, it is time to get some estrogen into Hogwarts to whip some wayward lads into shape." And he merely winked at Sirius.

After the funeral, the Marauders and Lily took a walk by the lake after the funeral where they joked around as always. Lily and James tried not to make a scene; they merely held hands.

Lily couldn't help but ask, "Will you have me back in the Marauders if I'm not a boy?"

"You can be an honourary Marauder. And for the record, love, you were never a boy." Sirius joked.

"Oy! Then what was I?" Lily challenged with her hands on her hips.

"Lets not go there." Remus said.

Lily glared at them with her eyes, but could only smile at them with her lips.

"Oh, don't worry about them. We still like you." James teased, and Lily beamed as he kissed her on the nose.

"After all, you are my little lady."

FIN

* * *

Finally! It's done!!! My first completed fic! Granted, it took a long while, and I am forever grateful to readers and reviewers who have been patient with me. I have recently been busy with graduation; however, little lady has managed to graduate with me. I apologize for the change in tense, but I believe it appropriate and I was struggling maintaining Lily's previous character with the grief that came with growing up.

I may write an epilogue in the future, but I haven't any plans for one at this point. I will be pursing Sin City and another James/Lily fic shortly

Leave your final reviews!

Thanks for riding.


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